Hey everybody, welcome back to the show!

We’re in the middle of a mini-series with Beverly Buncher, author of the book BALM: The Loving Path to Family Recovery, and in this episode we’re going deep into strategies and tactics for dealing and communicating with a loved one who may be difficult to deal with.

As a reminder, even though we reference ‘substance use’ several times in this episode, the strategies and tactics we’re discussing can still apply if your loved one doesn’t have a substance use problem. They can apply if your loved one is mentally ill, has a personality disorder, is manipulative in some way, or is just plain difficult for you to deal with for whatever reason.

I’d also like to remind you that if you like what you hear, and you want to learn more about communicating better with a loved one, in addition to her book, Beveraly has a comprehensive program to learn exactly how to do what she’s talking about today, her organization also offers coaching for the entire family, and she trains coaches with specialty in family recovery.

If you want to learn more about any of those things, just pick up your phone or computer and type readytobalm.com, put in your contact info, and I’ll have Beverly’s team contact you as soon as they can.

Alright, let’s have a listen to my next discussion with Beverly Buncher.

Interview with Beverly Buncher on Practical Communication Strategies

Brian: Hey, Beverly. Welcome back to the show. It’s so nice to have you back.

Beverly: Thank you so much, Brian. It’s great to be here.

Brian: In this episode we really unpack some of the strategies and practical tips that you’ve written about, that you’ve been teaching people.

We’re actually in the middle of a mini-series with Beverly Buncher who wrote a great book called BALM: The Loving Path to Family Recovery. BALM stands for Be A Loving Mirror.

Today, we want to expand on the previous episode. (You may want to go back and listen to that if you haven’t had a chance yet.) It’s a great introduction to Beverly and her story. We’re going to unpack some strategies from the book.

Let’s get into the first question.

Like you noted in the book, Beverly, getting clean is really just the first step to long-term sobriety in the case of a substance user. But it’s what happens in the weeks, months, years, and the decades following treatment that has a major impact on long-term recovery. Relapse is possible.

Question: The question is, at each stage of recovery, what are some of the most foundational things that we can do to help our loved one stay on a path of recovery?

Beverly: That’s such a fabulous question, Brian. It’s really on the minds of so many people when they have a loved one struggling with use disorder. We hear so often from families, ‘I don’t know what to say. I have no idea how to talk to him/her.’ They come into the BALM after having done nothing but criticize and experience bitterness, sometimes for years. They don’t know how to relate but it doesn’t mean they don’t love their loved one. It’s just that they’ve been so traumatized by what’s happened and so impacted by the attitude of stigma and more rebuke in terms of someone who’s different that they’re at a loss.

The BALM kind of flies in the face of a lot of the research about what happens to families afterwards. What we are seeing is that whereas the research says that a lot of times someone will get sober and then the family should expect some sort of at least emotional separation for good long while – and sometimes, the family doesn’t get back together, the separation grows and grows, and grows and everybody goes off in their own direction – we say and we see that it doesn’t have to happen that way. But when family members go into themselves, really work on an inner recovery, develop peaceful attitudes, loving and non-judgmental ways to connect with their loved one – that they learned through the BALM program – oftentimes, families continue to connect even in early recovery.

The key is for the family to stay connected to their own BALM recovery as the years go on because if the loved one experiences treatment, then leaves everything behind and just says, ‘I’m fine now,’ chances are they will have their struggles. Some or many of them will relapse. The family can relapse too when they don’t use their practices to help them stay peaceful and have loving conversations.

Brian: There’s a tendency for people to think, ‘Well, I just need this to learn how to set boundaries,’ (and boundaries are definitely useful) but there’s also a confusion sometimes I think with boundaries and what’s called ‘tough love.’I think people misconstrue those.

Question: Can you help us understand what the real difference is between tough love versus boundaries?

Beverly: I go into this in great depths in the book. But in a nutshell, ‘tough love’ is setting ‘boundaries’for the person’s own good; ‘I’m going to not talk to you until you get sober because you need to get sober, and you won’t get sober unless I stop talking to you.’ We call that unhealthy boundary setting.

When you punish a person for having a brain disorder, that’s just not how we roll in the BALM. We don’t punish people for their problems. Boundaries are something that we tell people not to set until they’re determined to stick to those boundaries.

We really abide by the approach that Melody Beattie talked about years ago which is, “Boundaries are the things that we set for ourselves.” They’re kind of the guard rails to protect ourselves; ‘If my loved one is stealing from me, I may not be able to let him in my house alone or I may choose not to allow him in my house depending on the situation. But it’s not because of him, it’s because of me. I don’t want to be robbed. I want to feel safe in my home.’

Now when a BALMer sets a boundary – and remember, this is on the basis of having studied the principles, studied the steps, practiced mindfulness, learned loving communication, and having a loving tone – they also think about, ‘What is the possibility for my loved one getting help?’ Here’s the boundary – ‘I’m taking care of myself and this means that it won’t work for you to be living here because you’ve been stealing from me. I’m not willing to lock everything up anymore.’ I’m giving this as an example, I’m not recommending it by any stretch.

There are so many things we can do before kicking someone out, so to speak. And I don’t like the term ‘kicking someone out’, before asking someone to leave. But let’s say that’s our only alternative. If we get to that point – and you can get to it rather quickly when it’s the opioid epidemic which really turns people into people we don’t know rather quickly – we always want to offer an alternative, meaning, ‘It’s not possible for you to be here anymore because it isn’t safe for me. I’m willing to help you find treatment. I have someone here to talk to you, to help you find a place to live,’ so we don’t abandon or throw out the person as if they’re worthless.

We set our boundaries to protect ourselves and we offer alternatives to the other person so that they’re not left without options. They may or may not take us up on those things. Again, we’re talking right now about an isolated circumstance that for a BALMer may come at the end of a very long process. When I say long, it might only be a few months but they’ve done a lot up until that point. Often we see that because of the BALMing that you’ve done, your family member is more likely to consider getting help as an early alternative rather than just walking away.

Brian: Yeah, that’s really a best case scenario. I think what a lot of us are after here is, ‘What can I do to help motivate that person?’(Not necessarily being tied to the result but…) ‘What can I do for myself that could motivate this person to want to take action, to feel motivated to take action? Because I can show them love, I can stop pestering them, and show them that there’s something beyond the drugs (or whatever behavior it is) that they can look forward to.’ That’s what’s so magical about what you teach, I think.

Beverly: But I do want to say something about that, if I may.

Brian: Sure, yeah.

Beverly: There are these two aspects; we practice BALM to get our lives back so that we can have a life again. At the same time, we learn these techniques so that we can give our loved one a greater chance of getting their lives back. When that’s out of balance in terms of, ‘Well I’m doing this just to make them sober,’ it doesn’t tend to work as well because we’re not authentic in our work. Does that make sense?

Brian: Yeah.

Beverly: It’s really about us. In the beginning, it feels like it’s mostly about them and we’re doing stuff for ourselves to help them. People get it pretty quickly when they see themselves starting to be more at peace and be happier. I just want to make that point.

Brian: No, it’s a great, great clarification, absolutely.

Question: Moving on to the famil