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Leaving An Abusive Relationship ft. Brianna Chickenfry
Update: 2024-12-12
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(VIDEO PODCAST AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE) Brianna Chickenfry joins Alix on Hot Mess to discuss the impact of her relationship and breakup with Zach Bryan.
Alix opens up about how Brianna’s story helped her recognize the signs of toxic relationships in her past and hopes it does the same for the Earle Girls.
Follow and connect with all things @HotMess across Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube.
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Transcript
00:00:00
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Hot Mess with Alex Earl.
00:00:15
Did I just turn that off?
00:00:17
How do I get that back on?
00:00:23
I'm a Hot Mess.
00:00:27
I know that there's stuff circulating online right now between breathe and grace and I honestly
00:00:33
don't really know anything about what's going on there.
00:00:35
This was recorded prior to my knowledge of all of this and I mean, I think anytime you're
00:00:41
going through something with a friend, it's really hard.
00:00:44
I feel for both of them and then also going through something in front of so many people
00:00:49
and having so many eyes on you is also not fun.
00:00:52
So I feel for both of them.
00:00:54
I'm sure a lot of you guys are going to be like, well, why did you not ask?
00:00:57
Talk about the situation, honestly had no idea anything was going on there and I thought
00:01:03
about not airing this episode because I don't want this to be drama or create more drama
00:01:09
for anyone or either of the girls, but really the point of this episode still stands and
00:01:14
there's such a strong message and I think it'll be helpful and there's some good advice
00:01:18
in there for a lot of you guys and a lot of girls.
00:01:20
So that is why I wanted to go forward with airing this episode and yet just wanted to say
00:01:25
that before we get into it.
00:01:27
I'm especially excited for this episode because we are going to be having on Brianna Chicken
00:01:32
Fry and I wanted to have her on because first of all, I mean, I think unless you're living
00:01:37
under a rock right now, you've seen that her and Zach Bryan broke up and she kind of went
00:01:43
on the BFF's podcast and she's been posting a lot on her social media talking about how
00:01:49
the relationship has affected her and how the breakup has affected her and I think she
00:01:55
has shared a lot of behind the scenes of the relationship about it being a narcissistic,
00:02:01
mentally abusive relationship and I think just watching her podcast episode honestly
00:02:06
on BFF's helped me a lot and it kind of reminded me of a lot of moments from past relationships
00:02:13
that I think I either suppressed or forgot and I think that's something that you do when
00:02:17
you're in those type of relationships is just, I mean, you don't do it purposefully, but
00:02:21
you forget and you kind of forget all the little nitpicky things that they might say to
00:02:26
you or that they might do or to make you feel a certain way and really watching her come
00:02:32
forward online and talk about her relationship.
00:02:36
Just it reminded me of a lot of different things that I forgot about.
00:02:40
For example, we would, when I was dating this guy, he would always drop me off at my house,
00:02:44
he would come hang out with my friends and it was always great, like I was always obsessed
00:02:49
with the fact in the beginning that he would hang out with my friends and I loved that
00:02:53
about him and then towards the end of the relationship, which it wasn't an longer relationship
00:02:59
because it was so terrible, but he wouldn't even come to the front door of my house to pick
00:03:05
me up for a date and he would say, you know, why do I need to do that?
00:03:09
Like just come get in the car, like you're being so crazy, like that's not like that crazy
00:03:13
for me to not come up to the door and say hi to you or say hi to your friends and it was
00:03:18
just this like toxic cycle where he would twist what I was thinking or even with him.
00:03:26
I'm pretty sure he was on like Raya as well when we were dating or he would like like these
00:03:32
like strippers photos and I was like, what are you doing?
00:03:36
And he would be like, it just makes me feel better, like that's just something that makes
00:03:40
me feel better, makes me feel good about myself and I was like, am I going crazy right now
00:03:45
or is that just like not what you should be doing or like if that's making me uncomfortable,
00:03:50
like shouldn't you care?
00:03:52
He would literally say to me, like you made me sad, so I had to like these photos to make
00:03:55
myself feel better.
00:03:56
And I was like, oh, like I was so confused and it would drive me crazy that like we would
00:04:03
get in fights and I have photos now because I took photos during this, thank God because
00:04:10
honestly I probably would have forgotten but my nose would be gushing blood because I was
00:04:15
crying so hard and so frustrated and that was the thing about these fights is they were
00:04:19
so frustrating because I knew like deep down what he was saying was so outlandish but like
00:04:26
he would make me feel like I was the crazy one and I just think like listening to her
00:04:31
episode brought up so many of those emotions again for me and I think it's so important
00:04:35
that she's online talking about this and talking about what she went through and signs to look
00:04:41
for when you're in these relationships so that's really why I wanted to have her on today.
00:04:45
It was to talk to the Earl girls and I think there's a lot that can be learned from her and
00:04:51
I think she's still going through a period where she's still learning exactly what she went
00:04:57
through or trying to cope with it and I'm really excited that she wants to come on and
00:05:01
talk to you guys and I really commend her for doing that and talking about that online because
00:05:07
it's not always easy.
00:05:08
I don't want to put her in a situation where she's saying anything that she doesn't want
00:05:11
to say and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable so I think for the people that are looking
00:05:16
for maybe a lot of drama or me to like try and push her into a corner to say something
00:05:21
like that's not just that's not how we do it on hot mess and I really just want anytime
00:05:26
I have a guest on for them to just feel comfortable and like we're having girl talk just
00:05:31
sitting down, having a conversation about whatever we are but I don't ever want to like pressure
00:05:36
anyone into saying anything that they don't want to say and I think that's super important
00:05:39
to me and I don't know I've been in situations before where I've said stuff in interviews
00:05:46
and you know I just didn't feel comfortable about it after so I never want to do that to
00:05:52
anyone else but I'm really excited to have her here today and talk about what she went
00:05:57
through in her relationship and how she is dealing with the breakup and what you know her plans
00:06:03
are going forward and how her mentality is kind of changed because I think one of the
00:06:07
big things she talked about in her relationship was that she kind of lost herself and you know
00:06:13
she's putting all the pieces back together right now of who she is and the person that
00:06:18
she lost for the past like year and a half or over year and a half so I'm really really
00:06:24
excited for this I think it's going to be some good girl talk and I'm very excited to have her
00:06:28
own. Welcome to hot mess.
00:06:37
Mix Alex.
00:06:38
What is the last time I saw you?
00:06:40
I think for the PCAs.
00:06:42
The People Choice Award.
00:06:43
Yeah that's the last time I saw you and.
00:06:45
That was a scary night.
00:06:47
That was a scary night because there was a fight at the bar that night.
00:06:50
There was a fight at the bar.
00:06:51
And Grace had to go out the back door that was yeah and I kind of think that was our first
00:06:55
time like really hanging out too.
00:06:56
Yeah I don't think I was trying to think I was talking about it to some pub yeah but we
00:07:01
never met before that right I don't think so but I feel like we have but I was trying to
00:07:05
recount our memories together and I don't think we have I don't think we ever have either
00:07:09
and I was like no we totally met Alex and Miami but we totally never met yeah I just
00:07:14
thought we've met before I know I did too but yeah we had a cryptic night it was a cryptic
00:07:18
night.
00:07:19
It was so scary it was so bad I was horrified yeah.
00:07:22
Tentions were high and things got scary but I have to tell you this kind of a confession
00:07:28
and I think it's just a funny story do you remember when you went to a UMI pool party?
00:07:32
Yes.
00:07:33
Like when you were first blowing up so I was out of town that weekend but the house that
00:07:37
you pre-gamed out with the girls was like my friend group of girls.
00:07:41
Shut up.
00:07:42
And I was out of town that weekend and they were like Brianna chicken prize coming to
00:07:46
pre-game with us and I was like kicking myself.
00:07:50
That was your friend group?
00:07:51
Yeah that was some of the older girls we were friends with and then some of my friends.
00:07:55
Oh my gosh.
00:07:56
Yeah so I went to so we would I was doing college tours for like two years it's kind of like
00:07:59
how I got started and we would go to these schools and we'd just post on our story like
00:08:04
what sororities want to hang out?
