Lauren opens the episode by setting the context for today’s discussion as part 2 in a 4-part mini series with today’s topic being “developing” couples. Listeners should visit jasonandlaurenvallotton.com to take the free marriage assessment to get a real-time look at the state of your relationship. Understanding the three possible categories is essential to chart a pathway forward for growth in your marriage.

Segment 1: Recognizing the Need for Growth

Jason describes the subtle signs that signal a marriage needs development. These signs might manifest as a feeling that the marriage should be better, or they might surface after a significant event that reveals the need for work to achieve a healthy relationship.

Key points discussed include:

• "Good Enough" Syndrome: Couples might feel they are “good enough” but still experience loneliness in certain areas, avoiding painful topics while focusing on what works well.
• Dissatisfaction: A feeling of dissatisfaction without clarity on whether it’s valid or how to address it.
• Partial Understanding: Feeling only partially known by your partner, recognizing areas in the marriage that lack strength, particularly in communication and conflict resolution.
• Recurring Disagreements: Persistent disagreements that never seem to find true resolution, often leading to fear of expressing true thoughts or feelings.

Segment 2: Contributors to a Developing Marriage

Jason dives into the factors that contribute to a marriage being in a developing stage, emphasizing the lack of intentional growth.

Key factors include:

• Outdated Skills: Many couples continue using communication, connection, and conflict resolution skills that they developed in high school, which are no longer sufficient.
• Pressure of Life: The added responsibilities of kids and full-time work put immense pressure on marriage, necessitating growth in both capacity and competency.
• Outdated Operating Systems: Jason likens it to using an old operating system under new pressures, which leads to feeling overwhelmed and quickly bankrupt in key areas of the relationship.
• Accumulation of Unresolved Issues: Over time, unresolved conflicts build up, creating ongoing pain, and couples have less grace for old, painful habits. The attitude of “that’s just who I am” can become a barrier to growth.

Segment 3: Moving Toward Connection and Growth

Jason outlines the steps necessary for couples to transition from a developing stage to a more connected and fulfilling marriage. He shares insights, observing that many couples experience a great awakening, often after a failure, which leads to a determination to rebuild their marriage.

Steps to move forward include:

• Identifying Pain Points: Couples must be willing to focus on what they are contributing to the issues, taking ownership of their actions.
• Setting Clear Targets: A clear and consistent plan is essential. Couples should agree on targets and work together to achieve them.
• Relying on Guidance: Counseling, courses, or other structured programs can be invaluable. Jason emphasizes the importance of trusting someone else’s plan rather than trying to navigate the challenges alone. Making an investment in professional guidance can be a game-changer.

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