In this episode of The Autism Mums Podcast, Victoria and Natalie share how they navigated their dad’s 80th birthday, which included family gatherings that came with lots of excitement, and its fair share of sensory challenges.

If family events sometimes leave you feeling anxious or wondering if it’s even worth the effort, this episode is for you.

Key Takeaways

How preparing in advance can ease anxiety - Visual supports like calendars, photos of the venue and explaining the schedule ahead of time helped both children feel more secure.

How respecting your child’s boundaries leads to better outcomes - Giving our children space and letting them decide if and when they’re ready made a big difference in their ability to cope.

How food doesn’t have to be the focus of the gathering - When meals are difficult, removing pressure and creating positive experiences around connection and play can still make the outing worthwhile.

How tech, sensory tools, and safe items can be lifelines - From ear defenders to iPads, bringing the right tools can help children stay regulated in unfamiliar or overwhelming settings.

How staying calm as a parent is so important - Holding your emotional ground can help avoid escalation and builds trust with your child.

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Transcript

[00:00:00 ] Hello and welcome to

the Autism Mums podcast. I'm Victoria. And I'm Natalie. We are two sisters

raising autistic children who know the joy, the challenges, and the everyday

moments. This is a supportive space for honest conversations, practical tips,

shared strength and expert advice. Whether you are celebrating a win, surviving

a meltdown, or just trying to make it through the day, we are right here with

you.

Join us as we share the ups, the downs, and everything in

between parenting autistic children.

Victoria Bennion:

This week we wanted to talk about something that so many of us find really

tricky, but often don't talk a lot about, and that's family gatherings.

 Last month was quite a

busy one for us. It was our dad's 80th birthday, and that meant a couple of big

family meals, which is lovely in theory, but if you have autistic children,

these events come with a whole lot more to consider. So in this episode,

Natalie and I are [00:01:00 ] sharing how we

approached these gatherings, what we did to prepare.

Our children, the moments that didn't go to plan and some of

the wins.

We know that autism is a spectrum and every child's needs and

reactions vary hugely, and of course, every family's journey looks different as

well, so take what's useful for you and leave the rest. Our hope is that by

sharing our stories, you'll feel a little more supported and maybe pick up a

few ideas to try.

So Nat, can you talk about how you prepared for the meals?

Natalie Tealdi: With

my son, I made sure he was aware so. A couple of weeks beforehand mentioned,

you know, it's Grandpa P's big birthday, and we're gonna be going out for two

meals. One is at a pub, which was near to where we live, so he is quite

familiar with that setting.

And then the other one was at a place that we, he has never

been to And it's a, a bit of a posh restaurant, isn't it?

Victoria Bennion:

Yeah, it's An old

manor

house.

Natalie Tealdi:

There's dressing up involved. [00:02:00 ] It's

just got a very different feel. So I showed him pictures of the place so he

could see what it was like, and I talked him through what it would be like

inside.

So first we'd have drinks in the lounge area, then we go into

another room to have our meal. And I showed him pictures of the gardens and you

know, we can have a look around the garden. So if if you need time to go

outside, you can do that. So that's really how I prepared him for it. What did

you do?

Victoria Bennion:

We've been before at Christmas with just a smaller group, so I didn't do a

whole lot to prepare. My child has a calendar, he's now 11, so that's. for him

as a visual aide. He finds the calendar helpful. What he wants to know is how

long we're going to be there, how long it's going to take to get there.

The biggest stress for him. Was always going to be the food.

It's always the food. We'd pre-ordered the food. They're very flexible. Very, [00:03:00 ] very good. So There's an adult menu, which

I think when our mom and dad used to take us when we were young, we just

ordered off the adult menu.

I don't think was thought of, you know, to ask for anything

else. Not that we had difficulties in that area, but for my son, that's. I see

it as the experience. So I've long ago accepted that no food may be eaten if we

go to these places, but I see it as, helping their granddad celebrate his

birthday.

Let's make it an enjoyable experience in all the other ways and

take the stress off the food. So We pre-ordered the food, we pre-ordered

chicken nuggets and chips that can be hit to miss. Thinking about it. I

probably should have just pre-ordered chips, but we chicken nuggets and chips.

So He knew that. So he knew how long it was gonna take to get there, how long

we were going to be there, what he was going to eat we talked about who was

going to be there, so it was a bigger gathering than what used [00:04:00 ] to. When we go, When we've been before,

it's just been, , me, my husband, the two children, and mom and dad.

So only been six. So This time you were there with your family,

and then dad's friend and his wife were also there, so that doubled in size. So

I'd underestimated the impact of that that that would have on my son. . Not

that there's a lot that could be done about that, but he knew how many people

were going to be there.

And then I suppose in terms of what we take, he has his red

bag, which we have all his essentials. Um, Often I'll take a sticker book, but

he's 11, so it's a little bit borderline. But he he had his iPad. That's what

he needs to be able to tolerate those situations.

We have always in, in the bag, We always take the earbuds But

we have headphones that he can plug into his phone if he wants to listen to

music, if he needs to quiet it down that way. We have different things that he

can smell if there's [00:05:00 ] overpowering

smells, 'cause that will be another barrier when we go places sometimes if

there's strong food smells.

So That was what we did preparation wise. So How did your

preparation go?

Natalie Tealdi: It

was good until it came to actually leaving, leaving the house. I had ordered a

new T-shirt for him to wear and I tried really hard to choose soft fabric, a

style that I know he likes. so I chose a polo shirt, which is what he wears to

school, and he likes wearing those to school. So I thought that would be quite

easy switch from the norm. And he wore it fine, but he wanted

to wear his army joggers with the nice T-shirt. And I said, you know, needs to

be a bit smarter than that. , Let's wear some shorts. 'cause it was a warm day,

you know, and we had got some nice, smart shorts. No, don't wanna wear those.

Okay. So that was the first battle was the clothes

Then you could tell he was anxious. 'cause he [00:06:00 ] started asking me, , how long are we gonna

be there for? Who's gonna be there? All stuff that we'd been through. But now

it was on the cusp of going, he's obviously feeling more anxious, so we just

carried on and got his sister in the car and then suddenly he just freaks out

and takes all the clothes off and runs up to his room and refuses to go. So we

had quite some time where we weren't sure if we were gonna be able to go at

all.

Victoria Bennion:

Yeah. 'cause you called us in the car, didn't you? We were also late, but for

different reasons because we realized our tire was a bit flat when we went to

leave. You said, might not be coming. So we talked through, what could be the

options and maybe just taking the pressure off completely and saying, okay,

that's fine.

If you don't feel able to cope, you could stay at home with dad

and mom and your sister will just go, is, it's fine.

Natalie Tealdi: yeah.

That is basically what we did. So We just took all pressure off, gave him time

to calm down and [00:07:00 ] just gently try and

coax him, you know? do you think you could. Put your t-shirt on and come with

us. It got to the point where I was gonna be leav