00:08:05
What friends want to hang out and then we would go, so we went to sorority and that's crazy
00:08:10
because they were so fun.
00:08:11
And then they were like the truckcase girls, we were doing like ski shots and like just
00:08:16
straight t-dos and I was like oh my god we made a music video with them.
00:08:20
Yeah.
00:08:21
Were you on social media yet?
00:08:22
I was trying but I was out of town for something with my family and I like couldn't
00:08:25
miss it and I was literally kicking myself.
00:08:27
I was like oh my god it was like she's so cool and I'm so upset.
00:08:30
Wait that's so funny.
00:08:31
I wish we met them.
00:08:32
And that would be full circle.
00:08:33
I know.
00:08:34
That's crazy.
00:08:35
No I'm actually happy we didn't meet them.
00:08:36
Well honestly I'm glad too that I was fucking those years of my life like I can't believe
00:08:42
they're all online because they were diabolical.
00:08:45
Yeah no they were so good though.
00:08:47
They were so fun.
00:08:48
Like I think I hopped on during your like blue cool out of phase.
00:08:52
When you were like gagging, taking shots it was so good.
00:08:55
It's crazy.
00:08:56
People are like how did you get started on social media?
00:08:58
I'm like I was dead ass just gagging online and all the college girls like me too.
00:09:03
I was like okay we resonate and then it just turned into something crazy but that's wild.
00:09:08
I can't believe those were your friends.
00:09:09
Sometimes I can't believe the stuff that I post on my self on the internet and now that
00:09:14
I'm just so accustomed to it I'm like yeah whatever and then I'm like oh my god like
00:09:17
why am I posting this for people to see.
00:09:20
Especially with podcasting like you say everything you tell every detail of your life
00:09:23
and you walk down the street and like people come up to you and tell you things that like
00:09:28
only your diaries should know.
00:09:29
Yeah.
00:09:30
And you're like oh I say that to the world.
00:09:32
Yeah.
00:09:33
Like because last year was my first year podcasting and I went through a weird phase where I was
00:09:37
like I I think I'm saying too much or I was saying stuff before I like fully processed it.
00:09:43
I think it's important not to like try and use people for like yeah like baby salacious
00:09:49
stuff because I feel like I did that and I said stuff and I was like oh my god and you
00:09:54
like can't take it back and then it's hard sometimes when you like you're just talking
00:09:58
and then you put out on the internet and you're like you can't get that back.
00:10:00
Well yeah well that's what people like people are so quick to judge or like hey which is
00:10:05
fair because like that's what we signed up for but at the same time like we're just having
00:10:08
conversations as they would with their friends like on a night in but we're posting it to
00:10:14
the world and you don't like I've gotten into trouble with that too and I've been doing
00:10:17
I mean you've been doing it since what 20 how old are you 20 when you started at least
00:10:23
being online.
00:10:24
Yeah I guess I was like 20 but no one was really watching me then.
00:10:28
I started podcasting when I was 19 so like everything that's crazy ever said and I have always
00:10:36
been like outspoken.
00:10:37
I'll say everything and I've never held back and there's like such a trail of it which
00:10:42
sometimes I regret but at the same time it's kind of cool because you can watch like my
00:10:45
progression as a person grow up but at the same time gets you in trouble.
00:10:50
No it does and it is crazy to watch your progression because like all look stuff all look
00:10:54
back at stuff I said last year and I'm like oh my god I don't agree with that right and
00:10:58
I'm like we're still growing up you know like we're still young so it is it is crazy putting
00:11:03
out a lot online but I think it's really cool that you're posting about your break up and
00:11:08
what you're going through and honestly I was tuned into the BFF's episode when you were
00:11:14
talking about everything like everyone else in the world and I was remembering stuff and
00:11:21
remembering feelings from like one of my past relationships that wasn't even on like
00:11:27
the same level as yours but I was remembering stuff just from what you were saying and it
00:11:31
was so like emotional for me to even listen to and then like watching what you've been
00:11:36
posting online since and how you've been helping so many people just kind of leave a toxic
00:11:42
relationship I really applaud you for that because I think a lot of people are quick to jump
00:11:48
and judge online and be like oh my gosh they're just saying this for like attention and stuff
00:11:53
but it's like it's truly so helpful for people to hear and yeah I just want to applaud you
00:12:00
for that because it's really cool what you're doing yeah it's been the the response has been
00:12:06
crazy I didn't really know what it was going to be and like you just said like people are
00:12:11
so quick to jump and like not believe or judge and I knew that was going to be the outcome
00:12:15
of it because I mean if you look at fucking last week the woman that came forward about
00:12:20
Conor McGregor like she literally had to get a tampon surgically removed by a doctor and
00:12:24
people so don't believe her so like obviously people aren't going to believe me and he has
00:12:27
crazy fans and it's all that it's all this and when I was coming forward with it it was it was
00:12:33
really hard because I like slowly started to realize I haven't posted any of it but I documented
00:12:40
like for myself like videos to try to get myself to leave and like I have like a trail for
00:12:46
probably the past like six months of just like telling myself how I feel in this moment what he
00:12:52
did to me like this is why I need to leave because it's so hard when you wake up the next day and
00:12:57
there's an apology and it's like okay well I'm gonna say so I would make videos to like get myself
00:13:02
to remember to leave just smart because you forget all the little things you forget all the
00:13:05
little things and also when you're in such like a toxic abusive relationship you don't like you
00:13:10
don't even understand what's going on you don't even know who you are so like I I was making all
00:13:14
those videos and then when we finally broke up I made like like a break just like documenting my
00:13:20
process and my feelings of like day one day two day three and I rewatched those recently and you can
00:13:26
see through them like I start to slowly realize like what kind of relationship I was in because I
00:13:31
was still like stuck in it where I just thought like I don't know maybe it's just like something bad
00:13:35
like I didn't understand the level of how like toxic and abusive it was yeah like rewatching it
00:13:43
it took me a little bit and I didn't want to speak on it at first like we recorded a in episode of
00:13:49
BFFs probably a week a week before the one that went out to the world so we recorded one and I called
00:13:58
them after and I'm like that just like didn't feel right I don't even know what's going on because I was
00:14:02
still processing my emotions and I was like so scared to call them it's like the end of the day like
00:14:08
podcast is like our job and like I just kind of fucked up everyone's schedule and like all this and
00:14:12
I was like I don't want to put that out I don't want to do that and it took me another week to process my
00:14:18
emotions and what I was going through and then I was like finally ready to sit down and talk about it
00:14:22
and after talking about it I realized like the weight of what had happened and how much it was going
00:14:29
to help other people I didn't realize so many people went through what I went through it was shocking it
00:14:33
was crazy and I feel like you could even tell and like when you were first talking about it just like
00:14:38
you were so gentle with it and like kind of reserved and yeah no that was crazy to see but I want to go
00:14:46
back to like the beginning of this relationship because I think you're someone who like I look at
00:14:52
and I think so many people love you online because you're so confident and like you just give off
00:14:57
this energy of like I don't give a fuck I'm gonna say this I'm gonna stand by that and I think
00:15:04
people think that someone like that can't get into this type of relationship and it really goes to
00:15:10
show that yeah because you think that you're like above it or better and you just you don't understand
00:15:15
so I kind of want to go back to the beginning of your relationship and like what was it like
00:15:21
love bombing that kind of who was this person that you like you fell in love with before
00:15:26
like a switch up started to happen yeah this is an important conversation because like you just
00:15:31
said I before this like before I met him or whatever if you were to tell me like my friend was going
00:15:38
through what I was going through I'd be the strongest advocate for like get the fuck out what are
00:15:42
you doing you're an idiot like before I had met him I was the most like confident person in the
00:15:49
world like I was just so sure of who I was and what I wanted and what I needed and what I deserved
00:15:55
and when I met him I still was that person so I like got into this relationship and I was
00:16:02
praised for who I was like I was with when I met him he praised my job he thought it was so cool what
00:16:08
I did like he loved that I was outspoken fuck what's there's a Taylor Swift lyric that oh god I
00:16:14
resonate with it so much wait I need to look at it like is insane I was like my tears ricochet
00:16:20
I'm learning I'm learning my my Taylor so it's okay so oh my god we could do a whole separate
00:16:25
podcast about Taylor Swift because that's like a whole nother conversation uh we were just talking
