TPJ Bonus Episode: Interview with Tosha Schore
In this special bonus episode of the Parenting Junkie Show, I interview Tosha Schore, whose mission is to create a more peaceful world one sweet boy at a time. Tosha helps parents who have young boys who are struggling with aggression issues, helping change their behavior without using punishment or harshness.
This episode will be helpful even if you don’t have boys. You no doubt have boys in your life in some way (nephews, friends of your kids, etc.) and you’ll learn about what we need to change regarding the way we treat boys in our culture.
[3:46 ] We have an opportunity to bring more peace to the world by changing how we parent/treat boys.
[11:12 ] Men often tamp down their boy's feelings to help them avoid the shame they experienced as a child.
[13:08 ] The way to “fix it” is not by shaming parents or the boys.
[15:32 ] Parents get scared; men don’t want their boys to be shamed like they were, and women are often triggered by past trauma.
[16:03 ] First we have to heal ourselves and work on our own triggers.
[17:18 ] We often believe a fallacy that if they behave “properly,” then they get our love and affection. We need to flip that around.
[22:23 ] Move in close and try to be playful about it.
[23:39 ] It's not about teaching them what’s ok and what’s not...they know.
[27:46 ] Kids often will say or do things that are contrary to what they really want or need.
[30:34 ] Your body/physical touch is a parenting tool.
[31:55 ] Setting limits is extremely important for the well-being of you and your family.
[33:52 ] Limits will shine a light on the area(s) your kid's struggle with.
[37:17 ] Limits can (and should) be set with love.
[38:25 ] We often subconsciously expect kids to love the limits we set...but they won’t. You have to get comfortable with the fact that they won’t like it.
[40:33 ] Why do we do things that don’t work over and over, expecting them to suddenly start working?
[42:53 ] Being playful and silly is a great way to diffuse tense situations.
[43:28 ] Once a child feels seen and connected, he wants to cooperate.
[44:57 ] If you're uncomfortable with aggressive play, step outside your comfort zone and experiment with allowing it.
[51:56 ] What about aggressive video games?
[53:09 ] Do what’s best for you and your family (even if “all their friends” play a certain game and you feel uncomfortable with it).
[55:04 ] Be interested in what your kids are interested in and learn about the games they’re playing.
[55:28 ] Tech should stay in a family space (i.e. not in a bedroom).
[56:01 ] If something interferes with their wellbeing, you may need to set limits around that activity. And experiment with limits and adjust as necessary.
[58:50 ] Behavior doesn't equal identity.
If we consistently step toward our boys when they act up and focus on building connection, we’ll start to see the aggressive behaviors “peel off” (like layers of an onion). Remember, your sweet boy is in there regardless of current behavior
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Links & Resources Mentioned:
- Tosha’s book Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges
- Tosha’s website
- Tosha’s Facebook Page
- Tosha’s course “Out With Aggression”