In today’s episode, we’re continuing our mini-series with Dr. John Van Epp and Dr. Morgan Cutlip. We’ll be talking about how to help ensure you’re with a suitable partner if you’re already in a serious relationship and you’re thinking about making a life-long commitment.

We’ll be talking about sex, commitment vs. entrapment, cohabitation, conflict styles, the institution of marriage, skills you should make sure your partner has before committing for life, and more.

If you’re single and looking, or if you’re in an early dating relationship and you haven’t heard the last episode yet, you might want to check out episode 54 where these same guests talked all about a model for how to approach a new relationship to minimize your chances of getting in too deep with someone who’s not right for you.

Online Courses by Dr. Van Epp and Dr. Cutlip

And by the way, Dr. John and Dr. Morgan have worked with countless individuals as well as the military, matchmakers, churches and various other institutions all across the world, teaching their work. And since they can’t be everywhere at once talking about this, they put together detailed online courses based on how to apply The Relationship Attachment Model in each of stage of a romantic relationship.

• Head Meets Heart (a course for singles to equip you with all that you need to know to be able to follow your heart without losing your mind)


• Rock Solid Marriage Ready (a course for engaged couples that will equip you with everything you need to know to have a happy and lasting marriage)


• Rock Solid Marriage (a course for married couples that gives you a practical plan for a happy, healthy, and lasting marriage)


• Please note: the links above are affiliate links, which means I’ve partnered with Dr. Van Epp and Dr. Cutlip to receive a small commission when anyone purchases one of their courses through my links. There are many courses, resources, and materials out there on relationships and codependency, but I only promote as an affiliate the resources I find particularly valuable and useful (and I like to be up front about that

Now, here’s the interview!

Interview with Dr. John Van Epp and Dr. Morgan Cutlip On Marriage Readiness

Brian: Hey, Dr. Morgan and Dr. John. Welcome back to the show. We’re so glad to have you back.

Dr. Morgan: Great to be here.

Dr. John: Yeah, we’re so happy to be here and thank you for bringing us back.

Brian: It is my pleasure. This time we’re talking about a related subject from last time. Last time we discussed taking the appropriate steps you can take (when you’re single or in a new relationship) to help make sure you end up with a partner that’s good for you. Now we’re looking at getting closer to the real commitment side here. We’re talking about engagement; knowing if and when you’re ready to commit to someone for life potentially. Let’s start the conversation.

Question: I just want to ask you the biggest most obvious question here. How do you know when it’s time to commit?

Dr. John: That’s a big question.

Dr. Morgan: That’s a really big question.

Dr. John: That’s kind of unfair, isn’t it? (laughs)

Dr. Morgan: Yeah. I think there’s a lot of individual variation that comes with that question, a lot of things to consider – where you are in your life, what your values are, and a lot of individual preference when it comes to that question. But one thing that keeps coming to mind for me is – has the relationship existed long enough for you to see patterns in your partner? Have you been together long enough to see how they react to conflict? Can they make changes when it benefits you and the relationship, and really give time for this relationship to unfold and for you to see all parts and sides of this person?

Dr. John: I would say the Three T’s are important. They’re about how to get to know somebody. You practice these Three T’s; talk, togetherness(in different situations or in a variety of situations), and time. I would kind of bring that to this area of commitment and say, ‘Have you had enough time? Have you been together in enough settings to where you see how the person acts not only in different situations but also in different moods and emotions so you know the patterns? Have you talked through a significant number of things?’ If you have that, I think then the bottom line is, ‘Are happy with what you have?’ because the likelihood that it’s going to change a lot is not very high.

It sounds terrible to say, but usually if it’s going to change, it’s in ways you don’t want it to change. You think, ‘Uh, I don’t like that. That was kind of hidden and it wasn’t there when we were dating.’ A lot of times, the bad surfaces, but the good, if anything, goes away.

So you want to say, ‘Look, do I have enough confidence in this person?’ Commitment ought to follow confidence in what I know; how reliable they are, how I trust them, how they’ve formed a consistent pattern. Do I have enough confidence in the Three T’s to really take the step of saying, ‘I’m making a commitment now to go for a life with this person? This is going to be my life partner.’

Questions: A couple of follow-up questions. You both mentioned time. Is there a guideline about time? Is there a minimum amount of time you should never consider committing before x-amount of months, years, or days?

Dr. Morgan: There are exceptions to every rule but when you look at research, the golden amount of time is about a year and a half of dating. That seems to have the lowest divorce rates.

Dr. John: I think that goes along with the fact that in the first year you can only get to know a person so well because there are calendar events that repeat in the second year. If you just think of that alone like a birthday, a Valentine’s Day, or holidays – this is not the sum total of a relationship but these things only repeat once and so you’re really not quite sure about a pattern until you start getting into the second year. As Morgan said, I would say as a rule of thumb, the minimum is to go for one and half years to two years before you make that step of commitment to engage.

Now with that being said, I’ll put the example of the exception. Years ago when I first wrote How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, (this is at the end of the nineties and I was doing a conference), I actually was at a location where my father and stepmother lived. I went down, stayed with them, and then my dad drove me over to where the conference was and he said, “You know, I’ve never heard you present this material. I’d love to come into your workshop and hear.”

First of all, I was going to talk about getting to know a family background and used my own family upbringing which included some stories about my father so I had to delete those stories immediately (laughs) because I had to ride home with my dad. After my mother died, my dad met my stepmother and literally within three months not only became engaged but married her. I called that in my program the ninety-day probation period for just getting to know somebody, not getting engaged and certainly not getting married.

When I got done with my presentation, I asked if there are any questions. Of course, one hand in the room went up, my father’s. So I ignored it as fast as I could at any questions anywhere looking around the room, not making eye contact, he’s now waving his hand. He stands up when I call him and then he says, “I’m John’s father.” I’m like, ‘Thank you for announcing that to the world.’ (laughs) He says, “I really appreciate what John has put together. I like this material but I just want you to know that when I met my wife now after John’s mother passed away, we got married within that ninety-day probation period and we’ve been married eighteen years. Everything’s going great, so sometimes in life there’s an exception.”

I agree. Maybe you out there, you’re the exception so more power to you. But just be aware that if it’s an exception, it means that the vast majority do not work out. It worked out for my father but it was kind of a drag for me to end my workshop with romanticizing the exception which is what we usually do, we romanticize the exception. I think commitment needs to be done with the heart and the head working together after a significant amount of time.

Brian: Yup. Well, first of all, thanks dad. And second of all, if I can offer this and see how this strikes you, like you said and as your dad mentioned, there can be exceptions. This doesn’t mean that if you commit sooner that it’s destined to fail, certainly, but it seems like what you’re saying is, ‘Hey, if you want to give it a fair trial, give it the most chance for success, and really just do the diligence, then this is what we’re recommending to do. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to wor