Committed relationships do take work because it is a partnership of the conscious mind, driven toward success at a couple reaching individual and coupled goals.

However, early dating is nowhere near the step of committed partnership, but rather a curious exploration of the field of potential dates and mates. In this regard it needs to be in the spirit of fun and the creativity of the unconscious (instincts.)

One doesn’t have to be highly intelligent to be “fun,” and highly intelligent people, while perhaps great at strategy in getting to their goals. But even they must be able to put themselves in a spirit of fun and entertainment, as when one is enjoying the concept of a leisurely “game.”

This activity has inherent in it, the fun, excitement, creativity and curiosity of a “game,” an unserious but exciting experience for budding couples.

TRANSCRIPT

SPEAKER 2

Early dating is not serious.

It's fun and flirty only.

SPEAKER 3

We have been dancing around this since we started.

This is the whole point of the Girls' Night Out, right?

SPEAKER 4

Yes, absolutely.

Let us give you permission to go out and have fun and be flirty.

It is great.

SPEAKER 2

Do women have this same problem, do you think, as men do?

A lot of times we get into this career mindset where in Western education

The harder we work, the more rewards we get.

If we just work harder, we'll get more, right?

And then you take it into the area of love, and it's like, whoa, I'm working so hard at this relationship, or I'm working so hard to be attractive.

And then you find people say, why don't you relax?

You're trying too hard.

SPEAKER 3

And there is, you know, there's pressure, you know, especially when you become an adult, to be serious, you know, to be a serious, responsible adult, and that flirting is for kids, you know, and we need to take ourselves out of that mindset a little bit, because that's how all great relationships are going to start.

SPEAKER 1

Dr. Paul, you said it great one time in one of your blogs when you called it curiosity, and I think when you go on this girl's night out, find someone to chat with and be curious about the person, and see where that goes.

SPEAKER 2

Yeah, you know, there's nothing that can be done about uncurious people.

I mean, if a man is not a curious man about what makes women tick or about behavior or, you know, what is love, it's not going to go very well.

I mean, and I think being a curious person has something to do with intelligence, too.

You know, a lot of people just are not so curious because they're just not so bright.

SPEAKER 4

Well, nobody in the world knows everything, so why on earth wouldn't you be open-minded to learn something new?

SPEAKER 3

Yeah.

SPEAKER 4

I mean, even like with, you know, a man in a restaurant or bar is wearing like a sports shirt or a different kind of tie or something, just say something as easy as possible.

So tell me about that.

Did you go to Mizzou or whatever?

SPEAKER 3

At the other end of the spectrum, though, a lot of people who are intelligent and well-educated take themselves too seriously and can't flirt.

Because they're on the other end of the spectrum, they think they know everything already and they don't need to learn anything new or any new skills.

I can't count the number of times I've met really smart women who just aren't fun.

You know, they're not fun.

And I like smart women.

And you just wish they would, like you said, loosen up a little bit.

Let their hair down a little bit.

SPEAKER 2

Some a little, an example a little on the spiritual side but I think it applies here and I think both men and women do this to each other where they try to get the other gender to be serious at this stage of courtship which needs to be just fun and flirty.

The example comes from a group of, you know, a religious group that I was responsible for counseling

and they would do a lot of kind of pulling out the my daddy is bigger than your daddy kind of manipulative move meaning you know I know God better than you so you better do what I say kind of a thing and I think men and women do this to each other too where they say for example women might say listen what do you do with your life you just party and have fun and date women

What is that?

What about having children or getting married someday and growing up?

A lot of people say, you know, Peter Pan, Peter Pan, Peter Pan, right?

But to the man's mind, depending, you know, where you live, where we're talking about, whether it's a big city versus rural, whether it's conservative versus more of a liberal population, to the man's mind, it's like, what are you talking about?

I can do whatever I feel like doing, which he can.

Right.

Whatever makes him feel happy and the same goes for you.

You can do whatever makes you feel happy as far as your lifestyle.

So I think this mindset is a very important one to have that regardless of what kind of lifestyle you lead or what you think serious adults ought to be spending their time on, biologically

Early in dating, it is just not serious.

Whether you're a conservative rural person or a liberal urban person, early dating is just plain not serious, period.

It can't be.

SPEAKER 4

And let's share some flirting stories.

I want to let women know that men exist on a spectrum.

SPEAKER 3

is not serious.

It takes guys a long time to learn that, and even into adulthood, especially when we're career oriented.

And so some, unfortunately ladies, some of the best guys out there are not going to pick up on the fact that you're flirting with them at first.

You might just want to kick him in the knee or kick him in the shin.

But I still recommend that you start your flirting off subtle because you might have one of those guys who is very attuned to it and understands it.

But if he doesn't respond right away, it may not be because he is not attracted to you or might not be attracted to you.

He just might be one of those guys who hasn't quite become that socially attuned to the signals that women send out, the vibes that women send out.

And in our dating trainings, we try and teach guys to be more aware of those vibes.

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