This episode, we discuss: evolving friend dynamics; Snape gets around; Neville is a badass; rabbit holes; Medieval Elvis; my incredible overarching theory of the series OMG; principles of alchemy; why the Sorcerer’s Stone, both the book and the object, are the keys to the entire series; the four stages of creating a Sorcerer’s Stone; color schemes; Jungian theories of individuation; literary aneurysms; Hagrid is just all around ill-advised; and the ‘alternative facts’ of Hermione Granger.

Chapter 13: Nicolas Flamel

S: I’m warning you all, we’re going down a serious internet rabbit hole on this chapter once we cover the main events. So prepare yourself. Deep breaths, maybe do some stretches.

They find out that Snape is refereeing the upcoming Quidditch match. Why? Was he worried about Quirrell? Was it Dumbledore’s idea?

C: I hadn’t considered that. We know Snape is suspicious of Quirrell, so Dumbledore must be too. They know something is fishy and have got to be almost certain of who was jinxing Harry, so I guess Snape can be a sneaky, not obvious bodyguard? Except it is incredibly obvious.

S: Maybe they think if he tries anything with Harry’s broom Snape would be in a good position to handle it. You mentioned, also, that at this point they don’t have a real reason to think that what Quirrell’s up to has anything to do with Voldemort. They’re suspicious, but he could be under the Imperius Curse.

C: Yeah. You’d have to think it was something like that, and instead of arresting him they want to see where he goes and follow the trail back, and in so doing they are incredibly cavalier with student safety and miss out on a chance to do what they could have done with slimy back-of-the-head Voldemort. Although let’s say they had caught him, alive with Voldemort. Obviously they couldn’t kill Voldemort, but would there have been a way to keep his essence trapped in Quirrell and locked down somewhere until they could figure out what the hell to do?

S: I have no idea. If Voldemort is capable of possessing whoever he wants because he’s alive in an incorporeal form, how do you contain essence of Voldemort? As far as the plot’s concerned it’s a damn good thing they didn’t figure it out, because nobody in the wizarding world even knows how to lock a door! They’d be fucked!

C: That’s an excellent point. They would be.

S: Meanwhile, the trio thinks they’re fucked with Snape refereeing. Ron: “Pretend to break your leg! No, really break your leg!” Then Neville comes hopping through the portrait hole, under the Leg-Locker curse courtesy of Malfoy. Ron: “You gotta stand up to Malfoy.” Harry gives Neville his last chocolate frog, telling him, “You’re worth 12 of Malfoy.” And now we realize that without Hermione, the entire wizarding world would be doomed. Because without her having  given Harry the frogs, he never would have had one to give Neville, who then kindly gives him the collectible card, which allows them to find — Nicolas Flamel! On that incredibly mundane bio on Dumbledore’s card!

So Hermione dashes off to bring back a book. We finally find out what the Stone is: produces the Elixir of Life, can turn any metal into gold. The only stone currently in existence belongs to Flamel and his wife Perenelle, who are both over 650 years old.

C: I would also like to comment on how enjoyable I find this exchange when Hermione rushes off and comes back with a book. “I got this out weeks ago for a bit of light reading?” Ron: “Light?” Then: “I knew it! I knew it!” Ron: “Are we allowed to speak yet?” And she tells them dramatically about the Sorcerer’s Stone. “This didn’t have quite the effect she expected. ‘The what?’ ‘Oh, honestly. Don’t you two read?’” I love that exchange because that is so indicative of their entire relationship as a group of friends.

S: It is perfect and you should love it. It’s great writing, and gives you a strong indication of who they are. So much personality in that exchange. So they’re not sure what to do about this. Meanwhile, Snape is in a terrible mood. Harry wonders if Snape knows about the stone – “he sometimes had the horrible feeling Snape could read minds.”

<figure class="wp-caption aligncenter" id="attachment_1483" style="width: 400px;"><figcaption class="wp-caption-text" id="caption-attachment-1483">I will take any excuse, really, to post this, the perfect Snape gif</figcaption></figure>

We get to the Quidditch game! We step away from Harry’s POV and find out that Ron and Hermione have been practicing the leg locker curse behind his back, in case they have to attack Snape. Already these “let’s leave Harry out of it” hijinks. It also makes me laugh that in Movie 3 Hermione yells at Harry for attacking a teacher. Whatever – Book 1 she was already planning to attack a teacher. She does not mess around!

C: She would have done it, too! She’s not afraid.

S: Oliver asks Harry to catch the Snitch ASAP. Then Fred points out that Dumbledore came to watch the game. Part of me wondered why – concern over Snape’s behavior, maybe checking on Harry?

C: Dumbledore just felt like a spot of Quidditch that day.

S: Up in the stands, Malfoy is being an asshat because he’s secretly jealous of this group of friends – “You shone, you know?”

C: OH GOOD GOD.

S: He’s making fun of the Gryffindor team, saying the only people who make the team are bad at something.

C: And funnily enough, the only way he makes it on the team next year is through his dad buying everybody new brooms.

<figure class="wp-caption aligncenter" id="attachment_1487" style="width: 500px;"><figcaption class="wp-caption-text" id="caption-attachment-1487">BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNN!</figcaption></figure>

S: Projection much? Neville defends himself to Malfoy using Harry’s compliment to him. “I’m worth twelve of you, Malfoy!” AWWWWWWWW NEVILLE. Ron, not looking away: “You tell him, Neville!”  Barely in the game, Harry’s going for the Snitch, Malfoy makes one last crack about the Weasleys, and Ron is like, “Fuck this!” Ron tackles Malfoy, Neville goes in too, everyone’s fighting, Hermione screaming for Harry to hurry up, who then catches the Snitch in under 5 minutes! Now Gryffindor’s in the lead. Dumbledore pats Harry on the back. Everyone is headed back to the common room, and Harry sees Snape and follows him on broom. Oh look, it’s Snape and Quirrell, having a rendezvous.

C: Sexy.

S: NOT SEXY.

<figure class="wp-caption aligncenter" id="attachment_1494" style="width: 375px;"><figcaption class="wp-caption-text" id="caption-attachment-1494">This….is….a PRIVATE. MEETING.</figcaption></figure>

C: I thought Snape belonged with Filch! And here he is, running around on him.

S: Snape gets with whoever! He asks Quirrell about getting past Fluffy, and is Intimidating Quirrell. Depending on your pre-existing opinion of Snape, you can hear two different things here, which I appreciate. Rowling always handled Snape skillfully so that you could read him multiple ways depending on what you think. We know what Harry thinks, and it just verifies what he thinks. So he goes back up to the castle and finds Ron, who has a black eye, and hears that Neville is still out cold from taking on Crabbe and Goyle single handedly. Little first year Neville tried to take Crabbe and Goyle BY HIMSELF. Neville is the man.

<figure class="wp-caption aligncenter" id="attachment_1491" style="width: 500px;"><figcaption class="wp-caption-text" id="caption-attachment-1491">“You wish you looked this badass in a cardigan!”</figcaption></figure>

Harry sneaks off with Hermione and Ron to tell what he heard. They figure this means there are things guarding the stone, and Snape’s trying to break through. And if it only is safe while Quirrell stands up to Sn