00:16:30
about how we're we're new fans with these oh my gosh yes Alex I can't even oh my god the lyric is
00:16:35
because when I'd fight wait I didn't have it in myself to go with grace because when I'd fight
00:16:41
you used to tell me I was brave so in the beginning of our relationship he was like so like
00:16:46
amazed by like how much like a strong woman I was like I'm so opinionated it was like his favorite
00:16:51
thing about me like I was always like who I was in every room that I walked into like that's who I
00:16:56
was in the same person in every room that I walk into and slowly like as we started dating
00:17:01
in the beginning it was like a mirror of myself which I obviously didn't know but I was falling in
00:17:09
love with him because I thought it was him but I was falling in love with myself because when you're
00:17:15
in a relationship with a narcissist a narcissist they just mirror like who you are you're just
00:17:20
falling in love with the person that you are because they like cling on to all your good parts so he
00:17:26
he was like hyping me up for all these great things about me he loved that I was outspoken he loved
00:17:30
my job and then like slowly and slowly it just started deteriorating like it would start with
00:17:37
like little nitpicks about well I think you're better than this job or I think um oh I don't know
00:17:42
you shouldn't really say that online or I don't really like the way you dress like just like little
00:17:47
things where it's like okay it makes you question like oh like yeah like are they right because like
00:17:52
they have my back with everything else like maybe they're looking out for me yeah and they're so subtle
00:17:57
and the relationship is getting stronger so you're like oh well this is a more serious relationship
00:18:01
maybe they're like more comfortable saying these things so yeah maybe I don't know maybe yeah
00:18:06
my job isn't the best I don't know maybe I shouldn't be saying this online maybe I am dressing
00:18:12
wrong like just like subtleties that would build up it was such a mind-fuck because you love the
00:18:19
person obviously and you fall in love with this person and you trust this person like the trust
00:18:24
that I had and I think the red flags and like what people should look out for is like such an intense
00:18:30
bond so quickly which like when you get into it you think it's cool and it's fun and you're like
00:18:36
this is my soul mate but if someone is telling you they're you're fucking soulmate on day two of
00:18:42
hanging out yeah run for the fucking hells like what was I thinking I know I was like you're fucking
00:18:48
soulmates like oh my god there's a rock and I love me like I was so stupid and anyone that's like
00:18:54
anyone that says they wouldn't they fucking would like no you don't know until you're in it do you
00:19:00
know you think you were at all like belided by the fact of like his status or 100% yeah 100%
00:19:06
and I'll be so honest about that like if that if this was if this was a normal like Josh Mo
00:19:12
a Josh Mo and like the first the first time he would have said or not the first time maybe like
00:19:18
him getting me tattooed on him like after a week I would have been like that's fucking crazy but
00:19:23
because he was him I'm like oh that's rock star but like that should have been a red flag yeah and
00:19:29
then like as things went on I I think because it was important for me to have the conversation
00:19:36
because this happens just so many men in power like they just take advantage of women and no one
00:19:41
talks about it because there's when money is involved everything gets like thrown under the rug
00:19:45
and money rules everything but like with him and with money and power you're just surrounded by
00:19:50
yes men so like I would try to have these conversations with like his circle and it would just be an
00:19:56
echo chamber of oh he's just like a tortured soul he's just like this he's just that but it's like
00:20:03
no he's just a bad person you don't get to blame you don't get to blame treating people horribly on
00:20:10
your tortured soul just because you can write a song doesn't mean you can abuse people
00:20:16
like what the fuck is that narrative I'm like what are you talking about yeah I definitely think when
00:20:23
there is a type of status or fame or money involved at all they can you know act a little differently
00:20:30
and like even when I was dating someone in the past and I was like younger and he was just more
00:20:36
known than me and cooler and like literally not even on your level at all but like it's still like
00:20:40
got to my head and like he would do things and talk down to me and like be like well you can't
00:20:45
you know wear these things to these events around these people and everyone was older than me too
00:20:49
that was another thing and I just was like oh well he knows better but it's like just because you
00:20:54
have some type of fame or status or money doesn't mean you know better doesn't mean you're a better
00:21:00
person that this is what your head the power trip thing to isn't just when I say power trip or like
00:21:05
I don't know just like holding power over someone it isn't just because he was a rock star it's
00:21:10
the same thing when you're dating an older guy or you're hanging out with their older friends or
00:21:13
they have like a big guy job they make you feel less than or like that you're insignificant compared
00:21:19
to what they do and that's not how people are supposed to treat people and it's so looked over
00:21:25
and I also think because they have a certain status you look up to that in a way where like oh you
00:21:31
did something to get there you must be doing something right like you you're smart in some type of
00:21:35
way so then you kind of like want to believe them or their opinion on things I think at least for
00:21:40
me that's like yeah it's like admirable yeah you look up I mean when you're little you look up to
00:21:46
when you're a freshman you look up to seniors and it's like for why I don't know just because
00:21:50
they're older and like that's cooler they have more life experience so of course it's going to
00:21:54
transfer and to even like freshman and college to senior guys are like senior older girls you're like
00:21:59
they just know more they're cooler they're older yeah and it translates into like
00:22:03
adulthood too when people are older and have like more experience you just think they have more
00:22:09
power over you but it's a weird line where it's like no we're all human yeah so how early into the
00:22:16
relationship was he talking about like marriage or kids or like your future together I mean
00:22:22
you said your second time hanging out he was saying soulmates so yeah I mean it was really quick and
00:22:28
here's the thing because I guess like I don't know I guess I don't know how real love works
00:22:35
because I'm like does mate like when did Braxton start talk like do you guys talk about kids
00:22:40
yeah but I don't know when that started normal period because I have I raced all my memories
00:22:46
from like old relationships because my last year is about like 10 I don't know how a normal
00:22:50
relationship is supposed to feel like I got into a relationship with him it was one week into
00:22:56
knowing him and then we planned our next trip and we never separated like I was meeting to be
00:23:02
by side at all times we're talking about kids immediately marriage immediately family immediately
00:23:08
and I think a big red flag was that he was always focused on the future and not the present so
00:23:15
instead of just like enjoying I don't know this new blossoming relationship or like what should
00:23:20
we do this week or next week it's like I can't wait in three years to buy a house and like have kids
00:23:25
and like one day we're gonna be doing this it wasn't ever like what are we doing now it was always
00:23:29
like one day this is gonna be amazing one day we're gonna have this house with these kids and it's
00:23:34
like why can't you just focus on the now I think that's a really big red flag yeah and during that
00:23:41
at all did you like were any flags raised of like maybe this is a problem or like this is too soon
00:23:48
but like I'm in fun yeah well it was more so I was getting manipulated into it's really different
00:23:56
from my situation like specifically because of like who he is in his lifestyle so I was manipulated
00:24:03
into the sense that things weren't gonna be normal in this relationship because his life's not normal
00:24:08
because he's like traveling so whenever I would like I would talk about my in the beginning of the
00:24:13
relationship I'd be like I don't think this is healthy I don't think this is normal I would talk
00:24:18
about it and it would be presented to me as no you just don't get it like this is my lifestyle
00:24:22
like I move fast pace like this is who I am I'm rich I'm famous so I was like kind of belittled into
00:24:29
thinking I was asking stupid questions or like this was supposed to be normal and like it was okay
00:24:35
to talk about children yeah been dating for a month like stuff like that and everything was just so
00:24:41
steamrolled and when it came to his emotions he was allowed to have all of them but when it came
00:24:48
time for like me to talk about mine I was always you're being crazy you're being insane or like
00:24:54
he would manipulate my like memory so I I would recall a situation or a conversation and I we
00:25:02
just had it so I would be like why did you say this and he would twist it and then what narcissists
00:25:09
do is they like they jumble you so they like put you in this triangle where he would jumble your
00:25:15
thoughts so he would make you think no I never said that and then he would throw all this random
00:25:20
information about like previous fights or like upcoming things in so that it confuses you and you
