In this episode I interview a podcast listener who wanted to share her personal story of recovery – and what a story it is!

Throughout this interview, you’ll learn how Mary stayed the course even though it was extremely difficult at times.

She specifically shares several strategies and tactics you can put to use right away, so thank you Mary!

Interview with Mary on Her Story of Codependency Recovery

Brian: Hey, Mary. Welcome to the show. We’re so glad to have you here.

Mary: Hi, Brian. It is great to be here. Thank you so much for having me on.

Brian: My pleasure. We’re talking about your personal story today. You had reached out to me in response to a note that I sent to a lot of the folks on my list.

Question: What was it that made you decide you wanted to connect and ultimately share your story?

Mary: I think that one of the main things about people who do struggle with codependency is being able to relate to other people’s stories, see something that they might be struggling with, or possibly even recognize things that they have done that are good and positive in another person’s story. I really wanted to share mine as a positive anecdote for those who may be struggling and dealing with some of those similar things because communication is key.

Brian: Yeah. Thanks for saying that. That’s why I like to have these stories because they’re motivating and inspirational for people who are maybe in the middle of it or at the beginning of their journey just to hear someone who’s really done some heavy lifting and can talk about it. Thank you for coming on the show. Why don’t we start by setting the stage here?

Question: Can you tell us what life was like for you up to that point where you realized, ‘Hey, maybe I need some help with this?’

Mary: Basically with my story – as with many other stories for people who do experience codependency – mine came to be in my childhood. I had a very classic codependent upbringing; there was the ‘power figure’ and the ‘enabler’ dynamic with my parents. In this case my mom was the enabler and my dad was very narcissistic. My mother had a tragic upbringing, so she had suffered from codependency prior to having me. I grew up in that environment and I had become more and more aware that things just weren’t adding up and weren’t quite right.

I actually decided to move across the country with my husband, my roommate at age twenty. We did a little ‘manifest destiny’ and travelled four or five thousand miles. I was in this new environment and things were great. I didn’t have those toxic influences that I dealt with previously.

After that initial rush had ended (of not needing to be in that dangerous situation anymore), I realized that I was almost panicking because things were so normalized. Thankfully, my husband and my roommate weren’t from these abusive households. But for me, I really fell into a free fall of, ‘What do I do? Why are they not reacting the same way?’and I started exhibiting some of those negative behaviors myself that really came to the forefront.

Question: What kind of things did you find yourself doing?

Mary: My husband and I had been together for three or four years at the time; we weren’t yet married. But I was getting increasingly needy. I had no idea how I felt about things, I would increasingly be looking to him about how I should feel about things, about what I should be doing. I had massive amounts of mistrust coming up for no reason. Eventually, I had been more or less thinking, “Oh, I’m not going to do this, I’m not going to do this.” But he was very, very patient with me and he let me figure it out myself.

Questions: This upbringing that you describe with your parents which was a little bit of a tumultuous environment – how exactly did this affect you in your adult life? You’ve given a couple of examples here but let’s elaborate. Do you think it has had any impact on your relationship with your husband too?

Mary: Oh, definitely. Essentially from a formative age, we model the behavior around us whether it was contrast or not, I was essentially modeling both my mom and my dad because there was no narcissist in the family. My husband was very loving and helpful. I had a lot of turmoil after moving out where I could start to see my mom (not as that hero figure anymore, but that she was in a lot of pain).

It took me quite some time to realize that I was leading up to being in that same pain and doing a lot of self-sabotaging because of those learned behaviors from childhood. After I left, since I was no longer being manipulated, that became the voice in my head. My voice became the voice of the abuser which obviously does not translate well into any sort of close relationship, especially not one that otherwise would be very healthy and happy. There’s a ton of negativity that really starts to build up there.

Question: Because oftentimes, people with the kind of upbringing that you had end up in a series of relationships; maybe is one or maybe it’s just relationship after relationship where they’re not treated well  because they’re usually seeking out similar circumstances. But why do you suppose that wasn’t the case for you? Why do you believe you found a healthy husband?

Mary: Right. A lot of it also had to do with the fact that we already had a lot of trust and background together. We were best friends growing up through high school. That kind of trust can be so hard to give, but it had already planted its seed there. I think that, generally, what really helped was removing myself from that situation that had already bred so much toxicity that me, remaining in it, would only spread that to myself.

Gaining that situational distance really made it so I was able to focus things, put things in perspective, view things much clearer and really see that suffering that my mom was going through, and see from an outsider’s point of view what a codependent relationship can do and how it can harm. I think receiving those messages early on set the stage. And I think that as people, we tend to either go towards what we know or rebel against it, and a lot of it takes quite a bit of self-reflection.

My husband has allowed that with me – go figure, he’s a psychology major – he wasn’t enabling me and he was very straightforward with his expectations. Through that, through my roommate, and holding myself accountable, I was able to make these micro strides that put me on the path to recovery.

Brian: Yeah. Let’s talk more about your husband. You’ve talked about distancing yourself from the toxic relationships and you also happen to have an already established, very healthy relationship.

Questions: How important has it been for you, in your opinion, to have such a strong support along this journey? Do you think that you would be where you are now without it?

Mary: No, not at all. Interestingly enough, with codependency, it’s firmly based on that reliance on another person, that prizing them above yourself. But I do believe that one of the biggest helps for me was having up-close connection with a person that was notcodependent. That was such a hard thing for me to strive for but I think that’s going to be paramount in anyone’s recovery; having someone by you who has those healthy boundaries who’s willing to help you.

Counselors are great for this. Then there’s also a friend, someone removed from the situation, someone that you trust enough to at least put their opinion into consideration. It could even be an online presence. I think it’s really important when working with codependency to notice what other people bring out in you, and what traits you’re exhibiting when you’re around them. I have found some really wonderful people whom I exhibit those traits around that I always knew were present in me, and I’m very happy around them. That puts me very much in touch with my own feelings and working towards creating a plan of progress for myself.

Brian: That’s great.

Questions: You mentioned some great examples of types of relationships that people could establish. Since you already had a husband that was supportive, you really had quite an unusual situation. A lot of times, when folks are coming to this realization, they’re oftentimes in a toxic romantic relationship already.

In your opinion, how important is it that they remove themselves from that relationship? Should they look for another romantic relationship with a healthy partner or should they avoid romantic relationships for a little while until they can heal and then attempt to get into another relationship? How should they navigate that, in your opinion?

Mary: I think that I was in a very interesting situation where I was only seventeen. At that age, most of us aren’t thinking, ‘Oh, this is the person I’m going to marry,’ but I had stumbled into this relationship with someone who was very caring and was very kind. For me, a large part of wanting to work on myself was I knew how good of a person he was. I knew how much he cared, and he really exhibited those wonderful qualities. I didn’t want that to fall by the wayside. But for those who are in a toxic environment right now, I think that recognizing that is one of the absolute best and first steps that you can take. It can be very difficult to be set up boundaries.

I view it like you’re building a sand castle. But if the tide’