This week, we discuss: the social leverage of Howlers; Gilderoy Lockhart’s narcissism; Google already knows what you’re thinking; The Matrix dude fantasies; mandrakes and sexual commerce in the Bible; hallucinogenic coincidences; anatomically correct root vegetables; the doctrine of signatures; keep the dog, lose the mandrake; posh Justin Finch-Fletchley; Republican wizards and the 20-day mandrake waiting period; what is Spellotape, really; perfect Colin Creevey; Lockhart’s magical Google alerts; Mormon fever dreams; Cornish pixies v. Pornish pixies; morning Wood; Hooch v. Snape; Mudbloods and the politics of racial slurs; anti-Semitism and the ugly history of Jewish blood libel; Black Mirror and genocide; why Judas Iscariot proves that sin enters (and exits) through the butt; the periodic penitence of menstrual periods; the bloody flux; wizarding eugenics; Confederate truck nuts and racist gun shows; 50 Shades of the Chamber of Secrets; the difference between wizard photos and portraits; and whether listeners will forgive us for this truly bizarre and NSFW episode.

S: Welcome back to Advanced Muggle Studies!

C: Yay!

S: We’ve slept, we’ve braced, ourselves, and it’s time to tackle Chapter 6.

Chapter 6: Gilderoy Lockhart

S: I think they’re going downhill. This is not a good sign. Do you know what kippers are?

C: Aren’t they fish? I thought that’s what it was but I could be wrong, not being British.

S: Yes! It is a whole herring that has been butterflied, gutted, pickled, salted, and cold-smoked. How do you cold-smoke something? Over smoldering woodchips. Hmm.

ARE YOU SURE???

C: I don’t know how you hot smoke something.

S: Anyway, it’s a gloomy day, overcast, they’re going down to breakfast. Hermione is very frosty behind her copy of Voyages with Vampires. We get our first mail delivery, which is good for Neville, who has forgotten everything. But not good for Ron. He’s got a Howler.

C: I love Howlers, and the Howler is one thing that they did in the movie that worked really well.

S: This notion of a Howler is brilliant. The Howler is a lot of parents’ dream invention. It’s like a recorded message, and the longer you let it sit, the worse it gets. So send a Howler, and the longer the kid puts off the scolding, the worse it will be.

C: It’s pretty epic.

S: It’s smoking at the corners! And it’s an explosion of sound that fills the entire Great Hall, and it is the worst ass chewing you will ever get in your life, from an angry red envelope that bursts into flame.

C: Ron says later when Hermione’s about to tell him, “Don’t tell me I deserve it.” You 100% deserve it, Ron. He deserved more than a Howler and a single detention, probably, but you know, what the fuck Hogwarts.

S: Mrs. Weasley is yelling at you is bad enough, but from 100 miles away from a smoking envelope is worst. Plates and spoons are rattling on the table. It’s a great tool because everyone will hear it. All your peers will know what you did, which is almost worse. Getting humiliated by your parent in front of everyone you know-

C: So embarrassing!

S: It bursts into flame. I like in the movie the way it stuck out its tongue and ripped itself into pieces. Of course Ron doesn’t want to hear that he deserved that, but…

C: He totally did.

S: First off is double Herbology. Hogwarts kids get block schedules! At least the Howler has done one good thing – Hermione was holding out for some repercussions before her moral code would allow her to give them the privilege of her friendship again. But now she’s being nicer.

As they get near the greenhouse, they see Professor Sprout carrying bandages. She’s been putting Whomping Willow branches in slings.

C: I gotta say, I’m terribly impressed with Professor Sprout that she can get close enough to the Willow to do that.

S: Professor Sprout has always struck me as one of the most competent people at the school, who knows her job damn well and just gets stuff done.

C: I love her in the movies. She was very well cast. It’s a small part, but she’s perfect.

<img loading="lazy" data-attachment-id="2329" data-permalink="https://muggle-studies.com/2017/04/04/harry-potter-and-the-chamber-of-secrets-ch-6-7-common-sense-dictates-a-20-week-mandrake-ban-until-women-stop-sinning-with-their-butts/5e222c9c5aeee0aa74ae389a89cb2e3a/" data-orig-file="https://mugglestudiescom.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/5e222c9c5aeee0aa74ae389a89cb2e3a.png" data-orig-size="698,1099" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{"aperture":"0","credit":"","camera":"","caption":"","created_timestamp":"0","copyright":"","focal_length":"0","iso":"0","shutter_