00:25:25
have nothing to rebuttal which I I started like reading a lot talking to my therapist about like
00:25:30
narcissistic abuse and that's like a really big flag is when you're facing like when you're
00:25:36
confronting them about something if they try to throw like misinformation at you or like
00:25:42
bring up past situations you're probably most likely dealing with a narcissist they can't just
00:25:46
like sit down and have a one-on-one about what Europe said about fucking run for the health because
00:25:52
it's not gonna change yeah it's only gonna get worse you know it was terrifying like there was no
00:25:57
there was no one time where I could sit down and tell my feelings it was just you're wrong
00:26:02
why are you being emotional and they make you feel crazy oh that is you said you were in something
00:26:08
similar before yes like not to the extremes of what you're talking about but I think I kind of
00:26:14
dealt with this with my boyfriend before Braxton and he like played baseball and I thought he was so
00:26:20
cool and it was a very short-lived relationship I will say because um which is what I want to ask you
00:26:26
in a second but I would talk to like my friends because I lived in a house with like six girls at
00:26:31
the time yeah um but soon after we started like hanging out he got a place in Miami and was like I'm
00:26:39
just gonna like move to Miami and I was like whoa like okay and I was just going into my senior
00:26:44
year of college so granted I had a lot of other stuff to be distracted with like had I not had all
00:26:49
those things would the relationship have ended like I don't know yeah and um I just remember he
00:26:55
would make me feel guilty about like going hang out with my friends or there would be nights where
00:26:59
he would tell me that I went out to a club and I just fully didn't I was like I what are you talking
00:27:05
about and he's like no no no like my friends told me they saw you here I was like I was at home in
00:27:09
bed like I just don't know what you're talking about so it's like I understand the like manipulation
00:27:15
in a way where it like makes you makes you think yeah you're crazy and um it also makes you like
00:27:21
Loki hate yourself yeah like you're just always walking on eggshells you shouldn't be with someone
00:27:27
we are constantly fearing a reaction it was always constantly walking on eggshells and I would
00:27:34
it's so crazy to be in a relationship where you're worrying about someone else is feeling so much
00:27:40
like I said like always on eggshells but then they're just stomping around and they have no care
00:27:44
they have no worry about how you feel about how you react they can do it whatever they want
00:27:49
but the slightest thing that you do wrong it's like a volcanic eruption yeah and now it's so
00:27:54
hot it's child yeah fucking he would get mad at me and tell me like I would go over to this place
00:28:01
to hang out and he would sit there and say like I can't talk today like I I spoke too much today I
00:28:05
don't want to talk and then we'd sit there in silence and I'm sitting there crying like
00:28:09
hello like you're not going to talk to me and he would just sit and watch the TV as if I like
00:28:12
didn't exist and I sat there and I was like this feels wrong like this doesn't feel right but
00:28:17
I was like am I crazy like was I being that much of a bitch like to get this type of reaction so
00:28:23
did you tell anyone or like friends or family like what you were kind of thinking or experiencing
00:28:29
at all or like did you kind of keep it to yourself I kept so in the beginning I kept a lot of it
00:28:41
to myself or when things were kind of getting crazy there was this one month in October when I was
00:28:46
on my one of my podcast tours and I broke up with him when we were in Philly because he was just
00:28:56
it's when I still had a sense of who I was and like I wasn't so mind fucked by him where I was like
00:29:02
this is not healthy this is not good I shouldn't be having this reaction when I'm like
00:29:07
doing my tours and I'm like doing my like I shouldn't have someone that is tainting anything special
00:29:13
to me if you are with someone that ruined special moments for you you should not be with them and
00:29:19
if it's a constant like I get it maybe I don't like I get drunk one night and they're like yeah they
00:29:22
mess up one night but if it's a constant like they're searching to ruin your special moments
00:29:28
that's a monster yeah that is like that is literally they are envious of you they are jealous of you
00:29:35
they want to be you and they'll do anything to tear you down and that's not a relationship that
00:29:40
is awful so I was getting that sense of like my tour had started and every every tour stop I was like
00:29:48
oh what's wrong like something's ruined oh he ruined this for me yeah so we got into like an argument
00:29:54
or whatever and I had broken up with him and I went home and I should have left it at that
00:30:00
but then wake up in the morning to the you're the only girl I've ever cried for you're the only
00:30:06
girl I've ever begged for and I'm like so this man must love me manipulation like what are you
00:30:12
what are we even talking about here and then I went back we talk and we get back together that is
00:30:17
the last moment that I like genuinely stood up for myself in the relationship and from there on
00:30:22
it was just it was just down down down and I was beat down so much where I was embarrassed
00:30:30
to fucking tell anyone yeah because I knew I was gonna say and I think a lot of people experience
00:30:35
this just from my fucking DMs like I'm everyone's first person they're telling and I'm like I get it
00:30:42
dude because when you're going through something like this and like we said in the beginning like
00:30:47
you're a confident person you don't think it's gonna happen to you and you know you're gonna go
00:30:51
back because you know the toxic cycle you know that they're gonna apologize it's almost more embarrassing
00:30:56
to like call your friend and be like you don't want to hear it and you say the most out land is
00:31:01
shit like my friends were like what in the beginning and I was like fuck I can't keep telling them this
00:31:06
because I'm gonna bring them to fucking Thanksgiving yeah so it's like you're humiliating your partner
00:31:11
you're humiliating yourself but in general take that away you're disrespecting yourself
00:31:18
by being with this person but in that you can't see that because you're always trying to protect
00:31:22
them yeah it's a constant like you're their shield of protection when they would do nothing to
00:31:27
protect you so there was like a period of time where it was like the darkest couple months of my life
00:31:32
because I talked about it on BFFs like he completely isolated me for my life I lived on a tour bus
00:31:38
I couldn't do things that I wanted to like I couldn't go on the tarp trip I couldn't go I couldn't
00:31:43
do anything and I like stopped doing my career he wanted me to quit bar stool I couldn't talk to my
00:31:49
family about anything I wasn't home so I was just in this bubble and it was a constant like it was
00:31:55
a revolving door of my thoughts just like back and forth back and forth back and forth and I'm like
00:31:59
I could tell my friends one are they even gonna understand to I'm kind of embarrassed like I genuinely
00:32:05
was embarrassed of what I was putting up with and like to go from such a confident person and like
00:32:11
a like a strong woman to like being abused is like I felt embarrassed I'm not embarrassed anymore
00:32:18
clearly because I can talk about it but I was disappointed in myself and my narrative has
00:32:25
has changed a little bit because even when I first came forward with everything I'm blaming myself a
00:32:29
lot in the video like in the BFFs video I keep saying like I want to take half the blame
00:32:33
which is not your fault at all I'm real I don't and I'm talking about that but
00:32:38
it's so hard to like come to that realization because when people treat you like that
00:32:44
like why didn't I stand up for myself why don't I do that it's like you really didn't have a choice
00:32:48
you were like being put down at it yeah I mean I assume to that extent like you don't really
00:32:53
understand until you're in it yeah and I think like for girls listening because I think when people
00:32:58
are like oh like how can you avoid a situation like this like I don't think it's avoidable like I
00:33:03
think their signs like look out for because that's the whole point of it is it's like it goes right
00:33:07
over your head that you don't even realize it's happening but I think if you cannot tell your
00:33:12
friends or like be honest with your friends or your family about what is happening in your relationship
00:33:16
like that right there should just be like a right there should be like the blinking lights of like
00:33:22
maybe something is wrong like if you can't tell your best friend if you can't call your
00:33:26
fucking friends or your mom and be honest with them about your relationship if you have to hide
00:33:32
anything about your relationship it's probably not a good and oh my gosh like I'm talking like
00:33:38
tens of thousands of DMs about I'm hiding this from my family I'm hiding this like I'm so embarrassed
00:33:43
that that should be your first red flag because I think like you just said it goes over your head
00:33:48
in the beginning and you're like so swooned and you love this person because it's a mirror view you
00:33:52
fall in love with someone that doesn't exist like they completely manipulate you and you fall in love
00:33:56
because you love people and that's not a bad thing and you shouldn't be ashamed of that you're like
00:34:01
a lover you love someone you take care of someone but when it gets to the point where you're embarrassed
