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Key Highlights

• Two contrasting leadership stories: One showing how a senior admiral responded with grace when David made a career-threatening mistake with VHS tapes during a high-stakes presentation, and another where David's own reactive response to a difficult colleague cost him $50,000 in bonus and a promotion opportunity
• Moving beyond conventional wisdom: Traditional advice like "count to 10" treats symptoms rather than root causes - the best leaders develop consistent behaviors that create natural space between triggers and responses
• The power of inquiry over immediate answers: Develop the habit of asking 1-3 questions before responding, using phrases like "Tell me more about that" or "Say more about why you're feeling that way" to create thinking space
• Throwing problems back strategically: When someone brings you an emotionally charged issue, ask them for more context about how and why they feel that way - this gives you time to reflect while helping them process their emotions
• Judicious shows of emotion can be motivational: Sometimes a look or controlled display of frustration can be effective feedback, but only when built on a foundation of clear expectations and strong relationships

Notable Quotes

• "Leadership is what you do. It's how people react to you that's most important. Everybody else that engages with us is grading our papers based on our engagement."
• "Our goal isn't really to eliminate our emotional reactions because we are first human beings. What we want to do is develop consistent behaviors that create a space between the trigger and the response."
• "What we're not trying to do is automatically equal an answer in the immediate. What we're trying to do is become an excellent problem solver."
• "You owe them a response, not necessarily an answer to their question. Think about the difference in the frame with those two."
• "If you respond smartly, you can diffuse or derail a negative situation versus reacting immediately and viscerally and creating a kerfuffle."

Resources Mentioned

• Field Note: "Learn to Respond Instead of React"