Discover extra content in the blog post Surprised by Joy!!

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This is the episode you’ve been waiting for – and you won’t be disappointed! It was October 2015 and my life was about to take a dramatic turn. Soon my life would be filled with wonder, excitement and peace! Life didn’t get easier, in fact my circumstances would become even more dire. I was about to discover the “peace that passes all understanding.” I would never be the same, and thank God for that!

Do you wonder what true transformation looks and feels like? Do you want it for yourself? Listen today, you’ll be glad you did!

TRANSCRIPT

Are your beliefs facing a storm of doubt? Do you fear that your connection with Jesus might be slipping away?

In the fall of 2015, my oldest son began to deconstruct his faith, ultimately becoming an atheist. Challenged by his doubts, I began a quest to fix things. Join me as I explore the role of doubt and how it can lead to deeper understanding. Discover with me the secret to transformation through Scripture.

Are you ready for a genuine connection with Jesus today? Listen until the end,  you don’t want to miss a word! This is Surprised by Joy.

I think of this as the beginning. I was asleep, maybe dead all my life, before 2016. I was 40 years old.

“Mom, I’m not sure I believe in God anymore,” my oldest son Noel explained on the phone. It was October 2015, and Noel had just turned 21.

Trying to remain calm I asked, “Why do you say that?” Noel had gone to a Christian school, living with my parents after I went to prison. They had taken him to church every Sunday.

“I’m not certain He exists,” Noel answered. “I’m not an atheist. I guess I just don’t know,” he finished.

Are you uncertain about God? Are you looking for answers?

The call left me tense; I considered solutions. I also went to a Christian school, was taken to church every Sunday. I wanted to fix this.

Recently I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. I am the INTJ classification type, placing an emphasis on logic and fact rather than emotion, with a strong desire for competence and knowledge. The church I was raised in was intellectually stimulating, with biblical archeologists, theology professors, and interesting guest speakers. I felt confidence in this knowledge and was eager to learn.

When I was very young, about 4 years old, my mother tells me she explained salvation to me. She shared that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and that He had risen from the dead. Jesus is alive today. She showed me John 3:16 and Romans 10:9-10.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

⁹ “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ¹⁰ For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” Romans 10:9-10

She asked me if I believed. She prayed with me. I do not remember any of this. But she wrote the date in my Bible. At age 6 or 7 I was baptized at our church. This I do remember, a little. I remember having stage fright. Standing next to the pastor, staring out at the church, I was asked questions. Too terrified to respond I did nothing, said nothing. That’s what I remember. I was baptized regardless. This made me a member of the church.

As I grew up and became a teenager, I would hear the message of salvation many times. Though told I’d been saved, with that note in a Bible, I didn’t feel saved. So I’d pray again sincerely! I did this more than once. Nothing seemed different. Why? Was I already saved? Or wasn’t it working? I didn’t know.

Once, when I was in my twenties cleaning the house, a thought struck me, “Does God really exist?” It was so unexpected. My mind returned to a day when I was 17 years old.

“Hey! Let’s ride dirt bikes! We have some in the shed,” Mike pointed over my shoulder. I glanced at his dad’s cabin, considering. Without waiting for an answer he hiked up the drive. Tossing open the doors he rolled out 2 motor bikes.

The first roared to life easily. The second bike was lifeless. Mike’s brow creased in thought. He headed back into the shed for tools. I sat to watch. Thirty minutes passed without success. Mike is a determined person, but after an hour he was ready to call it quits. “I guess we can both ride together,” he said. “It won’t be the same, but it will still be fun.”

“Wait,” I said. We’d been friends a couple years. I’d often invited Mike to church. Mike enjoyed the people but he didn’t believe in God. “Before you put the bike away, how about I pray it starts, then you try it one more time?” I asked.

“What? I’ve been working on the bike for an hour,” he dismissed. “You want to pray, and you think the bike will just… start!” Mike laughed.

“Yes, exactly that,” I answered.

“Okay, fine. Go ahead,” Mike leaned back, ready for another good laugh. He waited.

I closed my eyes and prayed, “God, please make this dirt bike start now. Thank you.” I knew God could do this; He could do anything He liked. I did not know if He wanted to do it; I did not know if He would. I opened my eyes. Mike was watching me. I pointed to the bike and said, “Try it now.”

Mike leaned forward again to start it. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! The bike ROARED to life. We both stepped back in shock.

Squeezing my eyes I had returned to my living room, my cleaning, my twenty something self. I shook away the thought that God doesn’t exist. Staring at my living room, I wondered why I doubted. I also wished for more in life. I was lonely, depressed, lost.

Now years later here I was, 40 years old and in prison, my son struggling with the same issue. Then I had an idea! I was enrolled in college classes, my current assignment to write a persuasive essay. This was it! I would prove God existed.

I ran into a problem. I thought to describe God, His character and attributes. I considered all I’d heard about Him. I wrote that down in a list. “Great!” I thought. “Good start.” Next I tried to find this in the Bible so I could use it.

I opened the Bible at random, scanned the page. Nothing obvious jumped out. I flipped the page, nothing. I sat back and flipped through the entire book, stopping here and there for a quick read. This was not going to work.

I thought more. My paper was due in a couple weeks. I’m a fast reader, but saw it was impossible to read the Bible that fast. “And,” I asked myself, “why would I want to? I’m only interested in a few things such as God’s character. I don’t need to know everything!”

“Mom, can you help me?” I posed the next afternoon. “I have an English paper to write, and I’d like it to be about God.” I explained the trouble I was having. I shared the list I’d made. She agreed to help, and found references for me.

Satisfied, I wrote my paper, coldly logical and analytical. Perhaps I knew about God. I did not know Him personally, though. I was confused by this distinction. A few years prior, my mom had sent me a book by A. W. Tozer called Knowing God, which brings together two key facets of the Christian faith—knowing about God and knowing God through a close relationship with Jesus Christ. The book confused me so much I didn’t finish it at the time.

I now felt unsettled by my obvious lack of expertise on the subject of God. I’d believed I was knowledgeable, and this experience had left me with doubts. Friday afternoon I finished my paper, sat back and scanned my room. Sunlight flooded in, and I lifted my eyes to my bookshelf. My Bible, unread, sat where I’d left it.

Thoughtfully I considered again. I’d heard of Bible reading plans. I didn’t have to read it quickly. Pulling it from the shelf I decided to try, determined to become knowledgeable for real.

Less than a week later I was defeated. I had to admit I preferred reading fiction. My plan had been to read the Bible daily, and I’d failed immediately. After a week I didn’t want to continue. It was boring and I didn’t understand it. I had better things to read.

I returned the Bible to my bookshelf with a sigh, pushing the spine with my finger. I felt guilty, yet relieved. I prayed, “God, if You want me to read it, You’ll have to make me want to. I don’t like it.” With that, I left the room and forgot all about it.

Months passed. Christmas arrived and with it special treats. A mission donated paper grocery bags filled with goodies and Bible studies to the prison. After Christmas dinner I excitedly made my way to the cafeteria door, watching women receive their gift and looking forward to enjoying mine. Every year we received some small thing but this was the biggest gift bag we’d ever seen!

Practically running back to my room I imagined all the good things that must be inside, cookies, candies, snack