Do you want to…

• Bicker less and catch yourself before you start?


• Stay calm and empathetic during conflict?


• Feel more at ease and connected so – that you’re less inclined to fight?

Tune in for a discussion – of why we bicker and 12 simple strategies to reduce conflict in relationships as Jess and Brandon weigh in on this listener question: “We love each other madly. He’s really the love of my life, and we don’t seem to have any big, deep issues because we’re really aligned – on values, family, spirituality, and the core issues. But we bicker a lot. I don’t like – the example we’re setting for our kids. How can we cut back on the daily bickering so our household is more at ease and we have more peace – because we both work from home.”

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Episode 340

How To Stop Bickering: 12 Strategies

[00:00:00 ] You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

[00:00:15 ] Jess O’Reilly: Let’s bicker.

[00:00:16 ] Brandon Ware: Let’s, what are we going to bicker over?

[00:00:18 ] Jess O’Reilly: You splashing all over the place in the bathroom. Like you’re some sort of a hippo in the tub.

[00:00:22 ] Brandon Ware: Well, I can’t help it because the sink is too small.

[00:00:25 ] Jess O’Reilly: Cause your head’s big.

[00:00:26 ] Brandon Ware: I got a big face. Well, you know what? You make a mess sometimes.

[00:00:31 ] Jess O’Reilly: We absolutely suck. We suck at this. We’re supposed to be talking about bickering today, but when you put us on the spot, listen, when we’re in the middle of a bicker, we got it.

[00:00:39 ] Brandon Ware: Things are real.

[00:00:40 ] Jess O’Reilly: We’ve got it down, but to fake it seems really hard.

[00:00:43 ] Jess O’Reilly: Uh, we’re going to talk about how to stop bickering and having little daily arguments today. We have a question from, uh, from a listener, and this is a question I kind of get over and over. And over again, because life can be stressful and life can be busy. And I think that’s one of the big reasons we bicker.

[00:00:58 ] Jess O’Reilly: So before we dive into it, want to shout out our sponsors, Adam and Eve. com. They are offering 50 percent off almost any item plus free shipping, plus free handling, which is Brandon’s favorite part with code Dr. Jess 50. So check out Adam and Eve. com. Bildos, vibrators, butt plugs, other fun things that you can use in your body.

[00:01:19 ] Jess O’Reilly: Adam and Eve. com code. Dr. Jess 50. All right, let’s dive right into it.

[00:01:23 ] Brandon Ware: Let’s, are we going to continue bickering or is, is this where it stops?

[00:01:26 ] Jess O’Reilly: No, we’re going to start bickering.

[00:01:28 ] Brandon Ware: Let’s do it. Yeah. Amazing.

[00:01:29 ] Jess O’Reilly: Okay. So we have this note, uh, there’s a bit of a preamble, but the bulk of it is we love each other madly.

[00:01:35 ] Jess O’Reilly: He’s really the love of my life. And we don’t seem to have any big deep issues because we’re totally aligned on values, family, spirituality, and all the core issues. But we bicker. A lot. I mean, nonstop. And I don’t like the example we’re setting for our kids. How can we cut back on the daily bickering so our household is more at ease and we have more peace because we both work from home?

[00:01:59 ] Jess O’Reilly: [00:02:00 ] Yeah, I think those of us who have gone back to the workplace or, and aren’t kind of trapped in the home like most of the world was or much of the world was in a couple of years ago. we can look back and think about, Oh yeah, we were really in each other’s space. And um, you know, there is some research that suggests, and I know I’ve talked about this in the past, that small everyday arguments can help to stave off bigger fights by releasing tension and helping to cultivate understanding.

[00:02:25 ] Jess O’Reilly: I don’t mean every day as in daily. I mean, every day, like kind of just mundane stuff. And there’s, there’s so much research in this area. So one study found that couples who focus on resolving the smaller Solvable issues first fare better in the big picture. And that makes sense. It’s like, if I have a whole bunch of tasks on a list list, it feels good to cross one off the list and it’s that caravaning phenomenon, right?

[00:02:48 ] Jess O’Reilly: One good thing leads to another good thing and it makes you feel more capable. So with this study, what they found was that being able to differentiate between the issues that need to be solved at this time versus those that can be addressed at a later time is a really important. relational skill. And when you overcome or come to understanding on a small issue, it can help you to create a blueprint to think about how you’re going to better understand one another moving forward, right?

[00:03:14 ] Jess O’Reilly: So if we can solve this small issue in this way, maybe I learned to identify what makes you respond more positively in the face of conflict. I can apply that to the bigger, more complicated, more intense issues. And I think we do that with sort of subconscious, right? We’re always learning about how people respond, even if we don’t make a note of it.

[00:03:30 ] Jess O’Reilly: And so a little bickering. Could lead to improved understanding and more kind of team based problem solving, but conflict isn’t generally productive if it’s not deepening some sort of understanding or releasing some tension that helps you to feel more at ease and you’re asking for more ease. So if you’re just.

[00:03:48 ] Jess O’Reilly: snapping at each other about unloading the dishwasher or working late, or, you know, who’s doing, who put the kids to bed last night because you should put them to bed tonight. Thinking about our friends. You’re not really [00:04:00 ] conveying what you’re feeling. You’re not really expressing what you want. You’re not really sharing why you want it.

[00:04:04 ] Jess O’Reilly: You’re just going at each other. And we know that ongoing bickering can also t