Serious Simcha: Reflections on Genuine Happiness

We are 50 episodes in and I just want to take a moment and thank all of you who have tuned in thus far, who have offered feedback and words of strength, and of course to express my gratitude to God who has given me the strength and fortitude to continue pushing forward. We’ve been developing our understanding of the deep significant connection between increased levels of happiness and experiences of awe. Last week we talked about what happens to our “default self” when we have an experience of awe. We highlighted that even though it may initially feel like it’s not a good thing to lose your default self, once we elaborated on the full picture, it became clear that if we don’t at times quite our default self, if our default self is constantly active, then we’re really doing ourselves a significant disservice. Let’s develop this a little bit more today.

Last week I asked you to reflect on the wife of a firefighter who lost her husband on 9/11, and how each night thereafter she sat for weeks on the beach watching the sunset. We mentioned that alongside her deep pain, she also felt deep gratitude. And, in addition to gratitude, as she watched the sun set, she also experienced awe - something we haven’t yet defined, but we know is deeply connected with increased levels of happiness. Talking about awe is complicated, inherently complicated, because once you start to talk about it, to describe it, to analyze it – in a fundamental way you automatically lose a big part of the experience of it. Think of the initial reaction you have to seeing an overwhelmingly beautiful sunset. You will probably stand and stare, soaking it in. But within moments you might call someone over to come see the beautiful sight, or if you’re alone you might just start noticing the different colors, the patterns…

We’ve been talking about happiness, specifically during difficult times. I have to apologize for repeating myself, but honestly, because of how much pain there is in the world, I just feel so motivated to ensure that the nuance doesn’t get lost – that we understand that pain and happiness are not mutually exclusive constructs; that contrary to the messages we’re bombarded with, we’re far more likely to feel joy only if we also allow ourselves to lean into the harder emotions such as pain and sadness. And as much as I find myself belaboring this point, I continue to read, and watch, and listen to messages which try to talk people out of their pain, out of their sadness.

We spoke last about gratitude, active gratitude, looking for opportunities to express gratitude, and turning inward to touch authentic moments of gratitude even amidst real pain. And just to be clear, these moments of gratitude are not silver linings of the pain. They’re separate, distinct feelings of gratitude for what is, for what we have, irrespective of the pain and loss we’re simultaneously feeling. This authentic gratitude doesn’t start with the phrase “at least” dot dot dot. It’s an entirely separate sentence. And I know it may sound like I’m really belaboring the point, but this is such a nuanced and important distinction. I’d like to talk about gratitude just a little bit more. Since posting the last episode I’ve found myself with a more heightened radar for opportunities to both express gratitude, and to take in expressions of gratitude with deeper impact – to really internalize the feedback.

Let’s return to the guidance offered by Tal Ben Shahar on how to cultivate appropriate happiness during extremely trying times. This week we’ll talk about gratitude, something that we could probably spend more than a year discussing..which is actually quite ironic, because, what the research on gratitude has taught us, is that it’s specifically through active practice – practicing gratitude, that we’ll harness its real benefits.

In the early days following the Hamas attack, I made a conscious decision to view and even read as little of the brutal violent details. My goal was to know what had happened, but to gain that knowledge from people close to me who I trust, and who could relay such an awful reality with sensitivity, and with a mindful awareness of my own personal experience with pain and with trauma. But lately I’ve seen a shift in myself, as many of the children taken into captivity have returned to Israel. I now find that I’ve swung in the other direction. I am reading, watching, listening, and conversing with colleagues about the ordeals these children have endured, their conditions both physically and mentally upon return, and of course all of the conjecturing of what life may look like for them moving forward. Simply put, while I sheltered myself from details at the onset, I now feel compelled and drawn to consume as much as I can, in as much detail as is available. And I do this, knowing that what I learn I’m going to have to process in a serious way, that I wake up with terrible dreams some nights, and that my ability to feel pleasure – to partake in joyous occasions has become further challenged. And so, like the group who consumed information immediately after the attack, I grapple with why I continue to expose myself? What are the forces both conscious and subconscious, which pull us towards painful details?

