Read the full episode here https://journeyfrommeh.com/angry-reactions-mindful-responses-california/

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It was a perfect Californian day. The children were swimming in the pool and the country club’s adult guests sat perfectly poised, ring side, on loungers. Bright white tennis outfits contoured firm figures and dark sunglasses hid stares, glares and the effects of the continuous stream of drinks flowing from the club house.

I stood on the plush lawn next to the pool as the woman I au paired for circled me; pacing and shouting. Her raised voice punctuated by children torpedoing from the high diving board into the pool.

It was Saturday afternoon and she had casually informed me that I needed to babysit on Sunday morning. It was her habit to give me very little notice when she needed me to babysit. This weekend, being Father’s day, I had assumed that the children would spend it with their parents and had made plans with friends.

This was the first time I’d pushed back and I hadn’t anticipated the behaviour this would trigger. As she continued to berate me her two children joined the circle chanting, “You’re in trouble! You’re in trouble!” 

I was painfully aware that all the sunglasses were pointed at us. She was fully focused on me and was pacing in time to her children’s chorus.

Trapped by the bodies orbiting me, I waited for a pause in her temper torrent. Eventually she paused to take a breath.

I slipped in, addressed the children and told them to get back into the pool, which they did. Her last words had been, “I told you that you have to be able to go with the flow”.Turning to her I said, “it’s easy to tell me to go with the flow when you’re always the one creating the current.”

I went on to explain how I was affected by her behaviour - never being able to make plans because she might decide she needs me.

As it turned out this was a turning point, and a moment of real insight for me, that changed my life.

As a teenager I realised I had an incredible capacity for anger - a real temper. 

I experienced the force of my ignited anger like a monster, or demon, awakened within me. It would rise like a Disney villain up my spine, stretching me until the pressure of the ignition burst out of my mouth blasting everything in its path; with the indiscrimination of dragon’s fire. 

It felt like I had to unhinge my jaw to liberate the force of fury detonating inside me. Releasing that buildup of internal pressure was a relief. But, afterwards, I just felt unhinged.

Growing up with a parent whose wrath I experienced like a napalm hose, I knew what it was like to be on the other side and the pain it caused. Being on the receiving end of someone’s behaviour and then watching myself acting the same way was traumatizing and so I tried to go a different route.

I didn’t have the skills to address it and so I just shut it down. Put a lid on it and just avoided expressing anger.

The Californian incident was the first time I had managed to feel my anger without it overpowering me. Also, I had managed to express myself in the moment without becoming deranged.