In my last episode, we began a conversation with Dr. Sharr Chardas all about self-love and self-acceptance. (You can find CNM Episode 46: Self-Acceptance – The Problem here.) But since we ended up talking for a full hour, we decided to break the conversation into two sessions.

So, in today’s episode we’re picking up where we left off. We had been talking all about why some of us tend to end up chasing pain when we really just want love, and then we started to shift into what it looks like to do something about it.

So, here’s the rest of the interview…

Interview with Dr. Sharr Chardas – Part 2

Question: This is the million dollar question, how do we go from A to B and how long does it take? I’m sure that the answer just varies for everybody. But I mean, really, let’s say somebody has an invalidating upbringing – manipulation, control abuse, maybe there’s addiction in the home, they’ve really been scarred, and they’re chasing after the pain instead of real ‘love.’ Let’s say they become aware of this and they want to start doing something about it. What are some of the things you have them do, and how long does it take to start actually feeling and seeing results from that?

I know this is an in-depth question that I’m asking you here, but what does the whole landscape of going from A to B look like? What kind of effort does it take? How hard is it? How long should someone realistically expect before they’re ready to open themselves up to healthy relationships for the long-term?

Sharr: Well, long complicated question, very, very simple answer to that.

How long do you want it to take? Are you willing to work at this process?

It really depends on the individual. There is no right, there is no wrong.

Some people come into my office that one would think it will take years for them given their background and what they’re dealing with. Realistically, within a dramatically short amount of time, they begin to realize, to see the change, and to begin to live it. There are others that come in that are very resistant to themselves, then afford the therapy, and therefore change. There is no time limit.

It would be beautiful – and I guarantee you, I would love this – to be able to say, ‘It will take you six months or it will take you a year or two.’ It really depends on the individual. How much do you want this? How hard are you willing to work at just liking yourself? Let alone trusting and loving yourself? Let’s start there.

I give my clients assignments outside of positive affirmations, journaling, and keeping a dream journal. Being self-aware is the keynote here. Again, if you’d say to a person, ‘Oh, six months,’ remember we’re dealing with self-sabotaging people here that are passive aggressive. ‘Okay, Doc says it’s six months, so for six months, I won’t do anything, just to prove him wrong. I’m going to control!’ No. It’s really up to the individual. How long do you want it to take? That’s really up to you. Here’s the answer – one second longer than you want it to. There’s your answer and that is an honest and straight forward answer.

Brian: Okay. Fair answer. We want the truth.

Question: Let’s say somebody says, ‘Yes, I am ready to do this. Let’s go,’ you mentioned that there are some assignments that you give people on this journey. I specifically think I heard journaling and affirmations, what all types of things have you found that are effective for people on this journey?

Sharr: We’ll add a little bit to the last question in answering this question.

One of the things that is amazing about therapy – and I can only speak for my own practice – is individuals are coming to my office and they’ll say…

“Doc, I’ve been coming here a year now and I’m just wondering how much longer I should keep coming?”

 I go, “Wait a minute. First of all, you haven’t been coming here a year.”

“Oh, yeah. I have, I’ve been coming since xyz date…”

Don’t quote me on this but there’s 8,866 some hours in a year… I go, “Yeah. Take out your calculator if you want, and multiply those hours by your age.  You say you’ve been coming here for a year, have you noticed that you (have been improving)…”

“Well of course, Doc, that’s why I keep coming. This is great. I’m seeing a fantastic change.”

“Here’s the caveat it hasn’t been a year. We have fifty-two weeks in the year. The average number of attendance for therapy – because of holidays; birthdays, Lord knows what else, is about thirty-seven hours a year. You have seen change in less time than the average blue-collar worker sees in a forty-hour week. Think about that. Now compare that to the reinforcements of thousands upon thousands of hours. You’re doing incredibly well.”

“Well, how did we reach that goal?”

“First of all, you were here every week. You listen, you were open with me, your therapist. Also, I’ve made you recordings,”

(One of the things I do is utilize hypnosis which is a wonderful tool for accelerating this process. I will actually record for individuals, what I like to call a ‘confidence tape’, and people absolutely love it.

I’ve been making these for decades, and till this day, I have some people that live on the other side of the world, but they will still come back and ask for another one because theirs is worn out now.)

Hypnosis really accelerates the process of change. With hypnosis, like high meditation, we literally bypass all of that imprintation and all of the clothing that we put on. We kind of strip ourselves naked and we see, ‘Wait a minute, I’m not the horrible green-troll monster I made myself out to be.’ That confidence rises up within us just like the sun rises at dawn, getting higher, brighter every second of everyday that we live. They love listening to that recording. It’s like a fifteen to twenty minute recording. They can listen to it as often as they can stomach my voice, that’s what I tell them.

If they walk in, I say, “Hey, have you been listening to the recording that I made you?”

They may say, “You know, Doc, yeah, I just have enough time. I think I listened to it once or twice this week.”

I immediately sit back and say, “This is going to take you some time, isn’t it? You’re not really dedicating yourself here, are you? But that’s okay. It’s your choice. This is your life, not mine. If you’d listen on that tape every day or at least two times a day, we could accelerate the process.”

The other thing that goal oriented people want to accelerate the process (the ones that don’t, God bless them, that’s their choice) is positive affirmations. There is a series of affirmations that I suggest to people that they write. It takes twenty-one times to create a habit and it takes twenty-one times to break a habit. That isn’t necessarily true but we’re talking in macroscopic terms here for the sake of the broadcast.

One of the things I have individuals do is take twenty-one pieces of paper. Each day, they are to take one of those pages and write on it, ‘I am worthy’ or ‘I am confident.’ The worthy or the confident is determined not only by myself but by my patient. If they continue and do that every single day for twenty-one days, twenty-one times per day, they’re going to literally reprogram their brain.

It’s no surprise to discover that when they walk in and I say, “Did you do your twenty-one things for twenty-one days?”

They say, “No, Doc. I missed the first couple of days, and then skipped a couple more, etc.”

They don’t have success because they (the days) have to be done back-to-back.” You can’t have a day or two days off, or a week off and then pick it up again, no. It’s like, ‘Gee, I want to go to the gym and look like the Incredible Hulk. I think I’ll go to the gym and workout every other week.’ You ain’t going to do anything. Don’t even bother. If you’re not in that gym five days a week, pumping iron, you ain’t going anywhere.

It’s like dieting on occasion. That’s really going to be, ‘Oh, help me. Once in a while (I eat right), the rest of the time it’s McDonald’s, then…’ No, there has to be consistency.

The other thing that I ask them to do is at the end of the day – and to me this is one of the most important along with the dream journaling – to sit down and pick up your journal book. (You have three different books, one is for your affirmations, but this is for your journal.)

Now, when you come in the session, I don’t want to hear from your journal whether or not you went to the grocery store or picked up your laundry. At the end of the day, stop, and begin to review the day. What occurrence made you feel how?’ In other words, ‘It’s really interesting. I went to the grocery store today and for some reason, the woman at the checkout didn’t really say too much or do too much. But when I walked away from that store, I felt like crap, I felt miserable,’ or ‘It was really odd. I was sitting there in Starbucks and a woman walked up to me and just said, ‘Thank you,’ or whatever and I feel great.’ What occurred at that market? What did that woman say or do? What does she reminds you of that made you walk out of that store feeling like that