I was hoping to restart our discussions immediately after the high holiday season, after taking an initial summer break was motivated by practicing my own advice of limiting the multitasking and late nights, and not feeding the unspoken pressures of needing to “get it all done”. But never in any of our wildest nightmares did we expect to wake up those last days of Sukkot, and find before us the sickening massacre of our people in Israel. And so, a necessary and immediate transition took place. We all mobilized from shock and horror, to rolling up our sleeves and doing as much as we can, in support. And as we continue these daily efforts, we also move from living with acute stress to living with an underlayer of chronic stress. Acute stress is what we experienced in those first days after learning of the horrors. Feelings of nauseating pain, anxiety, irritability, and difficulty concentrating on our tasks at hand. Some coped by avoiding learning of the gruesome details that occurred, while others found themselves emotionally drawn into watching and reading those details. And for the vast majority, there were feelings of disconnect in experiencing positive emotions, and in partaking fully in celebratory events.

Anger is something with which we all grapple, and too often we are told that it prevents us from living a life of happiness. Here is the shiur which I gave over Shavuot broadening and deepening our understanding of anger. Click here for the source sheets.

We’ve been incorporating ideas about Sefirat haOmer into our study of happiness, specifically exploring the topic of mindfulness. Continuing with this theme we’ll talk about mindful relationships.

When we talk about difficult or uncomfortable emotions, we’re talking about feelings like sadness, embarrassment, shame - emotions that trigger us to turn inward. And we’re also talking about emotions like rejection, betrayal, anger – emotions which trigger us to respond outward, towards others. Both categories can induce a reaction which feels like going from 0 to100 in just a few seconds – the difference, is where we direct our response.

A few years ago I decided to take the plunge and I signed up and paid for an 8 week intensive Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course, an MBSR course. We met at a yoga studio in Montclair every Friday morning for about 3 hours, and the time was filled with a mix of psycho-education (learning about what we were doing, and what we hope to gain), meditative practice (practicing what were learning), and self-reflection (talking about all the feelings and reactions each of us was having). And to be totally honest, the first few sessions felt like punishment.

...so let’s spend just a few minutes explaining what mindfulness is, and what it isn’t. Because in the past few decades, mindfulness has gained tremendous popularity as both a formal practice as well as a way of being, of living. And as with anything that gets mass marketed, some products out there are authentic, and some are knock offs. Mindfulness was initially introduced to the Western world and more specifically to the medical community, by Dr. Jon Kabbat-Zinn, a pain medicine physician at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center.

We’re currently working through a fantastic book by Steve Magness entitled: “Do hard Things”, which guides us in cultivating deep, authentic, and long lasting mental and emotional toughness. And for the next couple of weeks, we’re going to deepen some of what we’re learned, by applying it to the Jewish calendar cycle in which we currently find ourselves. As you know, we’re in week two of the 7 week sefirat haomer count. Let’s take a step back and ask a basic question – What’s the purpose of this count? Is it simply a means to an end – to amp up our excitement as we go from Pesach to Shavuot? Or, is there something of value in the count itself…in each individual day, as we mark it.

We spoke last week about the skill, yes it’s a skill, of being able to sit in discomfort. To tolerate hard feelings – feelings like vulnerability and disappointment, frustration and regret, sadness and embarrassment, and many others that fit into this category of emotions that we would much prefer to suppress, deny, or distract ourselves from. And I think that honing this skill is getting harder and harder for each successive generation.

Last week we concluded with the idea that it takes a lot of inner strength to be able to see reality as it is, especially when you don’t like it and wish it were different. Today, we’ll talk about two critical aspects of nurturing that inner strength.

Think about the following question: When facing a daunting challenge – do you think it would be helpful to downplay the difficulty –to tell yourself that the intimidation you feel is just a façade? That in reality there is no way the challenge is going to be as hard as its being portrayed. Could such an outlook help you be more successful?

Last week we were introduced to Steve Magness, a world-renowned expert on performance. Magness has served as an executive coach in a variety of sectors; but he’s best known in his capacity as a consultant on mental health development for professional sports teams. Guided by Steve’s book, we began talking about mental toughness and its essential role in our being able to successfully navigate adversity. Let’s continue that conversation, keeping in mind that our goal is to figure out how we can all develop the skills of mental toughness, thereby increasing our happiness.

One of the popular topics all over the self-help world of books and podcasts, is pinpointing the factors that help people thrive. Looking at what makes some individuals consistently successful athletes? leaders? parents? executives? What do those individuals have, or do differently than the rest of us? And of course, the question we all want answered, is whether the rest of us can nurture those qualities in ourselves.

Join Dr. Shoshana Poupko for a thought-provoking, authentic, honest, and nuanced discussion of Happiness, drawing from Torah sources, recently published books, articles, podcasts, and stories.

Join Dr. Shoshana Poupko for a thought-provoking, authentic, honest, and nuanced discussion of Happiness, drawing from Torah sources, recently published books, articles, podcasts, and stories.