Ok. My dad died peacefully in his sleep on August 29, 2021. This is the poem I wrote tonight bc I couldn’t sleep for him and to him. I just realized it has been exactly a month. The poem is called I Wish I Could Explain to Myself. Rest and rebirth Daddy (Terry). I remember my Auntie (by love not blood) Mimi telling me that when she met me at 3 yrs old o was calling my dad Terry bc he let me. That ended shortly after our meeting but I am not sure why but glad it did. It seems odd not to call him dad. The emptiness and loneliness just seems odd, especially since he has lived with me for almost 10 yrs bc of his epilepsy. Ugh, this whole life event just seems out of place in my life. I highly suggest to anyone who is grieving to read Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, short but excellent book on her process of the death of her father. I’ve read it twice. Thankhs to the great spirit and friend that gifted me the book, B.N. much love always, it was right on time and put into words what I couldn’t even form my lips to say. I Wish I Could Explain to Myself
I wish I could explain to myself how to get over this grief, quickly and painlessly.
I wish I could tell me there is no need to be so very sad and to miss my dad so very bad.
I wish I knew that August 28, 2021 was the last good night, the last I love you, the last warm hug, the last dad joke, the last day we would be in the same space, the last day of conversations about constellations, planets and stars, the last day I’d be ok.
I wish I knew it was the last of my person being in my presence and leaving me unannounced with no fucking warning (who does that and why me)
I wish I had said 44 years of I love you’s and all those unspoken kind words.
I wish I had been more patient with my dad when he frustrated me.
I wish I had listened to my gut on August 28, 2021 and said I love you before I said goodnight.
Why didn’t I listen to my inner guide telling me you have no more time and thought more about the look on his face.
Why?
I know he knew how much I loved him and that he was my star. He named me star but he has and will always be my star.
I wish I could tell him all of this but I just did. Thank you daddy for 44 years of memories, love and laughter, you are always with me even if you are physically not in attendance.