Soul Kink Therapy

I recently trained with another dominatrix, and she said something that completely blew my mind. A dominant is in devotion to their own pleasure, and being in their own pleasure is how they serve their submissive.So what if you're a man who's spent his entire life trying to serve everyone else, and has no idea what his own pleasure is?This is the third episode in my series on people pleasing nice guys. In the first one we talked about covert contracts, where people pleasing comes from, and what it looks like to start recovering. In the second, we talked about why consciously owning your desire to surrender is so important. Today I'm telling you why I'm such a huge advocate for exploring your dominance, and how it can be a gorgeous training ground for finding your own spine.We get into the difference between being dominant and being domineering, why control feels like a burden when nobody's grateful, and the big question: what do you need in return for all the giving you do? I give you trailheads for finding your inner dom, the three ways your people pleaser sneaks into your dominance, why doms need aftercare too, and a very funny story about my partner's first lessons.✦ MEET YOUR INNER DOM (ONLINE COURSE)The most affordable and easiest place to start. I go through everything we talked about today in depth, including the Wheel of Consent, plus exercises you can do on your own and with your partner. Go at your own pace.→ https://www.soulkink.com/meet-your-inner-dom-online-course/📖 Mentioned in this episodeBetty Martin's Wheel of Consent (my video) → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsAWZhOeJuo⏱ CHAPTERS00:00 A dominant is in devotion to their own pleasure01:06 Part 3: why I'm an advocate for exploring your dominance02:00 This is not about performing02:26 You're never really playing a part03:19 Full access to your toolkit03:59 Finding your spine: a body exercise06:37 What a dom actually is07:04 Dominant vs. domineering07:58 Terrified of being dominant?09:07 When you're in control all day10:18 The Wheel of Consent10:55 What do you need in return?11:40 Why exploring your dom is so healing12:28 For nice guys still finding their spine13:21 If you want to serve, love yourself13:48 Feedback from your partner14:25 The dominant is actually serving14:57 Leading like a partner dance15:28 Consent culture vs. attuned culture16:13 Your pleasure is the blueprint16:36 The service dom17:55 Trailheads to your inner dom18:16 Trailhead 1: the winning walk20:19 The inspection exercise22:16 What if your partner is the dominant one?23:33 Trailhead 2: borrow your road rage24:52 When guilt shows up26:43 Set a timer27:42 Stay away from real wounds29:12 You will mess up30:03 Safe words, from the dom side31:40 Safe words are theirs, attunement is yours32:17 Your pleaser comes along for the ride33:12 My partner's first lessons34:53 People pleasing in a costume35:30 Collapsing after feedback36:57 How to give and receive feedback38:40 The shape of a scene40:23 Doms need aftercare too41:13 Work with me43:24 Coming up: my partner's story44:02 Try this week

I asked a client if he wanted to do a scene with me. He immediately said yes, and then his whole body clenched up. I asked again, are you sure, are you really really sure? Yes, let's do it. Everything about him was screaming no, and I still went ahead with it. Spoiler alert, it sucked.Because if I can't trust your no, I can't trust your yes.In the last episode I told you I hate people pleasing nice guys, and that most of my clients happen to be people pleasing nice guys who I absolutely adore. Today we're building on that. I want to talk about why I see people pleasing so much in men who long to surrender, and why healing those wounds is crucial if you want to fully release into the healthy, euphoric bliss of it.We get into why serving feels so good, the three phases I move through when a pleaser comes to work with me, and why I want every pleaser to explore taking charge. I walk you through what a healthy experience looks like and what a frenzied one looks like, then tell you the whole story of the client who finally looked me in the eye and said no. Plus a third practice that might make your skin crawl, and Thomas, who found his spine in Hebrew.✦ BOOK AN INITIATION SESSIONI'm currently taking clients. If you're excited to work with me in person but you don't live in Boulder, I offer full-day and multi-day intensives for out-of-town clients.→ https://www.soulkink.com/services/✦ BE A GUEST ON SOUL KINK THERAPYKinky and curious? Apply to be a guest and get a free therapeutic session with me, a $300 value. Experts whose work touches the therapeutic side of kink, and partners trying to understand their partner's kinks, are welcome too. I only want guests who are a full-body yes.→ https://www.soulkink.com/podcast📖 Mentioned in this episodeExistential Kink by Carolyn ElliottPart 1: Episode 35 → [E35 LINK]Hear Thomas tell it himself: "Coming Out Kinky: Finding Freedom After Divorce" → [THOMAS EPISODE LINK]⏱ CHAPTERS00:00 He said yes. His body said no.01:13 Part 2: people pleasing and surrender02:12 Two different journeys03:36 Why serving feels so good04:45 "I can prove men aren't bad"05:34 Where kink comes from06:18 When you share your desire and get the ick07:27 The three phases of the work08:52 Why every pleaser should explore taking charge11:02 What a healthy experience looks like12:21 "Whatever you want, I want" isn't negotiation12:52 Selfish is your medicine13:20 The feelings chart14:25 Safe words: yellow isn't failure15:39 Feeding off each other16:08 Learning to receive care16:36 The frenzied people pleaser17:17 Mark's story20:20 What happened to me afterwards21:14 "I can't trust you"22:47 His first no23:51 When you say no, I feel closer to you24:15 Existential Kink: the juice in martyrdom25:10 Kink purifies your pleasing25:40 Don't make kink a better target for your pleasing26:00 Practices 1 and 2: pause, then shape your yes26:45 Practice 3: five minutes of no28:50 Thomas's story31:08 The plot twist32:10 "Do it in Hebrew"34:10 All of your parts are welcome34:59 Work with me: sessions and intensives35:49 Be a guest on the show#PeoplePleasing #NiceGuySyndrome #Boundaries