00:34:05
to like tell your friends or you're like I'm gonna go back to him if you just say I'm gonna go back
00:34:09
to him you should never have to leave him to begin with yeah no it's true and I think on the flip
00:34:14
side of things my sister had a boyfriend where she I don't think he was the best at times and she
00:34:21
would tell me things and I would like get so angry at her for being with him yeah that she stopped
00:34:25
telling me things completely which then made me feel super guilty so like what would you say
00:34:29
you would have wanted to hear from someone or like advice for people on how to react to those
00:34:35
type of things because obviously his friends you want to be truthful and be like yeah get the
00:34:38
fuck out but that sometimes doesn't always work everyone knows if they're best friend or their
00:34:43
sister their cousin is in a toxic relationship like if that's someone that you're close with you know
00:34:49
that so you should approach with caution because clearly this person is stuck or they're staying for
00:34:55
a reason and they feel trapped so if you come in guns ablazing like you're fucking idiot you have to
00:35:01
leave what are you doing you're building a wall yeah you're closing you're you're closing them
00:35:07
in more like they're gonna feel more isolated and they need you so bad like they need you so
00:35:13
fucking bad and for you to like like you can come in with tough love and be like I love you so much
00:35:18
I don't think this is healthy but whatever you choose to do you're gonna stay I'm here for you I
00:35:24
support your decisions I want you to tell me everything I want you to be honest I want you to
00:35:28
be open you can't come in with judgment because you're never gonna understand what they're going
00:35:34
through unless you've been through it and I know it's so easy to say like fucking leave because two
00:35:40
years ago I would have been the girl fucking leave yeah this has changed my relationship with a
00:35:45
lot of my friends because I had to like come full circle and I had I had a friend one of my best
00:35:50
friends in high school who she was in this like crazy relationship and we were all in the same
00:35:55
friend group and he was like completely completely abusive physically abusive wild shit and we
00:36:03
like continued after they broke up like we were all in the same friend group we kind of hung out
00:36:06
with them and I didn't think there was like I don't know I never thought about it twice it was like
00:36:11
high school whatever after I got out of this relationship I went home and I was home for a while
00:36:15
because I was like picking the pieces of myself off the ground trying to become a person again
00:36:20
and we like all went out to dinner and I just like started sobbing because I felt like no one had
00:36:25
ever seen her or what she went through and I was like I'm so fucking sorry that we continued to hang
00:36:33
out with this guy or like continued to invite him to things that we were doing even if it was three
00:36:38
years after the relationship like I couldn't imagine how invalidating that was to her and like how
00:36:45
just like unheard or unseen she felt and she just had to like go along with it because everyone
00:36:50
was friends with them after yeah it's like it was really eye-opening to see what kind of friend you
00:36:55
have to be to someone or what kind of friend like I needed during this whole experience and I think
00:37:00
you kind of have to give like you can't be selfish during this like you have to be there for your
00:37:07
friend and are your friends like understanding now of like what you were going through well I mean
00:37:12
obviously but like yeah now we look back and because like I said I kept a lot of it to myself and
00:37:18
they like nothing ever seemed okay like nothing nothing ever seemed okay but I tried to play it off
00:37:26
like I tried to bring him to things like I fucking tried man and yeah nothing ever seemed great
00:37:32
but I wasn't telling them like actually what was going on you know and now that I'm open and I'm
00:37:37
talking about it with them and like I'm actually like airing everything out we're like putting all
00:37:42
the pieces together and they're like recalling conversations with him and everyone just being like
00:37:46
brana I was so scared if I'm the whole time he was so mean like he made me feel so bad like people
00:37:50
are coming like he made me cry so he was mean to your friends like scared of him he was so fucking
00:37:59
mean and then he would just be overly nice like this weird overly nice thing and I feel so bad like
00:38:05
I have apologized to all my friends like I am so sorry because I talked about it I've talked
00:38:10
about it I this year became a version of myself that I fucking hated like even in the
00:38:16
past two weeks I'm like a noticeably different human but I like lost so many good things that I
00:38:23
loved about myself I loved how outgoing I was like I used to walk into a room and I could talk to
00:38:29
anyone like I wouldn't adapt to the energy in the room I would just bring my own energy slowly
00:38:34
through dating him I would just become like a fly on the wall I would go to things and I just sit
00:38:39
because I didn't know how to fucking socialize with people anymore because I wasn't used to normal
00:38:43
conversation I was so isolated and I was in like this perpetual cycle of trying to defend myself
00:38:50
or trying to get validation from this person like I never had a chill I kind of just sit on the conversation
00:38:55
like on the couch and have a conversation it was always such extreme conversations with him like
00:39:00
talking about our deepest feelings or like how angry we are how mad like there was never just like
00:39:05
look at this funny TikTok like there was like just no really it was so extremities with this dude like
00:39:12
hot or cold there was no like like there was just no ease to it and it like made me so like
00:39:20
always on like look out I was always looking over my shoulder like what is what conversation
00:39:24
am I gonna have next I didn't know how to socialize anymore so it turned to me into like
00:39:29
the shell of a human I'll go home to my friends they're like who is this bitch like I used to be so
00:39:35
fun and outgoing and I just turned into like a reflection of him and it's so funny because in the
00:39:41
beginning he was a reflection of me and then like slowly he's like sucks the light out of me and
00:39:46
at the end of it it was it was weird because obviously I thought it was heartbroken when we had
00:39:53
first broken up because I truly loved him like I at least I thought I did I really cared about him
00:39:59
but I realized I wasn't heartbroken like my soul was broken like he just like took all of these
00:40:05
pieces for me I wasn't sad I didn't miss him I missed me like I was mourning myself I wasn't
00:40:10
mourning the relationship I got out of it and I was like fuck I have to pick up all the pieces
00:40:16
of me like I don't even know who I am anymore it wasn't I need to fix this relationship it was like
00:40:20
how do I get back to me yeah which I think is so apparent and like just even like watching your
00:40:26
videos right now and it's like I feel like the life is back and you were like it's just it's so
00:40:32
inspirational to see how happy you are now even though you're obviously still going through
00:40:38
stuff working on stuff but like seeing that and I think for other girls to see that because I always
00:40:42
said there's a side of a breakup that's like exciting it really is like congratulations you know
00:40:48
as you like getting yourself back because when you're in a relationship that's not good for you
00:40:52
you like you lose yourself yeah you do and that that is like the crazy thing about it like of course
00:40:58
I'm still healing and I'm dealing with that and I'm doing it online like I'm talking to people
00:41:02
about it and I'm talking with people about it but at the same time like I for the first time
00:41:08
went back and watched all my old videos the other night on my main account which is crazy because
00:41:13
the second I started dating him I stopped posting on my main account because I like I don't know
00:41:18
who I was anymore I was like I can't be outgoing I can't do this so I just posted on my spam and I
00:41:22
went and watched my old videos and I was reminded of who I was it was bizarre I was like oh my gosh
00:41:28
that's that's me and this past year I had become and I was so like I was so mad at people would
00:41:35
always comment like I don't even know who she is anymore like she's changing herself I'm like no
00:41:39
I'm not what the fuck are you talking about because I was clearly like I was like projecting I'm like
00:41:44
shut up no fucking not yeah and they were so right I completely changed everything about myself
00:41:49
if you have to change yourself in unhealthy ways for a partner that that's not a good relationship
00:41:56
like so when he doubt like what you were posting or how your personality was or did that just kind
00:42:03
of like go away as a result of like the relationship and the trauma it was so at least for podcasting
00:42:10
wise there would be instances where he would bring up something that I said and it would cause a
00:42:16
fight like I call Jacob Alority Hod or something that God I was in jail for like three weeks about that
00:42:22
and so I like slowly after knowing the reaction of what I was going to say held my tongue on a lot of
00:42:28
stuff and we talked about it on BFFs actually like it ruined like BFFs for a year and I'm I couldn't
00:42:34
talk about anything we couldn't talk about my relationship we couldn't talk about my life because
00:42:38
we knew the repercussions of it and like we all knew behind the scenes what was going on but like
00:42:42
obviously wasn't going to talk about it and then through posting on social media I would be posting
