We Start Fitting In First to Survive, But Then We Struggle To Thrive

Today on this Short Talk on Talks with Dr Shafer, I want to talk about the need to fit in. This need is natural and a part of our survival mechanisms. As a child, we needed to fit into our family because if they didn’t accept us, we would literally die. We were completely dependent on them to accept us, care for us and protect us. If there were issues leading to trouble connecting with our caregivers, we may have created complex tactics and strategies to ensure our needs were met and that we would not be rejected. Later in life, because the brain is hard-wired to repeat its habits until a new one is formed, we seek familiar relationships, even if the original version did not bring us peace, happiness or really meet our needs. We get used to begging for approval and silencing our wants and needs and beliefs, and focus all of our energy outward, on meeting the needs (real or imagined) of others. This sets us up for toxic relationships brimming with manipulation, coercion, and confusion. We want to earn love from this person, but it seems unattainable. If this is a familiar dynamic to us in relationships, no matter how bad it may feel or how much it may affect us, we may not see it as wrong behavior from the other person, because that is what we are used to. We may simply interpret that we have yet more data to confirm what we had learned early in life: that we didn’t fit in, that we needed to focus on the needs and wants of others and sacrifice our own. We then go further and further down the path of self-abandonment, until at some point, we reach a critical point of tension as we have gone so far out of alignment with ourselves. At this point, we can no longer bend. We can break, or we can have an equal and opposite reaction, coming back to ourselves. The snap back is sometimes painful, clumsily, reckless. It may take us further than we want to go. But it will take us to where we need to be. And from there, it is up to us to work towards staying in alignment with our values and beliefs moving forward. To stay on the path that resonates with us and serves our wants to reach our goals. This is our life, in fact. We don’t owe abandoning ourselves to anyone. The world needs you to be the best version of yourself, which is only possible if you actually show up as you. 


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This episode does not offer individualized medical advice. Opinions discussed are for informational purposes only, and should not be considered medical advice.

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Music Credit: Shafer Yost, Impulse