The end of 2024 for me has brought with it many endings and therefore new beginnings.

A big overarching theme is a deep reckoning with how available I have been.

I wrote more about this here.

On a macro level I can see how I have associated my deservingness of love and my availability.

The more available I am, the more I give of myself; the more love I can get, right?

Or, maybe more accurately; no one would love me for just being me; I must prove my worth by being useful, capable, and available.

I must earn the love I am given. I must make sacrifices and work hard.

If I have something people want; I should give it away, right?

The answer is probably yes, but there is a subtle line between being generous because you can be and giving more than you actually have to give in hopes that someone else will see you and replenish you.

Where does that line live? Who determines where it lives?

I have been operating as if my business gets to decides where that line lives. Or that the collective society gets to determine where that line lives. Or that other people’s expectations get to decide where that line lives. [I loved this piece on this subject].

But what about me? What if I got to decide where the line lives?

So much of my work, personally and professionally, revolves around nourishment.

But being nourished can be quite relative and subjective.

One one level; I am very nourished. I have impeccable boundaries. I have more than enough and more than I need in so many ways. I am very well resourced.

On the relative scale of nourishment; I would say, my current life is probably quite a bit more nourishing than the average person’s life.

This is not about comparison and it is not about better or worse.

The frequency of nourishment and Mother are my teacher. This is my path.

The levels of which I have been undernourished in my lifetime are also quite extreme relative to most.

The pits of despair and pain we crawl out of happen to be the places our medicine gets the strongest.

Wisdom is built in our experiences of alchemy. This is the way of the medicine woman. We know the medicine is in the poison.

And so.. l am being invited forward.

I am being called into even more integrity with nourishment.

I am being called through the spiral 🌀, and into the more integrated, mature, and powerful woman I am becoming (as we all are by our current circumstances whatever they may be).

I am seeing how starved I am of certain necessary nutrients of wellbeing: spaciousness and self preservation being major themes.

I have given so much away before I have really digested and received the nourishment of it.

I have rushed toward a perceived reward that as I slow down and give myself more space, I’m not actually sure I want.

I notice that the more I integrate and heal and nourish myself, the less ambitious I become.

I start to see what so much of my ambition around having a ‘thriving business’ and proving myself as a ‘respected authority’ on certain subjects, was just about wanting to be loved and feel safe in my place in the world.

As I see and feel in my body more and more that I am perfectly safe and will always be loved, by g-d and myself, there is no need to hustle. There is no need to grind. There is no need to override my precious physiology.

I don’t need to spend hours a day on platforms I know to be wildly depleting and in direct opposition to the juicy and cozy frequency I call nourishment.

I don’t need to respond to every DM or give people endless hours of my time just so they will spend money on my offerings.

I don’t need to deliver my message in a way that feels for good to anyone but me.

I don’t need to sacrifice my physiology or the physiology of my children or the entire energy system of my family as a whole, to make sales.

I don’t need to make people like me. I don’t need to make offers that are more accessible.

I don’t have to have a clean kitchen or more new or trendier stuff.

I don’t have anything to prove.

I need no external validation when my internally sourced worthiness is stable and abundant.

And my internally sourced worthiness and abundance comes from me protecting it, cultivating it, and listening to it, like it is The Most Important Thing In the World.

Internally sourced worthiness comes from being unendingly devoted to my inner well spring of energy. And this is ultimately what I teach and guide other women to do.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with being kind, generous and loving. I am actually naturally such a generous soul. I love nothing more than to nurture, give to, and feed people.

But the way these qualities get twisted up with self-sacrificing, ‘being nice’, and likable more often than not, has made me really question all the places in my life I am giving others the benefit of the doubt or explaining away bad behavior, at the detriment to myself.

My inquiry this year is really around: what if I really honored my own energy system FIRST?

What if nothing came before it? What if I really asked myself; what do you want? What are you hungry for? What do you think? Is this serving your well being and your nourishment?

Because I’ll tell you what: being constantly on social media; feeling like I have to respond to every message I get across all platforms and apps; feeling beholden to make my offerings accessible to all, constantly having my attention pulled between different apps on my phone and my family; and using my life to create content instead of living my life, doesn’t actually serve my nourishment one bit.

Consistent creative expression does serve my nourishment.

Working with women committed to their own long term nourishment, nourishes me.

Spending time being a main feature in and holder of my girls’ daily lives, nourishes me.

Having the space to dive deeply into topics that interest me for no reason other than I’m interested in them, nourishes me.

Having the space and time to create and cook my own food, nourishes me.

What nourishes you?

Because I am so deeply devoted to The Mother (where all nourishment is derived), I am heeding the invitation here because I can’t unsee how the level of unbridled availability expected in this day and age is actually in direct opposition to what I so vehemently believe the world needs.

Which is more reverence; a deeper sense of sacredness and respect for the sanctity of human life and life force, eg more of a connection to what nourishes us.

Quite honestly, I feel very alone in my sober realization here. I feel like most of the world can’t feel what is at stake at the tenor at which I feel it.

I respect peoples’ choices and their sovereign paths. I actually really do trust humanity. I would never assume I know what is best for anyone but myself and my children, because only you can know what is best for you.

However, I can no longer bare the dichotomousness of teaching about nourishment from the compulsion and addiction that is wrapped around social media and the constant consumption and creation of ‘content’ and ‘having a growing and successful business.’

It’s not it and it feels like the elephant in the room.

The wellness industry is indeed an industry and it’s one that 99% of the time isn’t actually promoting anything even close to true wellness or relaying accurately what it actually means to nourish ourselves.

The wellness industry is promoting fear driven quick fixes and sparkly silver bullets to overstimulated, depleted people who simply need to put their phones down, eat enough whole foods to properly fuel their bodies, go outside and drop to their knees at their connection to something larger than themselves.

We all need the long game work of real and true nourishment. Which requires a slowing down. A tapping in. A willingness to do the mundane and unexciting work of being where we are.

As Sarah Blondin said; “Sometimes it’s not about blazing a new path, but rather kneeling down on the one you’re on and asking if there is anything you have been denying.”

I spent the last 2 weeks off of social media and deep in quiet contemplation of where my work is headed. I slowed all the way down to the speed of my embodiment and what I’ve been feeling at this spot actually surprised me.

When I slow all the way down and ask what I really want without the compulsion and addiction to results driven thinking; it is that I want to spend more time with my family and with my girls on a daily basis.

Who is this Clara that pines for more time spent coloring with my girls? Who is this powerful woman who feels her path bringing her right back to what we, as a collective, are told is the lamest location of all, barefoot in the kitchen?

What if the window into my desire was wiped clean of all shoulds and have tos and potential sparkly accolades and what I see so clearly is the truth that I want to be a mother who doesn’t outsource her mothering?

I want to be a mother who understands what a privilege it is to be able to spen