How to Talk to a Teen

[Show open]

Mariel Gutierrez: Hi everyone. You’re listening to the Faith and Family Podcast. A Christian family community that aims to promote Christian values for every phase of your family’s life. I’m Mariel Gutierrez. This week, I actually have my own daughter with us as we explore how to communicate effectively and why open communication is important, especially as she’s growing up and developing into her own person.

Mariel: Oh, my goodness. Hi, Mattea.

Mattea Gutierrez: Hi, Mom. 

Mariel: So Miss Mattea is turning 16 this year. She’s going to be a junior in high school. Wow, I can’t believe it. And how else would you describe yourself, Mattea? Like, what are you into these days?

Mattea: I’m very into immersing myself in media that I can find on the internet. I really like to read and stuff like that. I’m always at the library of my school, which is really nice. I like to just listen to music, play on bass and guitar. Super, super chill.

Mariel: So how would you describe our relationship, Mattea?

Mattea: We’re super, super besties. Yeah, I don’t think there’s any other way to say it. Of course, we are a mother and daughter, but I think just we’re able to talk about a lot of things and I’m able to talk about the most things with you, of course, because I’ve known you since I was not born yet. And even since then, it’s like you knew I loved to dance to Donna Summer when you were pregnant with me. So and then we’ve had that awesome connection. We know each other very well.

Mariel: That is very true. And we still listen to seventies music and dance around and sing around. In the car, especially when we’re driving. Besties indeed. I think that’s how I describe us also. But I mean, I think we have balance like bestie/parent balance. Not quite…

Mattea: …like besties only, no limits. Like, we definitely have those moments where it’s like we’re going to be honest with each other. And then we’re just going to, you know, talk about life and help each other out and stuff.

Mariel: Do you, do you ever get startled when I have to turn mom on? Like, Mom mode?

Mattea: It depends on the situation. If I’m aware of the thing that I have to be kind of reminded of. Yeah. I’m like, yeah, you’re right. You’re right. And of course, I’m going to listen to you because if my mom saying it, then she’s right. She knows everything because, you know, mom senses. But for sure, it’s helped us, even though it startles me, sometimes it does help us become even more besties, getting to know that stuff.

Parent and teenager communication

Mariel: That’s true. And I mean it’s kind of proof that I would never lie to you, right? OK, well, we’re here to talk about effective parent and teenager communication. Is that you? Based on parenting websites, you and your child are communicating effectively when—OK, here’s the list Mattea. OK? So you and your child are communicating effectively when (let’s see if we hit these marks): you both feel able to talk freely about your feelings and you feel heard and understood. Do we want to comment on that? What do you think? Do you feel free to talk about your feelings?

Mattea: Yes. Besties.

Mariel: Oh, that’s good. And you feel heard and understood?

Mattea: I feel very heard and understood. And I hope you feel heard and understood even by an almost 16-year-old. 

Mariel: I mean, yeah, you know I’m really happy where were we that we are at? Where we are, like, you know, you’re 16 and you could be, I don’t know, I don’t know. Like you’re so much better than I was at 16. So I’m glad that you feel that way, that you feel like you can talk freely and express yourself and that you feel heard and understood. All right. 

And then the second bullet says that you talk about all the little stuff and you feel comfortable talking about the tough stuff when you need to.

Mattea: For sure, because I mean, I have a diary and I have everything in my diary. And sometimes, I tell everything to my diary, but if I write everything in my diary, I probably told more to you.

I read in it and then it’s like when we’re talking, I just pull it out and like, what am I forgetting to say to you about my day? Oh, yeah. We talk about other little stuff. We have lots of cute little inside jokes with that. And so, you know, that even makes it comfortable to talk about tough stuff because, you know, sometimes for me it’s hard to talk about tough stuff, but it’s since we already know each other, we like how we react to different little things and stuff like that really helps to just kind of is that even if that’s throwing in little jokes with the tough stuff.

Mariel: That’s true. I think it’s because like, we really, really, really, really know each other, right? And I think that we or we have a really good sense of when it’s jokey time and when it’s like, “OK Mom, you need to listen” or, you know, or vice versa. But I do enjoy that. I like the little stuff in between. Like, for example, I love the the texts in the middle of the day or just a meme or like..

Mattea: …like a random selfie. We also send or sometimes we’ll share songs. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So I love that integration. Sometimes even like in a parent perspective, it’s tough to talk about the tough stuff because we’re trying to also balance and make sure you know that while we’re talking to you that we love you. Yeah. And it’s not just like we’re getting on you or there’s blame involved. Like, you’re this or that or you’re feeling at this or whatever. It’s really. Yeah, not like that at all. So just so you know, the tough talks are also tough on us. I know.

So this last bullet, it says here you have a close and easy way of sharing things and you both know you won’t be judged because you love and care about each other.

Mattea: Yeah, that’s us. Because we find ways to relate to situations just a lot that could be different intensities. Like, I don’t know, even when I’m little and I had an accident in my pants, and you’ll be like, “That’s OK. I had that, too, and it’s OK because you’re not the only person who does when you’re six years old.”

Like we’re able to be ourselves, with those inside jokes. They’re inside jokes for a reason. We wouldn’t be that to just anyone, our coworkers or or classmates or any of that.

Mariel: That’s true. 

Mattea: So, yeah, we, we know each other, we get each other, and yeah, there’s no judgments in our interactions.

Mariel: That’s very true. I feel like judgment comes when there’s blame or there’s, I don’t know, there’s some obviously there’s something negative about judgment, right? Yeah. And I like the example that you actually shared. Like when you make a mistake as a child, you know, and you’re not afraid to be like, “Oh no, are we going to get in trouble?”

And I think that, as a parent, because the response, at least for me and your dad, it’s like we try not to be reactionary. So that means if something spills, the first thing is we check on you guys. “Are you OK? We can clean it up.” It’s OK, right? Instead of being like, “What were you thinking! Roar!” No. No roaring in our house. Yeah, we are loud for sure. But. Oh, yes, no roaring. So Mattea…

Mattea: Mother?

Mariel: What would you say was a meaningful discussion that we had that stood out to you?

Mattea: You know, it’s kind of—you know when you’re baking, it’s like the inside of a cake has to be baked first before the outside is baked. So you could be a fully baked perfect cake. So, a lot of our discussions are very much like that with having our internal selves benefit, you know, the way we are externally. 

I know one good discussion. One time it was I was having a really rough time with myself, just mental health and stuff, all of that. And, you know, I was, I was much younger than now. And so it was I thought, wow, I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and how do I tell Mom and all that? Because I thought it was something I could deal with. I always tried to be independent, but sometimes that’s not the solution, because it was really bothering me. And so, you know, I finally come up to you and it was, it was really good because you let me know that, there was no judgment with that and that, you know, this is a safe place to share, all of those feelings and that I’m not the only one who’s dealing with that. So, I wouldn’t have to rely on myself to feel better, which was really, really