Defining Your North Star: Understanding Core Values in Relationships (Episode 87)
Summary

In Episode 87 of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the foundational role of core values in shaping identity, intimacy, and relational harmony. The conversation begins with reflection on gratitude and personal grounding, then transitions into how understanding one’s guiding principles—or “North Star”—influences emotional awareness, sexual decision-making, and conflict resolution.

They discuss how early family, cultural, and religious influences shape our beliefs about what’s “good” or “bad,” often leaving individuals unaware of their authentic values. MaryAnn introduces examining our internalized “shoulds” to uncover inherited rules that may no longer serve us. Dr. Skinner emphasizes that defining values is a process of personal ownership, not external expectation, and that clarity enables healthy boundaries and more honest relating.

The episode also covers what happens when partners’ values diverge—inviting curiosity, vulnerability, and respectrather than control or shutdown. Through clinical examples (anger, sexuality, secrecy), they show how self-awareness and emotional safety foster compassionate dialogue, and when persistent value gaps may signal deeper incompatibility. Takeaway: intimacy thrives when both partners pursue honest dialogue, self-reflection, and compassion, recognizing that values can evolve with growth and healing.

Resources

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  Show Notes & Assignments: HumanIntimacy.com/Podcast (values discovery prompts)

  
  


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  Books & Frameworks:

  
  
  
  
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    The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman

    
    
  
  
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    Hold Me Tight — Sue Johnson

    
    
  
  
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    The Gifts of Imperfection — Brené Brown

    
    
  
  
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    Atlas of the Heart — Brené Brown

    
    
  
  
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    The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk

    
    
  
  
  
  

Quick Reflection Exercise

1. 
   

   List three “should” statements guiding your choices.

   
   


2. 
   

   Ask: Where did this belief come from? Does it fit who I want to be now?

   
   


3. 
   

   Note how keeping vs. releasing it would affect your relationship.