I hate people pleasing nice guys. And most of my clients are people pleasing nice guys, and I deeply love them. So what's the difference between the nice guy who makes me want to scream and the one I'll do anything to help?In this episode I tell you about the man who stopped me at an event, looked deep into my eyes and told me "you are so worthy," and why everything in me wanted to run. We get into what Robert Glover calls covert contracts: the deals you make without saying them out loud. I'll be helpful, I'll never cause trouble, and in return you'll love me and meet my needs. Nobody signed your contract. So nobody pays up, and you end up resentful and lonely.I also get honest about why people pleasers activate me so much (it's my mom), where this pattern comes from, and what recovery actually looks like. Two things you can try this week, plus the gold medal answer every people pleaser needs to learn.If any of my questions made your stomach drop, I'm probably talking to you.✦ BOOK AN INITIATION SESSIONIf you're tired of losing yourself and you're ready to meet your pattern, come work with me. I see people virtually and in person.→ https://www.soulkink.com/services/✦ BE A GUEST ON SOUL KINK THERAPYKinky and curious? A practitioner in this world? A partner trying to understand your partner's kink? I want to hear from you. Only full, grounded yeses.→ https://www.soulkink.com/podcast📖 Mentioned in this episodeNo More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover (2003)⏱ CHAPTERS00:00 I hate people pleasing nice guys00:45 Choice vs. fear: same behavior, different engine01:30 People pleasing vs. the nice guy02:31 Are you a people pleaser? Notice your body04:07 The man who told me "you are so worthy"07:14 Covert contracts (No More Mr. Nice Guy)08:45 You're taking away other people's agency10:16 It hurts you more than anyone11:28 Why people pleasing is so lonely12:13 We don't see a wound, we see a gentleman13:14 Why people pleasers activate me14:35 My mom is a people pleaser17:21 Where the pattern comes from18:08 You were a genius surviving your childhood18:52 What recovery actually looks like20:05 You made a mistake. You are not the mistake.20:57 How to apologize without collapsing22:20 Happy wife, happy life23:22 Try this week #1: pause before you say yes25:03 Try this week #2: shape your yes26:07 The gold medal answer27:47 Why my client list is full of nice guys30:41 Where to start32:35 Next episode: people pleasing and submissive men33:06 Be a guest on the show

