Martin: You’re listening to Heart And Soul, a podcast from the Iglesia Ni Cristo Church of Christ. I’m your host, Martin Zerrudo, and I’ll be interviewing young adults from across the world who are living Christian lives, but are also dealing with real world problems. This is Heart And Soul.

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Martin: Hey guys, you’re about to listen to part two of “A Friend In Need.” In part one, Vince and Amanda talked about how it’s gotten harder to find the right kind of friends the older they get. We went over some articles that tackled the difference between online connections, their social media, versus the physical friendships that we can make in person. Now in part two, Vince tells us about the loneliest moment of his life, and how Amanda found the one place where she feels she can be her true, authentic self. Hope you enjoy.

Amanda: I said, “No, I can’t. I can’t do those things. I feel like it’s wrong. And who knows what could happen to us, right?” And they’re just like, “No, nothing will happen. You’ll just have fun.” And then I just kept saying no. And then, after a while, I could feel like they were being distant with me. And I was thinking in my head, “Did I say anything wrong, did I do anything wrong?” But I didn’t approach them about it. I didn’t bring it up. I just focused on what my priorities were, which was school and Church. And friends, people come and go in your life. And if they stay, that’s great. If they don’t, just move on, keep going forward. 

Martin: What was in your prayers during those times when they were really on you?

Amanda: During my prayers, I would always ask God for guidance and help in finding those friends who are true, who are genuine, and who won’t tarnish my faith and won’t tarnish my duties. 

Martin: Vince,was there ever a time that you prayed for the right kind of friends? Or to find friends?

Vince: Yes. Definitely, when I joined the Navy, and I had to essentially leave a lot of the things I had built behind. Granted, there’s social media, right? So you can still maintain that. But that face, what we talked about before, that face-to-face interaction really plays a huge role in that. And so I had to leave all that behind. And once I moved to my duty station in Virginia Beach, it was just me. I had to try to find rides to go to Church, and didn’t really have a ride because I just came out from boot camp. I was alone for the most part. I did have a friend out in Virginia Beach, who I grew up with when I was in Japan, and I thought I could count on her since I was there. And we were there, we had this connection back in childhood. But due to her own circumstances though, that didn’t end up working out. 

Martin: What were you hoping she was going to be for you? 

Vince: I was hoping she was gonna be there for me, be my friend be able to be that medium to integrate me into the social life at Church, but it didn’t happen. And so I felt really alone for the first year I was there, just because I didn’t have a ride. Sometimes the KADIWA (youth group in the Church Of Christ) would ask me to hang out. But I didn’t have a ride, and I was still in school for my job. That’s what I had to focus on. So I would just go home right after Church, and go home right after the meeting, because my ride was waiting for me. And so I didn’t really have that much of an opportunity to hang out with anyone. It just continued on like that. 

Martin: How long?

Vince: About a year, until I was finally able to bring myself to these activities and be more involved.

Martin: So, a whole year, you went pretty much on your own? 

Vince: Yes. Pretty much. 

Martin: What was that like?

Vince: It was difficult. I talked to my parents about it. I’m pretty open with my parents, I was asking, I really want some friends. It’s kind of lonely. Actually, for that New Year’s, I spent it alone in my room in the barracks.

Martin: No way.

Vince: Just watching on my laptop with apple cider and pizza, because I didn’t have anywhere to really hang out with. So it was pretty difficult. And so they advised me to pray, pray to God that He’ll guide you, and He’ll bring the right people into your life. So, that’s what I did. I prayed. And eventually, thank God, He was able to do that for me. 

Martin: What was running through your mind? What year was this when you were in the barracks by yourself?

Vince: This is about 2013 going into ‘14.

Marti: So, it’s 2013, you got that cold pizza in your hand…

Vince: Yes. My cold Pizza Hut.

Martin: Yeah, livestreaming the the New York City celebration?

Vince: Yeah. 

Martin: What is that like? What’s running through your head?

Vince: It’s just like, “Wow, look at all those people having fun,” and then, “Wow, there’s so many people that are together.” My family FaceTimed me for a little bit. I saw my family and friends on FaceTime. And I really miss it. I really miss home. And that was just kind of sad. And not really a…

Martin: Probably one of the lowest moments?

Vince: Yeah, yeah, about the lowest moments in my life. I felt like it was my fault, for not being a lot more extroverted, not being really sociable, because I’m a shy person before I make friends. I don’t put 100% of myself out there. I like to assess the situation first to see what type of person they are. And so I feel like that hindered me because I would have that mentality. And then I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t keep pushing myself to get to know people, to put myself in a situation where I would be friends with them.

Martin: Amanda, did you have a similar situation when Vince talks about “Hey, this is the lowest low, I was pretty much alone on a New Year’s Eve eating Pizza Hut”? No offence, Vince, we’ve all been there. Amanda, what would you say?

Amanda:  Especially going into new settings and new social settings, I always have that apprehension and that anxiety that if I talk to these people will they like me? And I know that everybody has their insecurities, including myself, and it’s hard to get over those negative thoughts. “Are they going to like who I am? Are they going to like what I say?” I’m always constantly thinking, what if?

Martin: What would those “what ifs” be?

Amanda: If I say something will they not like it? Will they get offended? Or if I crack a joke, will they say, “Oh, she’s lame,” kind of thing. So, yeah, I always had those thoughts running in my head. So that as well is kind of like a mental block for me to open up to people, talk to them, and speak to them. Yeah, I always find that difficult in any social situation. 

Martin: Is there a moment where you’re like, “Wow this is pretty rough”?

Amanda: Yes, because I know who I am and my insecurities. It’s always rough for me.

Martin: Oh, it’s not just one time? 

Amanda: It’s usually for every social situation, especially in big groups. If I go to a party or a large social gathering, even for  KADIWA activities (youth group in the Church Of Christ), I still get pretty nervous. 

Martin: What are some of those insecurities?

Amanda: For myself it’s “Will they like me for who I am? Will they think I’m cool or not?” Yes, it’s just my thoughts. It’s my negative thoughts. Not everybody’s going to say or think the same thing that I’m thinking about what they could say about me. 

Martin: But do you feel like, “Oh, so I’ve just had this my whole life,” or was there something that triggered or like, “Man, I just need to be more careful,” because I don’t know?

Amanda: For me, where it stems from is my insecurities about myself. Everybody thinks negatively about themselves at one point, like, “Oh, I don’t like how my hair looks,” or “I don’t like my freckles.” So, it comes from my own insecurities in my thoughts about myself. And it’s hard. 

Martin: For sure, for sure,  and I don’t want our listeners to feel like, “Oh, man. These guys, they have a hard time making friends. They don’t like to go out. They don’t like to have fun.” It’s not that at all, as referenced by Brother Bob, in the verse, we’re trying to find quality relationships, quality friendships with people who are going to help us not only in our day to day, but as people, and more importantly as Christians. Just because we’re not going to do certain things that we’re being pressured to do, it doesn’t devalue the friendships that we have to offer. It doesn’t devalue the time that we’re willing to provide, which is more valuable than a couple Instagram likes or shares on Facebook. 

And so if you’re listening right now saying, “Okay, well, where did these guys find the right kind of friends? Where did they go to have fun in a way where it really helped them?” I point to an article “Seven ways to make new friends as an adult,” because