00:42:48
on the bus or like doing like my everyday videos and like I don't know anything to talk about I
00:42:53
don't do anything anymore I literally sit here all day and just like wait for him to come around and
00:42:58
be nice to me or be mean to me or like it was so bizarre I just completely forgot who I was for a man
00:43:04
and with those extremes like would there be extreme goods like good parts of it too yeah in
00:43:11
the beginning at least there was like it was really fun because it was so new and it was exciting
00:43:18
and like we were traveling and we were doing things but then the extreme like the good extremes came
00:43:25
only after the bad so I think he would see that I was like just like a just a shell of a human he'd
00:43:32
be like oh I need to give affirmation or I need to like build her up a little bit to keep her around
00:43:36
longer I need to like make sure that she doesn't like dip out or say something crazy so when I was
00:43:41
really down that's the only time he would be good and he would like build me up just to break me down
00:43:46
again yeah just break me down again it was just constant constant constant until it turned into just
00:43:51
bad and that's how you get stuck because you're waiting for the good so everyone's like why did you
00:43:57
stay why did you stay it was because I was in that constant things would be bad build me up oh it's
00:44:02
lovely it's good again like there he is there's that person and then when it's all bad you're sitting
00:44:07
there waiting for him to be that person again but one day it's just like gonna stop because you're
00:44:11
stuck and that's what people get stuck for years I've gotten people leaving their marriages and
00:44:17
calling off like it's crazy engagements being like I've been with this person for 11 years and
00:44:22
your podcast just changed my life and my perspective about things which is crazy because when I
00:44:27
came forward with the podcast and didn't take the money I didn't know why I was doing it I just like
00:44:33
it was a moral thing for me it was more so like if I do take the money and I don't talk about it
00:44:37
I'm not gonna be able to sleep at night and like it's like a soul thing like a weird just like I need
00:44:42
to like cleanse my soul of this in this situation and how are you gonna tell me I can't talk about
00:44:48
what I went through and why am I gonna protect you when you hurt me things so I just did it solely
00:44:54
because I was trying to take myself back and I didn't realize how many people I was gonna help yeah
00:44:58
and did he not think at all like when you guys were dating that you would ever like
00:45:03
say anything or out him in any type of way I remember having this conversation with his manager one time
00:45:11
whereas manager would always tell me like you're the only one that can change him you're the only
00:45:15
one that can fix him you're the only one that can like speak out on him and I was in our backyard
00:45:21
this is like after like something like crazy happened and in the back are talking to him about it
00:45:27
his manager and he's like he's gonna change he's gonna change because you can expose him for all
00:45:34
this like you are the only one that it like has the power to change him yeah and I always thought
00:45:39
that was so fucking weird from that day on I was like the power doesn't sound great I have the
00:45:46
power I'm like I thought like he loved me but like he's just with me now because he's scared that
00:45:51
I'm gonna come like yeah it was so twisted that whole camp is fucked in the head yeah and I'm like
00:45:58
what I have the power of him like shouldn't he change because like he wants to be a better person
00:46:03
and like he loves me we're dating and not because he's scared that I'm gonna expose him
00:46:08
fucking crazy and I'm like that's what that is like the first time I finally started talking
00:46:14
in my family about it I called my aunt and my aunt has been through all of this like the only person
00:46:19
from kind of like jump to end who I knew wasn't gonna judge me because she was in an abusive
00:46:23
relationship before her husband she's the happiest woman in the world now they're adorable so there is
00:46:28
hope but she was in a really really bad relationship and I remember her telling me stories like
00:46:33
before this about shit she he would do to her so I knew I could call her and she wasn't gonna judge
00:46:39
me because she stayed for like three years and I would tell her everything and it got to a point
00:46:45
where she was like breathe this is not gonna change he's going to completely ruin your life I don't
00:46:51
even recognize you anymore I love you stay as long as you want but I don't I don't even know who
00:46:56
you are anymore and that's kind of when I was like already I'm checked out so do you think if he
00:47:02
because at the end it was ultimately like he left or broke up or whatever he didn't break up
00:47:06
and just kind of like skid out old but like do you think you would have like
00:47:11
took the initiative to end it it's so I mean I hope because of all my videos the reason number five
00:47:17
fucking million to leave like I would hope one day those worked but the ending was really weird and
00:47:22
I know everyone's like he left you he dumped you he got caught on rya so we had to post an
00:47:28
Instagram story like there was a whole situation in um that happened the night before we like
00:47:34
broke up or whatever he left to Oklahoma it was crazy it was horrible and we like came to the
00:47:41
conclusion we're gonna say together we're gonna figure it out whatever he goes back to Oklahoma
00:47:46
I didn't know he was cheating on me the whole time um yeah wait what was this part of things uh I
00:47:52
feel like I kind of brushed over that because did you the cheating was the most normal part for me
00:47:57
I was like oh cheating that's like normal dude's cheat uh-huh but like he was one did you find that
00:48:01
out um I found out kind of like what well the rya thing I was like yeah okay this is crazy
00:48:09
and then I have all these girls DMing me and then I have all of like just receipts and receipts of
00:48:14
people being like you guys were so dating I didn't want to tell you all this stuff which I'm like dude
00:48:18
fuck you why didn't you just yeah wait that's really crazy because if I knew like if I knew he was
00:48:23
cheating on me it would have been like it's easier for me to leave yeah because which it sounds so
00:48:30
weird but it's like sometimes the stuff that's like emotional or mental it's so much more confusing
00:48:35
than like a blatant out like oh someone's cheating on you you're like oh by textbook like I know
00:48:39
what to do but that's why I think it's so important they're speaking on this stuff because people
00:48:43
don't understand that that is like this the same if not worse yes to do to someone yes the people
00:48:49
that don't believe me or don't understand it like it's not for you this is for people that are
00:48:53
experiencing it right now and that like that's why throw our stones at me fucking rip me apart I don't
00:48:58
care it's not for you I'm not doing it for those people I'm doing it for like the tens of thousands
00:49:02
of people that are losing their lives to these people like genuinely like absolutely losing
00:49:08
themselves and miserable when they were great people so I have all these people reaching out to
00:49:13
me being like I thought I was just kind of with like a douchebag I didn't realize that I'm like
00:49:18
an emotional abuse right now like this is not a normal way to live this is not okay you don't
00:49:24
speak to people you love the way that these people speak to you it's confusing it's like you don't
00:49:29
you can't really wrap your head around it or you just think that it's like normal or they're in
00:49:34
a bad mood or whatever but it's like yeah do you have an example of something like
00:49:39
for any girl listening to like grasp of like an example of something someone would say to you
00:49:45
or something like he would say or do or try to like twist your mind like let me get out the
00:49:50
fucking book um I think like I'm trying to give like an example that wouldn't be specific to him
00:49:59
like kind of just like an overall thing I think one thing that's really crazy and scary
00:50:05
that a lot of people experience is the getting mad when you're hanging out with friends type of thing
00:50:12
or like not letting you hang out with your girlfriends or like wedging wedging themselves in between
00:50:18
you and your closest friends why why would you want to do that that is like clearly a tactic of
00:50:24
isolation I can understand like not getting along with friends I've had plenty of boyfriends
00:50:30
that are like dude your friends are kind of crazy I don't really want to chill they're out with us
00:50:34
they're hanging out they're having fun they're like not ruining the time they're not like you
00:50:39
can't hang out with this person or you can't be with me if there is like a clear tactic of trying
00:50:44
to draw isolation between you and your closest friends or like even family members because
00:50:51
that's that's a big thing too anyone else that you could have to like lean on or have for support
00:50:57
they try to turn you against so that it's like ultimately you only have them and that's like the
00:51:02
the thing about it so that's why you can't leave because you're like fuck that's all I have
00:51:06
but it's all manipulation it's all a tactic to make you believe that you're nothing without them
00:51:11
but it's like look back and like do like a let's do like a reverse step thing like if you were to
00:51:18
look at your relationship and be like why do I feel like I only have this person oh maybe because
00:51:23
they made me hate Melissa they made me not hang out with my mom they moved me out of my hometown
