Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us write an essay  debunking the legends of notorious real-life vampires, Vlad the Impaler and Elizabeth Bathory. Who turn out to have nothing to do with vampires after all.

This episode is written, narrated, and produced by Grady Hendrix, New York Times bestselling author of The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires. You can learn all his weaknesses at gradyhendrix.com.