This week, we discuss: poor misdirected Ginny; magical hucksters; new and improved criminal Hermione; bad swelling puns; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?; Dueling Clubs are useless; no one in this school did any student teaching; pointless spell fights; Snape is a dick; Lockhart’s overexcited wand; even more bad penis puns; the etymology of Parseltongue; the return of anti-snake stigma; Ernie Macmillan is an ass; Harry Potter, OG Dark Wizard; stop with the fucking puns already; bad choices in colloquialisms; Harry has no manner of luck at all; GRYFFINDOR PUNS; Dumbledore’s office; flaming turkeys; the history and symbolism of phoenixes; the truth behind the Nimbus; X-Men and Dark Phoenix; who knew Chinese and Christian virtues aligned so closely; sticky virginity things; OH MY GOD TWILIGHT EXPLAINS WHY CURSED CHILD IS SO SHITTY; Polyjuice Potion; expel Slytherin; lonely Draco and Malfoy family jokes; the politics of uppity; sad attempts to redeem Draco; and why Dramione just perpetuates misogyny.

Welcome back to Advanced Muggle Studies! I am Professor Seraphine and I am so excited to welcome back Professor Creed, who recently abandoned me on a much-deserved vacation and got to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter!

C: Butterbeer is delicious.

GIMME

S: What does it taste like?

C: Butterscotch.

S: Oh…it’s not too sweet?

C: Well, I love butterscotch, so no. But also, besides that, just no in general.

S: Well, I am glad you’re back and that you had fun. Hopefully one day I’ll get to go and report back, but until then we are back in the book!

Chapter 11: The Dueling Club

S: At least Harry’s bones are back. “His arm was reboned.”

C: No word about his boner. OHHHHHHHHHHH!

S: “Reboned, but very stiff.”

C: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

S: There’s so much in these chapters. But yes, Harry ‘s arm has healed, and Pomfrey lets him go. Harry takes off to find Ron and Hermione, because he wants to tell them about the latest: Colin Creevey petrified, Dobby crazy. That’s not really new but it bears discussing. He runs into Percy and Harry asks for Ron and Hermione. Percy:

“I hope Ron‘s not in another girls’ toilet.”

Harry watches Percy leave, turns around and goes straight for the girls’ toilet, because he knows that’s exactly where they are.

Poor Percy. He must be so disappointed on so many levels, on any given day.

Harry goes to Moaning Myrtle‘s bathroom. I see why they filmed it differently, because I can’t imagine trying to squeeze the kids into one little stall. Hermione has the fire going in the toilet bowl and she’s brewing the cauldron on top of it.

“NO, Ron, you can come out of that stall when you promise not to spill our entire stock of potion into the toilet again.”

C: How do they not knock the cauldron off? That’s what I want to know.

S: The fact that they can squeeze in there and not set anything on fire is an accomplishment that should win them five points for Gryffindor .

Ron and Hermione were going to go see Harry, but this is another instance where Ron and Hermione are doing their own thing and trusting Harry to catch up. Which they do less in the movie, but I like in the book. Like the first book, when they teamed up to attack teachers without telling Harry. They already know, anyway, about what happened with Colin. It seems to have lit a fire under them, no pun intended. Ron:

“The sooner we get a confession out of Malfoy the better.”

Harry fills the