In this episode, your host, Loraine Marshall, covers the subject of post-separation abuse, drawing on her own experiences over the last five years. Loraine structures the episode by asking and answering seven questions, exposing what this form of abuse looks like, who is most at risk, and its profound impact on a survivor's life.

5 Best Moments

1. Loraine contrasts a typical breakup with post-separation abuse. Most couples can negotiate terms through discussion or mediation, but post-separation abuse occurs when a dominant, high-conflict personality is determined to use litigation and control from the outset, offering their ex-partner no say in the matter. It's their way or no way at all.

2. Loraine shares how she only realised her own relationship had been abusive at its end. The most shocking point was when her lawyer advised her to file a complaint of gender violence with the police, a moment that was a "massive shock" and highlighted the hidden nature of coercive control.

3. Loraine offers a transformative perspective on the psychological aftermath of abuse. She argues that post-traumatic stress (PTS) from emotional, psychological, and financial abuse should not be seen as a "disorder". Instead, it should be classified as a "personal injury"—a natural response to trauma, just as a broken bone is an injury from physical violence.

4. The manipulative tactic abusers use is known as DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Loraine explains how abusers deny any wrongdoing and attack the real victim, twisting the narrative so completely that the victim is portrayed as the abuser. She shares that she was personally caught up in this type of situation.

5. How the legal system can re-traumatise survivors. Loraine highlights how some solicitors advise women not to mention the abuse in family court proceedings, leaving them unable to speak about what happened. This, combined with a lack of understanding of high-conflict personalities by judges and legal professionals, can lead to prolonged litigation abuse that traps women for five to ten years.

5 Key Takeaways

1. The period after a breakup can be the most dangerous time for a victim of a controlling relationship. The abuser's need for control can heighten when they feel they are losing their "possession," leading to escalated aggression, threats, and intimidation.

2. The legal disparity between married and unmarried couples. In the UK and across much of Europe, cohabiting partners are not covered by family laws for financial settlements unless they have a prior written agreement. This leaves the economically weaker party, often the woman, with little legal recourse.

3. Post-separation abuse is not a single act but a pattern of behaviour. It can include intimidation through texts and emails, stalking (both in-person and online), threats of litigation, and financial coercion through derisory settlement ultimatums with no room for negotiation.

4. The chronic stress from post-separation abuse has severe consequences for a survivor's well-being. It can lead to psychological impacts like loss of self, PTSD, and anxiety, as well as physical manifestations such as a weakened immune system and heart or stomach issues.

5. Survivors are often stuck in "survival mode" and cannot begin to rebuild their lives until all litigation is over. The constant stress erodes self-confidence and affects memory, making it incredibly difficult to find employment, manage finances, or even perform daily tasks like getting out of bed.

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