In today's episode, we discuss:

1. Get out of the muck with a plan. I use a formula that I call 15-30-90-18.
2. Confidence is not a trait; it's a skill. We get out of difficult situations by having the confidence that we can. Confidence is triggered by taking a step, then another, then another. Progress creates confidence. Just. Take. One. Step.
3. Look for happiness in the simple things of everyday life while dealing with the challenges of divorce, single motherhood, dealing with the comparison trap.

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Confidence is a Skill, Not a Trait

TRANSCRIPT:

Rhonda: Welcome to this episode of Divorce Conversations for Women. I'm your host, Rhonda Noordyk. There is one common thread facing every woman that is going through or contemplating divorce. You don't know what you don't know, right. So I want to make sure that we are asking the tough questions to get you the answers that you need. In today's episode, we are going to dive into the topic of confidence. This episode is sponsored by the Women's Financial Wellness Center online course. Be sure to check out our website under the events tab. I'm joined today by my friend Aleta Norris. She is not only the co-founder of Living as a Leader, but she's also the founder of a new women's community called Women Who Spark to learn more about Aleta. We have linked her website and LinkedIn bio in the show notes, so be sure to check those out. So, Aleta, I want to thank you for joining us today.

Aleta: Well thanks for having me, Rhonda.

Rhonda: So I want to start by saying and essentially asking a question. So for the women that are listening that are facing a divorce, certainly confidence is a big part of the journey. So what is one thing that you would want them to know about confidence?

Aleta: Well, so first of all, you're right, Rhonda. Confidence is a really significant element in a divorce experience. And I've scarcely met a woman, myself included, who has navigated divorce, who hasn't taken a hit to her confidence. And it's a good time to remind women that confidence is not something that you either have or don't have. It's not a trait. Confidence is, in fact, a skill and it's something that we can develop over time. We can build strength in our confidence just as we can build strength in our body by waking up every day and moving our body and exercising our body.

Aleta: Confidence is very similar. If we wake up every day and we take some kind of step or some kind of action and then the next day we take another step and the next day we take another step. What we'll find is that progress that we're making will help us begin to either strengthen or regain some of the confidence that we're certainly predictably going to lose when we go through a life experience as traumatic as a divorce.

Rhonda: Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. Well, and I think there are so many great opportunities for us in our lives where we can look back and say, "Oh my gosh, wow, how did I get to this point?" Right.

Aleta: Right.

Rhonda: It isn't something that happens overnight. And I remember a couple of years ago I ran across a formula that was talking about confidence and it said, "Knowledge + Experience = Confidence. Knowledge plus experience equals confidence." And to your point it's like, Hey, you know what? There is certainly the knowledge piece or the theory behind certain things and then there's actually putting it into practice. And the confidence is certainly no different, especially for women that either hasn't gone through a divorce before or this divorce that they're facing is different than any of the previous ones. It's certainly important.

Rhonda: So one of the things that you and I have talked about is just your own journey in going through this process. And I just think of you as a very confident person and to your point, it's not something we wake up and say, "Hey, I'm confident." It's a learned skill. And so thinking back to your situation and your divorce experience, share with us a little bit about what role confidence played in that for you?

Aleta: Well, so first of all, it's really interesting, Rhonda, what you said is that you've always viewed me as a confident person, and we've known each other in the business community for a very long time. And one of the things that I'm becoming more and more aware of is just how many confident-looking women we interact with on a regular basis who are in fact are struggling with their confidence. And we struggle with confidence in a variety of ways. One might be that simply, innately who we are as a person, we're more of a timid, tentative woman than others might be. Right. And then some of us, our confidence takes a hit when we experience something like divorce and I know a lot of women as well. And, and I think this probably pertains to all of us where we have confidence in some areas of our life, every single day.

Rhonda: Mm-hmm

Aleta: In other areas of our lives where we struggle with confidence because to your point, maybe we don't have as much knowledge in that particular area or as much experience. When I went through my two divorces, not just one. I've gone through two divorces, both of them very unfortunate and certainly not ever expected. What became really evident to me is that while I remained confident as a businesswoman, I really struggled with confidence as a woman, as a mother, as head of my household. And it's very easy to get caught up in kind of a rabbit hole of negativity or insecurity where we wake up every day and suddenly everybody all around us is a happy, intact family.

Aleta: And it took me a long time to work my way to a place of confidence as a family, you know, as the leader of my family, where I was able to step away from some of the comparison trap and I was able to step away from every day waking up, feeling disappointed in myself. And afraid of the future. And certainly financial fear was a really big part of my lack of confidence. So that confidence in one part of my life and my business co-existed every day with my kind of flailing confidence on the personal side of my life. And fortunately, it didn't last forever, but wow. That divorce season that is really a tough one to get through.

Rhonda: Mm-hmm. Well, I like what you mentioned because I think a lot of times we like to lump it together to say, well, I'm not confident in this area. So, therefore, I'm not confident. But that's not necessarily true. As you experienced man, you're over on the business side confident. Why? Because you know, you've got the experience, you're in your wheelhouse, you've got people that believe in. And then you're on this uncharted territory where you're feeling unsettled and whatever. Right? And so if you're listening to the podcast on confidence, I want to give you permission to say, first of all, it's normal to have things that are going to challenge your confidence along the way, number one. Number two, it doesn't mean that you're not a confident person. It just may mean that for the season you have some challenges.

Rhonda: And also, let's draw on the strength of those areas where we say, "Hey, I'm confident in this area. Man, are there things that I'm doing in my business, personal, professional life, whatever it is that I can draw on to pull into these other areas." Because I mean, as you mentioned, confidence is a skill, right? So it doesn't mean that we have to leave those skills at the door. Just because now we walked through the door at home. Right?

Aleta: Right. Oh yeah, absolutely.

Rhonda: Yeah. So I think that's really powerful and the confidence piece being, a skilled trade I think is super important. I think the other component of that, which really ties nicely into the community and the tribe that you're building, which is women who spark. It's okay, well where can you surround yourself with people that are going to believe in you that are going to be positive, that are going to love on you in the midst of a really challenging time and making those choices to be around the people that can help you.

Aleta: Right? Absolutely. And every day at least one or two women in the Women Who Spark Facebook community and if anybody's interested, Women Who Spark Tribe is a Facebook community where women can come and join together to be mutually supportive, encouraging, positive, inspiring, and on almost a daily basis someone in the community says, "I feel so much better since I've been a part of this community." Because every day when somebody is vulnerable enough to share in one of their comments, or even in a unique post. To share that they're st