Ah, toileting training. It has to be done but sometimes it can feel like it will never end. Katy Gosset looks at when to do it, how to do it and why it can seem like everyone else is doing it better.

Ah, toileting training. It has to be done but sometimes it can feel like it will never end.

Katy Gosset looks at when to do it, how to do it and why it can seem like everyone else is doing it better.

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It may not be celebrated like the first smile or the first unsteady steps, but your toddler's first wee on a toilet is a significant step.

When it's not happening, that's an even bigger deal.

"Peeing and pooing" are among the issues that create the most worry for parents, says clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher.

"If you're so stressed about it, this can make the whole thing hard to deal with calmly."

Good resources by organisations, such as Plunket, are readily available, but the concern for parents came from knowing when and how to apply the information, Gallagher says.

"Like all parenting decisions, the sources of information that can advise what we should do are many and varied and this can make us feel really confused about what is the right thing."

What made things harder is children are "never textbook" and sometimes don't fit the conventional mould.

"Sometimes our kids step outside the curve."

Some resources are aimed at so-called "normal developmental curves", she says.

Many parents feel as though they're in competition with other parents who appear to be more successful at toilet training their children.

"Sometimes there can feel like no more ruthless a judge than another mother whose son is happily running around in his undies."

Parents often feel huge anxiety about their role and milestones provided a point of comparison, which leads some to feel they are getting things wrong.

"Not being quite right does not mean "wrong". It's just a lovely, grey area where we spend a lot of our time as human beings."

It's important to build strong support networks, Gallagher says.

"Because I think if you hope and expect that all parents are going to be on the same team, you're going to be sorely disappointed."

The anxiety of the task means parents could make themselves feel safer and more confident through comparison with others, she says.

"If we can look at someone else and go "Phew, at least we're doing better than they are. At least we're not stuffing it up too much'."…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details