Digest

This episode of the Divorce Survival Guide podcast features an interview with Heather Plett, author of "The Art of Holding Space" and "Where Tenderness Lives." Heather discusses the concept of holding space, both for others and for oneself, and how it played a crucial role in her own divorce. She shares her personal experience of being in a marriage with a partner who struggled with mental health issues, highlighting the challenges of codependency and the importance of setting boundaries. Heather emphasizes the transformative power of tenderness, particularly self-tenderness, as a way to disrupt patriarchal and capitalist systems that often lead to self-criticism and harsh self-judgment. She provides practical advice on how to cultivate tenderness in daily life, including nature-based practices, journaling, and body care. Heather also discusses the importance of unraveling the expectations and burdens that others have placed on us, and the courage it takes to set boundaries and prioritize our own well-being. The episode concludes with Heather sharing her website and social media handles, encouraging listeners to connect with her and learn more about her work.

Outlines

00:00:00

Introduction

This Chapter introduces the Divorce Survival Guide podcast and its host, Kate Anthony. Kate shares her personal journey through divorce and her mission to help others navigate the process with their sanity and heart intact.

00:00:41

Guest Introduction and Facebook Group Closure

This Chapter introduces Heather Plett, the guest for the episode, and discusses Kate's recent decision to close her Facebook group. Kate explains that the closure was due to boundary issues and the difficulty of managing a large group without it being her full-time job.

00:04:05

The Art of Holding Space

This Chapter delves into the concept of holding space, as defined by Heather Plett. Heather explains that holding space involves walking alongside someone going through a difficult time without judgment, direction, or unsolicited advice. She emphasizes the importance of holding space for oneself as well, to foster self-love and healthy boundaries in relationships.

00:12:58

Heather's Divorce and Mental Health

This Chapter explores Heather's personal experience of divorce and the role of her former husband's mental health issues in her decision to leave the marriage. Heather discusses the challenges of codependency and the fear of triggering her husband's suicidal tendencies. She emphasizes the importance of releasing responsibility for another person's mental health and the process of setting boundaries.

00:23:08

The Woman Behind the Door

This Chapter shares a powerful story from Heather's book about a woman weeping behind a door in an art exhibit. Heather connects this story to her own experience of feeling trapped and unable to express her emotions during her marriage. She describes how the woman's weeping eventually transitioned to a laughter-crying state, symbolizing a turning point and a path towards healing. Heather reflects on her own journey and the importance of recognizing transition points in our lives.

00:39:52

Tenderness as a Daily Practice

This Chapter explores the practical application of tenderness in daily life. Heather suggests starting each day by asking oneself how to be most tender to oneself. She emphasizes the importance of making choices that align with our own needs and boundaries, and engaging in practices such as journaling, body care, and spending time in nature. Heather also discusses the concept of "Velcro clothing" as a metaphor for the burdens and expectations we carry from others.

00:49:18

Untangling from Patriarchal Messaging

This Chapter addresses the societal messaging that often pressures women to be caretakers and suppress their own needs. Heather acknowledges the difficulty of untangling from these expectations and the guilt that can arise when prioritizing self-care. She emphasizes the importance of challenging these messages and recognizing that living in integrity with oneself is the most important relationship.

00:51:37

Finding Heather Plett

This Chapter provides information on how to connect with Heather Plett and learn more about her work. Heather shares her website, Center for Holding Space, her Substack, Attender Space, and her personal website, Heatherplett.com.

Keywords

Q&A

• What is holding space, and how does it relate to personal growth?

  Holding space is a practice of walking alongside someone going through a difficult time without judgment, direction, or unsolicited advice. It involves creating a safe and supportive environment for the other person to process their emotions and experiences without feeling pressured or judged. Holding space can be applied to both external relationships and internal self-care. It helps us to develop empathy, compassion, and a deeper understanding of ourselves and others.

• How did Heather Plett's understanding of holding space impact her own divorce?

  Heather realized that she couldn't authentically teach the concept of holding space while being in a marriage that lacked it. She recognized that she and her husband were both struggling with codependency and lacked the ability to create a space of mutual respect and support. This realization led her to make the difficult decision to end the marriage, which ultimately allowed her to live more authentically and in alignment with her values.

• What is the role of tenderness in personal transformation?

  Tenderness, particularly self-tenderness, is a powerful tool for disrupting patriarchal and capitalist systems that often lead to self-criticism and harsh self-judgment. It involves recognizing and honoring our own needs and vulnerabilities, and treating ourselves with care and understanding. By cultivating tenderness, we can challenge societal expectations and create a more compassionate and loving relationship with ourselves.

• How can we cultivate tenderness in our daily lives?

  Cultivating tenderness is a daily practice that involves making choices that align with our own needs and boundaries. It can involve engaging in practices such as journaling, body care, spending time in nature, and surrounding ourselves with supportive people. It also involves recognizing and unraveling the expectations and burdens that others have placed on us, and setting boundaries to protect our emotional and physical well-being.

• What are some of the challenges of untangling from codependent relationships?

  Untangling from codependent relationships can be challenging because it often involves confronting societal messaging that pressures women to be caretakers and suppress their own needs. It can also be disruptive to others who may not understand or support our decision to prioritize our own well-being. It requires courage, self-compassion, and a willingness to challenge the expectations of others.

• How can we navigate the guilt and shame that can arise when setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care?

  Navigating guilt and shame requires recognizing that these emotions are often rooted in societal messaging and internalized beliefs. It involves challenging these messages and reminding ourselves that living in integrity with ourselves is the most important relationship. It also involves seeking support from others who understand and validate our choices.

• What are some practical ways to practice tenderness in relationships?

  Practicing tenderness in relationships involves communicating our needs clearly, setting healthy boundaries, and respecting the needs and boundaries of others. It involves being present and attentive to the other person's emotions, offering support without judgment, and creating a space of mutual respect and understanding.

• How can we find resources and support for our own journey of personal growth and transformation?

  There are many resources available to support our journey of personal growth and transformation. We can seek out therapists, coaches, support groups, and online communities that align with our values and goals. We can also engage in self-guided practices such as journaling, meditation, and spending time in nature.

• What are some key takeaways from Heather Plett's interview?

  Heather Plett's interview highlights the importance of holding space for ourselves and others, cultivating tenderness as a transformative practice, and setting boundaries to protect our emotional and physical well-being. It emphasizes the challenges of codependency and the societal messaging that often pressures women to suppress their own needs. Heather's insights provide valuable tools and guidance for navigating difficult relationships, challenging societal expectations, and living a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Show Notes