00:51:28
it's all gonna lead back to that person isolating you so in reality you didn't need them you needed
00:51:34
your family you needed your friends and they took you out of the situation yeah yeah so if if
00:51:40
they're not letting you hang out with people that you loved before them or they're like clearly like
00:51:44
they try to like drop bombs or like try to like get in your ear about how this person isn't good
00:51:49
for you or how that's like a toxic something it's why are you doing that that's my best friend which
00:51:55
I think it's fucking sister yeah and people it's probably like oh I don't understand how like they
00:51:59
could just be like if you're best friend but like whatever it's like maybe you have a fight with
00:52:03
your friend or something or like you know you shit talk maybe a family member or something to
00:52:06
your significant other and you kind of want them to just like shit talk back with you but they start
00:52:11
to like twist it in a way of like oh that person's bad and then you're like oh my gosh because you're
00:52:15
so heated in the moment of whatever you're upset about with that person that they take advantage of
00:52:20
it to like twist it and make you think that that person like shouldn't be in your life
00:52:24
when in reality you're just having like a normal tip a normal tip and then they'll bring it up
00:52:29
like weeks later a day later or whatever when you're like oh no I was just angry no but remember
00:52:34
what you said and remember how they made you feel yeah this person's not good for you it's like
00:52:39
no we were just having like a normal relationship conversation where I can I'm supposed to be able
00:52:44
to say whatever I want and it's judgment for you so like no judgment here we're not gonna judge
00:52:50
but everything that's another red flag if they use like things against you things that you have
00:52:56
said previously against you or they like hold things over your head he would always do like kind
00:53:02
gestures for me and talk about it for the rest of the relationship well I did this for you one time
00:53:06
I did that for you this one time I'm like don't you remember like this this and this and it's like okay
00:53:12
but we're not talking about that right now we're talking about this that's that that's the confusion
00:53:15
thing I was talking about earlier where it's like they would just throw think well remember I did
00:53:18
this for you I'm like okay the six things that you ever fucking did for me why don't we talk
00:53:24
about the 20 things a day I would do for you but when you're a kind person and you love someone
00:53:29
you don't do them to like hold it over them you just do it because you love someone yeah
00:53:34
and it's very clear when someone is like holding something over your head or like constantly
00:53:38
bringing up that like one nice thing they did run yeah but I know it's not good it's scary it is scary
00:53:45
and with social media I want to know how you didn't like crack ever or ever like just help myself
00:53:54
like that I just flip out or like anything because I also feel like in recent months like people
00:54:01
were just like hating on you to like hate on anything and I feel like that would drive me fucking
00:54:07
crazy of like if you just do things and you weren't saying things and keeping all that in like I just
00:54:12
can't imagine how that was draining you like no I feel like people don't give you enough credit
00:54:20
for that as well as like keeping all that in while dealing with stuff online and it's like oh my
00:54:25
gotta be so easy for you to just like step out and say something but you literally just were like
00:54:29
quiet silent or like I was a touching bag for everyone yeah um which is thank God it was me
00:54:36
because I'm like if anyone else was going through this I'm like genuinely I would be so scared
00:54:40
for them it was probably the like right before we broke up in the previous two months the worst
00:54:49
two months of my whole entire life I was in the darkest place that I like ever been in
00:54:55
and I don't think people understand like I was experiencing extremely ang like from every angle from
00:55:01
people had supposedly loved me and then online like every day constantly with like made up narratives
00:55:07
and crazy stories and like something about me I just I've never felt the need to like defend my
00:55:15
character I feel like if you have to explain yourself it's not worth doing I think just over time
00:55:20
things show and I think like God's plan worked out for me where it's like I was able to show who I am
00:55:26
through all of this and like I made it through the tough points but when I was going through that
00:55:31
shit it just made me so angry because you never know what someone else is experiencing and I think
00:55:38
it was clearly so obvious because the people that were so mean to me online were mean to me
00:55:43
because of my relationship and they were the ones the first ones to be like you change yourself
00:55:46
for this person you're not the same person anymore and I'm like okay you're laying out all the facts
00:55:51
for yourself I just wanted someone to be like we need to save this girl like she's clearly in a
00:55:57
really bad place like with a really bad person but instead it was like no we're just gonna blame the
00:56:04
women were it's just always blame the fucking woman and everything that I defended him for somehow
00:56:10
became my fault everything that he did wrong somehow became my fault after coming forward somehow became
00:56:18
my fault because I'm not like this perfect victim that people want me to be sorry no one's going
00:56:24
to be a perfect victim for you and like sorry I have spoken my mind on the internet and I am like
00:56:31
a loud person and I'm confident or I say things that you don't agree with that doesn't mean that I
00:56:37
didn't experience the abuse that I experienced and for me to come forward was the hardest thing
00:56:43
that I ever did in my life like I said we recorded that episode I ex-nated I didn't want to do it
00:56:49
I was on my bathroom floor like for two weeks straight I couldn't even keep my eyes open I was like
00:56:56
what the fuck I was experiencing like everything in my real life on top of having to navigate it
00:57:03
publicly and then also being shit on while I'm yeah throwing up on the bathroom floor because I want
00:57:09
a fucking die and to come out on the other side and like be able to talk about it and say no to the
00:57:16
money and I don't know it was just I'm really proud of myself for it and if you want to still hate
00:57:23
me after that's fine I feel like I broke myself I'm like this you could never I'm like you fucking
00:57:29
nope like how did you not have a moment where you were just like turn on the camera and start screaming
00:57:33
because I would probably do that and also like the fact of that you are navigating knowing that
00:57:40
if you say something like even short like I'm sure putting out the podcast episode was so scary
00:57:44
because you're scared to do anything with this person and then like coming out and saying something
00:57:49
publicly it's like that was I that in itself is the scariest thing I've ever heard
00:57:57
it every time I talk about it I'm I'm so I'm getting more comfortable and more comfortable and I know
00:58:03
people are like she's milking it she's still talking about it I'm healing out loud and I'm doing it
00:58:08
for myself and for all the other people going through it bitch I'm the milk man I will talk about it
00:58:13
for as long as I want because this is my story not yours and I'm allowed to you didn't experience
00:58:19
that I did so I can talk about it for 12 million more fucking years if I want to and I think like
00:58:27
after I came forward with it I still haven't I think people are also not understanding I am like
00:58:33
still taking the high road of it I'm like barely saying anything yeah I'm not getting into details
00:58:38
I'm just talking about like what other people should look out for like what I experienced on
00:58:42
a basis level or like I'm like scratching the surface on what I went through and I think
00:58:46
because I don't I think for anyone with a brain too I think that's obvious yeah exactly I think
00:58:52
it's just so everything is so obvious I've said I said it before I have painted such a clear picture
00:58:58
and if you can't see the picture that I've painted for you then I cannot hold your hand and walk
00:59:04
you to lines crafters like I don't have the time for that I simply like do the fucking math I'm not a
00:59:09
teacher yeah and if you don't want to believe me or hear me or see me like I said it's not for you
00:59:14
and I it's just it's just so crazy because now my real personality is coming back and I'm like
00:59:21
comments like I'm like yeah I'll spoken I'm not very like premium proper and people are like confused
00:59:28
but like you just go back on my old videos like this is who I was before it's just so obvious I'm
00:59:32
coming back to myself and like not afraid of it anymore yeah so it's all out there online you
00:59:37
can do the homework yeah no it's true and has he reached out to you at all since anything no he blocked
00:59:44
me the day that he asked for the bronco back and oh did you give him the car back or did it get taken
00:59:51
back no still have the bronco oh okay that's cool but it's not we're like working on it it's like
00:59:56
I don't know the plates or anything we're like we're working on it but I still have the bronco
01:00:00
no stomp but no he blocked me on everything oh yeah what's up with the cat I'm never getting
01:00:05
the cat back really and it was such a fucking out of spite thing and you can't like legally get the
01:00:10
cat no because we found it on his land but we kept it because I begged to keep it and what if you like
01:00:16
