In today's episode, Katy talks about some of the places she often feels people feeling stuck and unable to know what to do next on their fertility journey. She walks you through a practical exercise to enable you to open up to whatever the future holds.

00:00

Hello, you are listening to Katy Bradbury registered nurse and nutritional therapist. Today's podcast episode is called 'How To Know When It Is The End Of The Road'.

00:28

So hello, and welcome to this week's show. I'm taking a little break from the micronutrient miniseries having wrapped up the conversation covering all of the vitamins from the fat soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K to the water soluble vitamins, C and the various B vitamins.

00:57
Now, I thought I'd take a break - I do want to revisit the micronutrient series and run through some of the really important minerals, because minerals have just as important a role to play for fertility as the vitamins do, particularly some some key minerals. As it's quite a long miniseries, I wanted to scatter a few other topics into the mix as well and I thought that ending the vitamins was a good little opportunity to do that.

01:37
Now, I wanted to talk to you today about how to know when it's the end of the road for your journey. Now before you switch this episode off thinking that either it's not relevant for you, or that it just feels a little bit too bleak and it feels maybe a bit too painful even to listen to an episode like this, please, please give it a chance. Because actually, regardless of where you are on your fertility journey, whether it has felt like a road that is far too long travelled or if you're just starting out the contents of this episode, it's a practical episode today. And the contents of the episode is really to give yourself some warm, nurturing space to actually explore some of these options in a really safe setting and will allow yourself some space to feel what comes up and to explore in writing what some of your options are for the future. So I urge you - even if you're not at a point on your journey where you're thinking it might be time to pack it in - I urge you to listen and to take part and to actually do the exercise with me today because so much of the fertility journey (and I remember this so well from my own) is tainted with fear. And it's tainted with the fear of 'what if it never happens'. And I can remember that that was the thing - that was the thought that was in my mind the entire time for me. And that is a horrible thought to be living with every day. So regardless of whether you feel like you've got a long battle ahead, or you don't know, or you're nowhere near giving up just now, the purpose of this episode isn't to tell you to give up, absolutely not. It's just to have that space to explore.

03:44
So the reason I'm recording this episode is because it has come up as a bit of a theme across a few of my clients recently. They're people, typically, who have undergone multiple rounds of IVF, or they've had losses that have been really painful emotionally. And perhaps they feel like they've got a decision to make. So for a few of them, they've got embryos in the freezer, and they just don't know if they can handle doing it again. I've got a couple of people in that situation. I've got a couple of people who feel like maybe they're just too old now and at what point do you call it a day when when you're getting older and it hasn't happened? So there are a number of people in my world who I speak to, who have got these thoughts running through their head and I thought, if they do, then there's a good chance that you do too, as a listener. Some of the circumstances that you might find yourself in at the moment - I've given a few examples already - you might be tearing yourself apart as to whether to put an embryo (if you've got an embryo) in the freezer, whether to put it in, whether to give it a go or not. It might be knowing whether to invest in one more round of IVF - and that could be because you said the last one was going to be the last one - or whatever it might be. So knowing whether to invest in one more round of IVF. It might be making the decision with your partner to stop actively trying, it might be deciding not to go ahead with a donated cycle and changing your mind. As I say, the circumstances in which you might find yourself are vastly different, but it's such an important exercise, regardless of your situation. This exercise gives you that little chance and that opportunity to actually face some of those fears that you might be living with every day and that you might have lived with for a very long time. What I'd love for you to do today is actually (and I don't know where you listen - maybe you listen while you're doing something else, so perhaps you listen while you're on your commute, or if you're walking the dog or or cooking) and now might not feel like the best time to sit down and do an exercise and by all means just listen along and use this episode as a reflective tool. But if you can give yourself the space to actually sit down and do the exercises that I'm going to walk you through today, I promise you will feel (you might not have the answer) but you will get some clarity and you will have some emotional processing that happens as a result of this, that can just help you with day to day life, of feeling the weight of such big decisions ahead.

07:00
So first of all, I really want you to sit with a question. So we're going do some some deep breaths in a minute together. But before we take the deep breaths, I want you to close your eyes and have a think about what that question might be for you. And it's a 'what if?' question. It's going to be pertinent to your situation - it might be 'what if we don't go ahead with the next round of IVF?'. 'What if we never have a baby?'. 'What if we never give my child a sibling?'. Whatever it is, whatever your biggest fear is at the moment, whatever the question is that's causing you the most turmoil at the moment, I want you to sit with that question: 'what if'. So, whatever comes up for you here, this is your opportunity in a really safe space (because you are safe at the moment listening to this, listening to the sound of my voice) you're absolutely safe, and I want you to sit with whatever feelings come up and whatever feelings come up for you are completely valid. Maybe those feelings are so raw for you right now that it brings up tears straightaway and you might even feel that blubbery 'can't control the tears', and that's okay, let them come. Let those tears come if that is where you're at right now. But it might be that different feelings come up, so we're going to just sit down now, we're going to do some breathing together, knowing that you're safe and knowing that you're going to take the time to do some journaling after this so that you're allowing yourself the space to let these feelings pass through. So it's perfectly safe to feel whatever comes up. So let's do some deep breathing. I'm going to guide you through deep breaths. We're going to breathe in for the count of four, hold for just a moment at the top of the breath, and we're going to breathe out for six.

08:59
If you're listening to my podcast I'll be counting along with you but if you're reading this and doing it yourself at home, repeat the breathing in and out for two or three minutes to relax yourself.

11:41
So just giving yourself a little moment to reflect on whatever feelings came up for you by allowing yourself that time, allowing yourself that space and allowing yourself those breaths, to sit with the question, or those questions, whatever it was that you asked yourself at the start of the exercise. Now what I'd like you to do is get your pen and paper ready because we're going to do some journaling and we're going to ask some questions around what came up, so you might want to press pause after each question (if you're listening to the podcast rather than reading!) to really give yourself the space to answer the question properly. So question number one is, 'what feelings came up for me?'. And when we're talking about what feelings came up for you here, I want you to be really specific, I want you to really get into the nitty gritty of what feelings came up. So if it was a sadness, what kind of sadness was it? Was it a longing? Was it a feeling let down? If you were feeling scared, what was what was the fear? Was it feeling terrified? Was it like a dull feeling in the pit of your stomach? Really trying to get specific on what those feelings were and what those feelings are that are dwelling within you, that you've been living with, potentially for a long time. Get as specific as possible about the feelings. Then question number two, once you've had a chance to talk through and explore some of the feelings that came up specifically, is 'what thoughts came up behind those feelings?' So some of the thoughts - really, really give yourself the chance to sit with this. And if you need to sit down and rewind and do some deep breaths again, to really sit with yourself and allow whatever thoughts they are to come up so that you can write them down, that is fine. Do whatever it takes because what I want for you is to get down, physically on paper, using your hand, what your feelings were and what the thoughts were. And some of these thoughts,