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In 2012 I began my second year in prison. Facing another 7 years behind bars I wrestled with clinical depression as I struggled to maintain contact with my children while working a prison job. My oldest son, meanwhile, joined the Army and headed to boot camp, from where he sent frequent letters to me.

I discuss serious depression and its effects, with complete transparency including my inability to even shower for nearly 6 months. I share the joy of parenting, even in a difficult situation and the importance of family connections. Are you struggling with serious depression? Are you a parent looking for support? You’ll find steps you can begin today to feel connected to your children in every situation.

TRANSCRIPT:

Are you parenting in a difficult situation? Do you need solutions and strength?  

Join me on my journey through prison as I learn being mom despite distance and incarceration. From daily challenges to pride as I follow my son on his own journey through the Army, discover with me the secret to powerful parenting in any circumstance.

Learn steps you can begin today! Listen until the end, you won’t want to miss a word. This is no pie and 6 months no shower.

It was January 2012 and I worked in General Assembly inspecting gaskets at base pay, 50 cents an hour. PIE work, given out on seniority, paid $4-$6 per hour. I set my sights on top pay and planned. I didn’t have long to wait.

One afternoon prison guards entered, strolled through the room and halted at a nearby desk. A co-worker doing PIE work peered up in surprise. I held my breath and waited. I was next in line for PIE work. All that stood in my way were the current employees doing the work. My hopes soared! Could this be the day coming sooner than I expected?

“Stand up,” they told her. My co-worker set down her work, resignation on her face. As she stood a guard clicked handcuffs on her wrists. The room, quiet before was now dead silent. All eyes watched the drama. Work was boring and this was something to talk about.

The guards led my co-worker out of the room and off to seg. Boy was I happy – delighted! I hoped she never came back! Thank God for the police! God, however, was about to teach me a lesson about rejoicing at another’s bad day.

The next day I came to work, eager to start earning top dollar for the first time. I was already spending future paychecks on imaginary canteen. Clenching three boxes of work, my boss left his office and made a path towards my desk. Humming happily I watched him as he dropped the boxes on my desk.

As he arranged the work in front of me, a phone began ringing behind him in his office. “Excuse me,” he mumbled, shuffling off to answer it. I stared at the work on my desk and waited, toes tapping, still shopping in my head.

A few minutes later he returned and began scooping the boxes back up. Confused, I watched as he removed the boxes he’d delivered only minutes ago. Reading my expression he announced, “I’m sorry. Our vendor just called and cancelled the PIE work contract. Please continue your regular work instead.” Lurching back to his office, he stopped to pitch my dreams in the trash by the door.

shocked, my head felt wooden. I could not believe that had just happened. What are the odds of that timing? It felt like a cruel joke.  Next I thought, What are my options? I quickly discovered the other half of General Assembly still earned PIE work.

I immediately requested a transfer. I felt it couldn’t happen fast enough. Transfer granted, I worked to learn this new job so I could do well. It was a weird job and I just wanted to understand expectations of me and how to do well so I could earn the most money possible. Praise was also welcome.

March 19^th, 2012
email subject: we got the box

Email From: Tommy
Message: Hi Mom we got the box you sent us it’s really nice I love love my hat and ring the ring fits perfect and so does the hat I sent you a picture with me wearing the hat. I hope you like it. Vivi thought the ring was hers so good thing I got it first. Vivi loves the purse you sent her and I painted my rocket for camp casey navy blue. I will take a picture of that too and sent it to you. Tim likes his had too. I like the inside and I love you too.
Love Tommy

Struggling with depression, stability remained a challenge for me. Forty hours a week – bankers hours – an impossible task for me to perform consistantly. We were all permitted one day off a month, and I always took it. sometimes, ok usually, I risked an extra day. Due to my attendance record I was never given a raise.

As a result of my skill on the job, I was given the most difficult assignments. As I became a highly skilled technician I was refused PIE work, which required no skills. Here again I became frustrated beyond all measure – I was capable of great skill, and yet too depressed to show up reliably.

April 2^nd 2012

Email subject: camp casey

Email From: Tommy
message: I went to camp casey on Monday I got back Wednesday camp was great….we took a tour of the town a crow tried to poop on the tour guide. All the buildings had false roofs, they still do because they want the old buildings to match the new buildings…Oh and guess what (I would make you guess but I can’t hear you) the docks got so crowded….Then I went to the candy shop. The best of course. I bought so much candy but had 5 dollars left. …I looked in the gift shop..there were swords in there, pirate flags and shirts it was cool….

The previous fall my oldest son Noel, just after his 17^th birthday, had joined the Army Reserves. This summer, the summer before his senior year of high school, he headed to boot camp. Noel began to write me letters soon after his arrival.

Angry with my boss I became outraged and demanded PIE work. My boss refused. I decided to find a new job. I applied for 1 job, 2 jobs, 5 jobs, and waited.

 Noel’s letters, carried with him in his pockets over long marches and difficult exercises, often torn, worn, and sweat stained, started to arrive.

July 2^nd

“Hey mom sorry I haven’t written the first 4 days we weren’t allowed to send mail out because it was reception. I’m writing this during my fireguard shift. I’m pretty happy to be finally able to write to you!…Nothing very eventful has happened here at basic besides, pushups, screaming and classroom time…I think about home. Here you start to miss even dumb stuff like nickelodeon and oreos, even just sleeping more than 5-7 hours, but I still do my best to push on…the food here is pretty good too but we usually have like 1 minute to eat it. Well my fireguard shift is over, so I have to wake up the next fireguards. I love you and miss you so much! I’m going to see you the first day I get back!”

July 4th, 2012

 “Hi mom! How’s it going? I’m writing this during my 1^st personal time. Today is the 4th of July and god bless America! We haven’t done anything today! We’ve even got to eat everything on our tray! It’s been great! …I’ve also been really homesick today, though, but I think that’s because we’ve had so much time to think about home….I hope to get a letter from you soon. It sucks, as I’m sure you know, to see everyone getting letters and you don’t get aNY. …I love you so much! I miss you! Please write often! Love you! Xoxoxo”

Waiting for a new job, feeling denied a transfer, my anger began spiraling out of control. Spitefully Demanding a job change, I applied to the kitchen, rumored the worst job and always available. I was about to spiral into the depths of depression, again. Transfer was finally granted.

July 5TH 2012

“Hey Mom how are you? Today it’s been a good day mostly, I’ll be spending the night in the woods tomorrow!….could you save my letters? I want to reread them later on, thanks! I love you and hope you have a great day!”

July 6^th

“Hey mom how are you! …we had to name our m16a2’s today I named mine after you. …I don’t remember if I put this in the last letter, but I’ve learned to shave with a razor! It’s fun to think that soon after I graduate [bootcamp] I will be able to have a contact visit with you by myself! I can’t wait for that day!… I’m excited to get my first letter from you, hopefully that will be soon!…I will write you tomorrow, I love and miss you sooo much!”

Working in the kitchen, I had never been so poor in all my life. I began my job in the kitchen $15 in debt for a package I’d mailed to the kids. I received no pay at all for more than a month, then began receiving a $3 paycheck every 2 weeks. Desperate,  I began to steal.

July 7^th

“Hey mom! How’s your day been? Mine has been full of achievement! We completed one of our far foot marches around 2 miles with 15 pounds of gear all the way to the gas chamber dun dun dunnnn. The gas chamber sucked!!!”

July 8^th

“Hey mom how’s your day? Mind has been pretty good! …Tuesday we have a combat lifesaver test then Thursday we have our 2-2-2, 2 minutes of push-ups, 2 minutes of sit-ups, and a 2 mile run and I