Am I addicted to crossdressing? To porn? To latex? To kink?If you’ve ever purged the clothes, the toys, the panties — swore you were done — then bought it all back weeks later… this episode is about that cycle.This is not a yes-or-no diagnosis. Emily Letts gives you a framework you can actually use:Anything can be associative or dissociative.The same behavior can pull you deeper into your life — or help you leave it.In Part 1 of this two-part episode, Emily talks about:• The binge-purge cycle around dressing, porn, and kink• Why “is this bad?” is the wrong question• How attachment and isolation sit underneath “addiction”• Her dad’s story as a 25-year police officer who came home and numbed out• The question: is there one person, not your spouse, who fully knows you?• Why kink often becomes the trailhead when therapy never felt safe• A resource list vs a dissociative list you can make today• Why shame is what keeps the purge going• Why crossdressing is not inherently the problem — your relationship to it isWork with Emily:https://www.soulkink.com/Framework inspired by teacher Katie Asmus (somatic / nature-based therapy).This episode is educational, not clinical diagnosis or medical advice.TIMESTAMPS0:00 – Am I addicted? The purge1:45 – Welcome to Soul Kink Therapy2:07 – Associative vs dissociative3:00 – Same behavior, different relationship4:26 – Into your life, or out of it?4:43 – A family lineage of addiction5:36 – Dad’s story: 25 years as a cop7:05 – The man no one fully knows7:46 – Is there one person (not your spouse) who knows you?8:27 – Numbing, TV, and first-responder silence9:24 – What this costs your family10:15 – Why kink becomes the trailhead11:03 – You are a full person11:37 – Not personality. Nervous system.12:49 – Addiction and attachment13:03 – Attachment theory and co-regulation17:02 – Secure vs insecure attachment18:00 – Why some men can only rest alone22:27 – “I’m not going to live a numbed-out life”23:34 – Getting “addicted” to self-inquiry24:21 – If you dress to escape… from what?25:00 – Life isn’t something you’re meant to run from26:43 – Everyone is addicted to something26:56 – Emily’s social media case study28:50 – Stop asking “am I an addict?”29:58 – Make a resource list34:15 – How to use the list when you want to escape35:12 – Make a dissociative list37:34 – Crossdressing is not inherently bad38:39 – It may be giving you nutrients you need39:40 – Be gentle with yourself40:35 – What’s coming in Part 241:15 – If this is overwhelming, get support41:43 – Initiation call + close#Crossdressing #BingePurge #Kink Website:https://www.soulkink.com/

Picture it: you're dressed, you feel amazing, you scheduled this — and the second you walk into the room, your body slams shut. Stomach swirling, chest tight, a voice screaming "I don't want to do this."If you've ever deeply wanted intimacy and then frozen the moment it arrived, this episode is for you.Emily gets radically honest about her own version of this — as a sexuality educator who, just six months ago, shut down completely walking into a scheduled intimacy session with her partner. No acute trauma to explain it. Just a war between parts. This episode is the map she wishes she'd had.Using Internal Family Systems (parts work), Emily breaks down why "I want it but my body says no" happens — and the exact process for working through it.In this episode:▸ A quick, non-clinical intro to parts work: protectors, exiles, and the calm Self underneath▸ Meet Cruella — the protector built by "the modern woman" archetype (via her teacher Om Rupani), who loved being sexy for status but shut down real vulnerability▸ Meet nymph and Sid — the arousal parts that were waiting underneath once Cruella softened▸ Why external consent without internal consent leads to the shutdown▸ Patricia Rich's Self-Led Sexuality and the "F" sequence: Find, Focus, Flesh out, Feel toward, Befriend, Fears▸ Why kinky, crossdressing, and non-monogamous folks have MORE internal negotiation to do — and why that's not a flaw▸ Your crossdressing part isn't a contradiction to fix — it needs recognition, not correction▸ A closing thank-you to the protector that kept her safe all alongThis is the work Emily is known for. If it lands, it can change your relationship with your own arousal.🌀 With gratitude to Om Rupani (the "modern woman" archetype) and Patricia Rich (Self-Led Sexuality), whose frameworks shape this episode. Internal Family Systems was developed by Richard Schwartz.Chapters:0:00 – "My body shut down": the contradiction2:41 – Welcome to Soul Kink Therapy3:09 – Parts work 101: protectors, exiles, and the Self6:49 – Back to the ceremony room: desire meets shutdown8:28 – The part that changed everything8:51 – "The modern woman": sexy as a weapon for status10:08 – Meet Cruella, the protector12:50 – Meet nymph: the arousal underneath14:03 – Meet Sid: the giggly sadist15:21 – A framework you can use yourself16:12 – Consent culture and its blind spot18:14 – External consent vs internal consent18:45 – The F sequence: Find, Focus, Flesh out, Feel toward, Befriend, Fears24:25 – Why our sexual relationship is so strong now25:22 – For kinksters, crossdressers, and the non-monogamous28:39 – Where to get support29:34 – A thank-you to CruellaTopics in this episode:• Desire discrepancy and sexual shutdown• Internal Family Systems (parts work) for sexuality• Self-Led Sexuality (Patricia Rich)• The "modern woman" archetype (Om Rupani)• Internal consent vs external consent• Crossdressing and kink as parts, not problems• How to work with sexual anxiety and freeze#sextherapy #partswork #internalfamilysystemsWebsite:https://www.soulkink.com