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In this episode, Pam, Anna, and Erika explore the popular maxim known as the Golden Rule, which states, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Once we realize how different people are, however, we can see how treating others how we would like to be treated may fall short in our relationships. We dive into an updated version, “Treat others how they would like to be treated,” which really means learning more about the people we care about. Using this phrase as a guide can serve to deepen our relationships and strengthen our feelings of connection.

We hope you find our conversation helpful on your unschooling journey and in your relationships!

THINGS WE MENTION IN THIS EPISODE

The Living Joyfully Shop – books, courses, including Four Pillars of Unschooling and Navigating Conflict, coaching calls, and more!

The Living Joyfully Network

Watch the video of our conversation on YouTube.

Follow @exploringunschooling on Instagram.

Follow @pamlaricchia on Instagram and Facebook.

Check out our website, livingjoyfully.ca for more information about navigating relationships and exploring unschooling.

Sign up to our mailing list to receive The Living Joyfully Dispatch, our biweekly email newsletter, and get a free copy of Pam’s intro to unschooling ebook, What is Unschooling?

We invite you to join us in The Living Joyfully Network, a wonderful online community for parents to connect and engage in candid conversations about living and learning through the lens of unschooling. This month, we’re talking about seasons—in unschooling and in life. Come and be part of the conversation!

So much of what we talk about on this podcast and in the Living Joyfully Network isn’t actually about unschooling. It’s about life. On The Living Joyfully Podcast, Anna Brown and Pam Laricchia talk about life, relationships, and parenting. You can check out the archive here, or find it in your your favorite podcast player.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

ERIKA: Hello everyone. I’m Erika Ellis from Living Joyfully, and I’m joined by my co-hosts, Anna Brown and Pam Laricchia. Hello, to you both. And today we’re going to talk about life beyond the Golden Rule. I’m looking forward to diving into this one. 

But before we get started, have you visited Living joyfully shop.com lately? Our online shop has Pam’s unschooling books, lots of helpful coaching options and online courses such as Four Pillars of Unschooling, if you’re newer to unschooling and Navigating Conflict, if you’d like ideas to help you navigate conflicts in your relationships. We also have courses on Validation and navigating Unschooling Wobbles at the shop. You can learn more about the Living Joyfully network, as well. We’re excited to be creating a one-stop shop to support you along your unschooling journey, and we hope you’ll check it out.

And Pam, would you like to get us started about the Golden Rule?

PAM: Sure. And to get us all started on the same foot, The Golden Rule is basically – treat others as you would like them to treat you. It’s kind of wrapping it up, and I do think that can be a great start on the journey of exploring and choosing how we treat other people.

It’s a reminder to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes to imagine how we’d like to be treated in those circumstances. And that comes with the assumption built into it that we treat ourselves reasonably nicely and then consider doing that instead of reacting more negatively. Right? It is just a nice reminder to treat people nicely, and I think it’s got that nice hook of putting yourself in the situation.

What we want to talk about today is taking that next step beyond the golden rule. I think it is to bring in what is becoming one of our mantras. People are different. Because in some situations, even in many situations, the way that I’d like to be treated may be very different from how someone else would like to be treated.

I mean, as I was thinking about this, it reminded me of a question you asked recently in the network, Anna, how do you like to be comforted when you’re sad or upset? It’s been so interesting to read the replies to that, right? Because while there are definitely some similarities between the answers, there are definitely some distinct differences and so many nuances.

Because we’re real people. So what helps me move beyond the golden rule really is to try to see the situation through their eyes. That’s that next little shift that helps me. So if I was them, what would this look like? What would it feel like? Doing that means considering their personality, their likes, their dislikes, their strengths, the things they find challenging.

All those pieces that make up who they are. And then from there, I feel much better equipped to empathize with them, to validate their view of things.  And we’re in that space to share suggestions that are a better fit for them, rather than sharing the things I’d want to do in their shoes. So, it is just that little flip that really helps take it beyond the golden rule of putting myself into everybody else’s shoes and what I would like to happen, so that the world is all about me.

And then recognizing that people are different. And in this situation, what does it look like to the other person? 

ANNA: I do feel like it’s a great place for people to start, right? Because it’s that idea of being kinder and thinking, how would I want to be treated?

And that gives you that little bit of pause, which is always so important. I remember when I was first thinking about this, which has been, gosh, like 25 years ago now. I switched  it to – treat everyone how they want to be treated. That was my quick around. I love now that we have over the years really gone into what you talk about, Pam, which is again, seeing through their eyes.

Because I think whatever visual helps you to really pull back a little bit and understand them. So, wondering, how do they want to be treated? That’s where we can get curious, right? We can think, we are different and we can leave space for what they want in this moment?

Because that question was a perfect example from the network. Some wanted to be left alone, some wanted to be held, some wanted to be talked to, some to process. And that’s just with one tiny little thing of how do you like to be comforted in a situation? There’s so many ways of how you want to interact?

What kind of jobs do you want? What kind of places do you want to go? How do you like to spend your time? All of these things come into play when we think about how we move through situations differently. And if we are thinking, I want to treat them how I want to be treated, we’re going to miss a lot.

And I think it can actually be really disconnecting, which is sad because that’s not the intent behind the golden rule. It isn’t to create a disconnect, but I think if you think about it, it really can. If someone is treating you in the way that they want to  be treated, but it doesn’t feel like they see you or really are honoring you, or know who you are at that moment, it can feel really disconnecting.

ERIKA: Oh, I really like that. And, when I was thinking about the intention that a lot of us have, as unschooling parents with our kids and with our families, we really do intend to have this deep connection, these strong relationships.

And so if that’s the intention, then we have to go beyond the golden rule to really hearing what the other person likes, what really works for them. Sometimes it’s an easier thing to just be like, well, what would I like in this situation? And then we’ll just assume that’s what everyone likes and just do that.

So it may take a little bit more time and digging and curiosity and asking the people, how did it feel when I did that? What would work better for you in that situation? Like that question in the network, How do you like to be comforted is so huge and it reminds me, if I’m sick I want attention and if my husband’s sick he wants to be left alone. And that is just one part of life. This one small thing where if I treat him the way I want to be treated, I would be doting on him all day and giving him a lot of attention and asking