kidnapped do you know how many ops I have going to concerts trot actually it says but they are
01:00:22
fucking like I have do you know how many people are going to his concerts wearing all of my merch like
01:00:27
wearing the smallest man merch holding up crazy posters and like waiting out at the tour bus
01:00:32
to try to sneak on and steal fucking some it's hilarious like I feel like we should set up I know
01:00:38
girl gang organization to go get it I would someone could get it hold her we totally could oh my gosh
01:00:45
there's like so many girls that are like I'll take one for the team I'll smash I'll get I'll get
01:00:50
fucking stomp back I'm like don't do it to yourself don't do it but we have ops out there I just
01:00:56
want the cat to be happy yeah that's all I genuinely care about and I'm like I'm a crazy cat lady
01:01:02
I'm obsessed with animals and yeah I'm like oh if you want to give the cat back but he's never
01:01:07
gonna give the cat back it's like a that's so terrible at this point it's just like a fuck you to me
01:01:12
which is fine he can use me fuck you as he want UFC that anything the UFC thing was crazy
01:01:18
so that was like obviously on purpose to get you to see that obviously I'm like if that is it
01:01:26
doesn't paint the picture enough for you and I didn't even say anything you didn't even respond
01:01:30
to it I was just like guys he is proving who he is over and over and you still don't want to believe
01:01:36
me he's just a pussy it's crazy at this point I'm like you have all the money in the world you're like
01:01:49
it's really like sad when you think about it because it's like they're so miserable so miserable so
01:01:55
miserable it's like not everything should be that big of a fight or that big of a problem or it's like
01:02:02
you and then you forget that yeah that was something where I went to like a pizza shop and there was a
01:02:07
line and like we I was like let's wait in the line for the pizza and he was like I can't be seen
01:02:12
waiting in a line for the pizza and like it was such a big fight and then I was like I want the pizza
01:02:17
like come on and he wanted to go home and then it was like that was a huge fight and I'm like that
01:02:20
shouldn't be a fight that should like that shouldn't be a fight like that's like just the most normal
01:02:24
thing ever to happen that there's a line for the pizza place and like don't you want to wait in line
01:02:28
with me and like talk exactly I'm like it's a like it should be fun that like we could stand in line
01:02:33
together and like your person is supposed you're supposed to enjoy those moments like just not
01:02:38
everything should be such a problem yeah if there's like more than a fight there just shouldn't be
01:02:43
fights every day there shouldn't be a fight every week and I'm I'm starting to realize like I
01:02:50
ignored a lot of red flags obviously and I did it really good men before him and they were like
01:02:55
great and we ended on good terms everyone also thinks I ended horribly with all my ex-boyfriends
01:03:00
we all ended with like a hug and a kiss I love you like I was 22 23 like the last time I broke up
01:03:07
with boyfriends and that's when it's like people break up it's okay this is a different situation
01:03:12
where I think people hold that over my head where like I was kind of like crazy or shitty back then
01:03:18
but I was with such good people it that I feel like I didn't appreciate and I feel bad about it
01:03:25
because then you get such a piece of shit and you're like I didn't appreciate yeah like I didn't
01:03:31
appreciate that you were like even if we weren't going to work out regardless like I didn't appreciate
01:03:36
how good of a person you are because now I'm realizing it's very far from few in between of good men
01:03:41
yeah no it is it's scary it is scary like what the hell I never want to date anyone again yeah well
01:03:48
I think that's also good not good but that's good that you're in that mindset instead of like trying
01:03:53
to hop to another person you know what I mean like you need to like heal and yeah what what is this
01:03:59
therapy you were talking about doing where it's like you're getting hooked up to something I haven't
01:04:03
started that yet but I'm just like doing regular therapy that it's called so this person recommended
01:04:08
it to me where when you go through like traumatic relationships and you have PTSD after your like
01:04:14
your brain is rewired from an narcissistic relationship like your brain is genuinely rewired so there's
01:04:19
this therapy oh fuck I think it's like EDM tea or something I don't know we can yeah yeah I don't
01:04:25
know it sounds that sounds something start something with wires yeah so they hook wires up to your head
01:04:30
and they literally like change the wavelengths in your brain and they like make you react differently
01:04:37
to triggering situations that's crazy it's really cool it's really crazy but I was told you have to
01:04:42
like go through therapy first like words and talking before you like step into a machine so that's meant
01:04:49
to rewire how you think about certain things I respond to triggering situations okay because
01:04:55
after getting out of a narcissistic relationship a lot of people are diagnosed with PTSD which is
01:05:00
I was like bullshit and then I went to a fitting the other day and they have the same sense like
01:05:06
the same candle that I had in my old apartment with him I I was like oh my fucking god I walked in
01:05:12
I like started shaking I like really shaking throat I couldn't talk the whole fitting I was like
01:05:18
couldn't think about anything I had to go to the bathroom it was so crazy and I'm like holy shit
01:05:24
you don't realize how how like deep rooted emotional abuses until you are on the other end of it
01:05:32
honestly so do you think you've even identified like all the triggers that would give you PTSD
01:05:37
at this point and I was even talking about that with Rose like it takes like she's still figuring it out
01:05:45
like it takes a lot and it takes a lot of healing and therapy and honesty so I don't I think it's
01:05:53
going to be a long road yeah I think it's going to be a long road but I don't think people understand
01:05:58
how much I'm helping them online they're helping me like to be seen and just like not feel crazy
01:06:04
to talk about it yeah it's really helping me a lot and what are your plans going forward
01:06:10
oh my gosh we're booking for you yeah I have something super exciting next week I can't really
01:06:15
talk about it yet but I'm going to tell her Swift this week which you guys have no idea I'm going
01:06:20
to saw my eyes out and I just want to put it on record I know I was a hater I'm a lover now
01:06:27
I was like and I was never a hater everyone's like you're such a swifty hater I just wasn't the biggest fan
01:06:32
yeah I didn't understand the hype so maybe that's considered a hater I totally get it now I think you
01:06:37
have to maybe experience something traumatic or like yeah realize like her lyric I didn't realize
01:06:42
how insanely poetic I have to say her songs that aren't the ones that are like the very mainstream ones
01:06:48
are so good credible and then still I honestly it was like Jake and my friend Sally where like you
01:06:53
need to listen to these lyrics and like just like read the lyrics read what's going on and then when
01:06:58
I saw her performance just was like she's so hardworking she's so cool I'm so excited for you to
01:07:03
see her like I just was like talk about all I talk about I can't shut up about it she's already my
01:07:08
number one on Spotify for after I just became her fan like I'm so excited it's going to be a healing
01:07:13
spiritual experience for me because I've never related to lyrics so much of my life and yeah I'm
01:07:18
just excited to have someone like that so we'll leave on a piece of advice if you were to talk to
01:07:27
someone of like in your situation maybe like a year ago or six months ago with like what is one
01:07:33
piece of advice you would give to them to get the courage to get up and leave or to like recognize
01:07:39
what's going on this is good I think if I were to like look at me four months ago when I was like
01:07:49
really in the thick of maybe like realizing or not understanding what was going I would just like
01:07:54
such such a shell of a person I would ask myself like is any any person any relationship anything
01:08:03
in the world worth losing who you are for there's I don't think a situation where that's ever going
01:08:10
to be true and if you look at yourself and you don't recognize yourself and you don't know how to
01:08:16
talk to people anymore like hey is anything worth losing who you are no and especially because I
01:08:23
mean I feel like like I said earlier that relationship was a year and a half but it felt like 10
01:08:28
we only have so many years and you only have so many opportunities and experiences and I missed
01:08:33
out on so much on the past year and nothing is worth nothing that horrible is worth losing yourself
01:08:39
over so look in the mirror and say you got a sack up it's scary you got a sack up I like I would
01:08:46
probably like I could have been stuck on that for 10 more years you got a sack up all right sack up
01:08:51
sack up wait also I want to say bye but people always think that we hate each other wait
01:08:57
I I was gonna bring this up but I was scared but I was talking about someone on my podcast
01:09:03
and and everyone was like that this is about Bri I know what I was like we were doing me yesterday
01:09:08
I think everyone pitted me against everyone this yeah it's crazy but love you let me tell
01:09:14
we don't need each other my hands are really so sorry okay thanks for coming on guys that's x
01:09:20
wait did I just turn that off how do I get that back on
01:09:33
I'm a hot mess
01:09:39
you
01:09:41
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