Effective Communication in Marriage: Being Present

[Show opens]

Myrtle Alegado: Do any of you remember what your lives were like before smartphones?

Think about those times when, you know, you’d actually have to go into a restaurant and try their burger or wings to see if the food was any good, instead of just going online, reading the reviews and maybe not even giving that restaurant a chance.

Who remembers having to actually use a phone book and a landline phone? It didn’t use to be a world full of smartphones.

Technology has changed our way of life. It has made a lot of tasks easier and it definitely has saved us a lot of time. But, have all the impacts of modern technology and smartphones been positive? And how have these changes affected married life? Are there times when technology might actually take away your time and attention from your spouse?

This leads us to our episode today which we decided to call, “Being Present”

So let’s get things going, as we continue our series on Effective Communication in Marriage.

Welcome to Happy Life. This podcast brought to you by INCMedia aims to help newlyweds navigate through the first years of marriage. I’m Myrtle Alegado and I’ve been married to my husband Paul since 1999.

[Catchphrase]

Inspiration to make your marriage thrive.. You’re listening to ‘Happy Life’

[Music ends]

Myrtle: “The smartphone has changed our lives for the better in some ways, but it definitely has its drawbacks, too,” says businessinsider.com

Dr. Suzana E. Flores, clinical psychologist and author of “Facehooked: How Facebook Affects Our Emotions, Relationships, and Lives,” agrees that smartphones are useful, but can also cause friction in our lives.

In many households, at the dinner table or at bedtime are definitely occasions when you can share your thoughts with your spouse, catch up on how your day went, or just chat casually about anything under the sun.

But during those moments, are we 100% present with our spouse? Meaning, are we being as attentive as we ought to be when our spouse is communicating with us?

According to usu.edu, a study done in 2019 shows that: 45% consider technology a big problem in their marriage. 43% report that their spouse uses technology in bed every night or almost every night. 55% feel like their spouse/partner spends too much time on their cell phone. Let’s talk about how we can be physically, mentally and emotionally present for our spouse.

Here with us today are Vic and Janelle from Burlingame, CA. Our newlyweds have been married since August of 2020. Welcome to Happy Life, Vic and Janelle! How have you two been?

Vic Laguisma: Hi!

Janelle Laguisma: Hi! We’ve been good. How are you?

Myrtle: You know, hanging in there, hanging in. Thanks for asking.So, it was mentioned that technology can cause problems in marriage. One example is when one feels like the other may be spending too much time on their phone.  Is this something you’ve noticed in your marriage? And If so, how often does it happen?

Janelle: Yes, definitely. I think I am very guilty of spending too much time on my phone just because everything’s on there. And I love planning, so for the weekend I want to plan on where are we going to eat, what are we going to do, where to get the car oil changed, like everything. I’m always researching and looking things up, what’s next or where can we get the least expensive piece of furniture. You know, it’s just a lot of that.

Vic: I mean, I’m just happy that it’s a productive thing, you know? And it’s not a cat playing a piano or anything like that. Sometimes I’ll catch her, you know, she’ll be answering me when I talk to her, but I’ll repeat my question but in a louder voice, with like a smirk on my face. But both of us, we kind of call each other out on it too because sometimes it’ll cut into our quality time.

Myrtle: Well, knowing is half the battle right? So, you know, when your quality time is cut, what impact does that have on your relationship?

Vic: Like emotionally and physically present. I personally enjoy, like, face-to-face talks. It’s always important to stay connected with each other.

Janelle: Definitely. So, it gets kind of tough but sometimes if I’m on my phone I’ll go on Instagram and send him, like, a cute picture or something. Just to kind of include him in my research on my phone. You know, just so he’s not completely left out. But it’s nice just to be together. For me, you know, it’s just nice to have his presence and not be a thousand miles away or anything.

Vic: Oh my gosh. Long distance.

Myrtle: Oh that’s right, yes. You were in a long distance relationship. I forgot, yeah. So how, you know, being in a long distance relationship before, quality time must be important to your marriage. What does it mean to you to spend quality time together?

Vic:  It’s very important. You know, like especially preparing for a family. You know, we have busy schedules and we only get to see each other, gosh, like a couple of hours a day, you know? From the time we wake up to the time we have to already get ready for bed—having dinner and getting ready for bed. But you know we allot the weekend for our quality time. We just actually had a Buklod GMM—

Myrtle: Oh, and GMM, that’s the general monthly meeting of the Buklod, which are the married members inside the Church Of Christ.

Vic: —where they actually say advice to go out on little dates. We pretty much do that on the weekends. Sometimes we’ll do that on a weekday depending on, like, how the day goes, you know. If the sun is out and if we need ice cream. If there’s any little stress, there’s a need for ice cream.

Myrtle: [laughs] There’s always a need for ice cream. So Janelle, you said you enjoy your chats too and your quality time? Do you always prefer to, you know, just speak face-to-face?

Janelle: Most of the time, but, like, if there are times when we’re extra stressed or emotional, sometimes it’s easier for me to write out how I feel rather than just say it out loud. Because sometimes when you say things out loud—when you’re, like, angry or at a high emotional state—you say things that you don’t mean. So a lot of times it’s easier, like, “I’m going to text this to you.” Give me a second, and like let me text this to you because I can’t talk right now. I’m going to say something I don’t mean.

And so it took a while for Vic to understand that, because he can really say what he feels verbally. But for me, I’m like, “no, I need to gather how I feel,” and then write it down and maybe send it to you through a text, even if we’re right next to each other. Like it happened when we were long distance, and you know, now that we’re together, like, it’s something that I’m still working on because it’s something that’s difficult for me. So, that’s something that’s just, it’s kind of funny. But other than that, you know, it’s a lot of fun just being together.

Vic: Yeah.

Myrtle: Well, expressing your thoughts verbally can be more intimate than other methods of communication, but are there other ways that can help?

According to washingtonpost.com, “Texting can and should be a positive force in people’s lives, both in terms of emotional and physical health, they say — so long as it’s used correctly.”

But they did warn us not to use texting to avoid difficult face-to-face interactions.

“Don’t let it turn you away from the necessary vulnerability you need to feel in relationships,” Turkle said. “Is texting keeping me away from a necessary conversation? If not, enjoy.”

So, Janelle & Vic, how do you use things like messaging or texting to benefit your relationship?

Vic: When we were dating still, and early on in the relationship, we would always just text each other or DM (direct message) on Instagram. But I was always under my anxiety when she wouldn’t respond right away. Like I’m on the edge of my seat like when I ask her a question, you know, because we’ll have straight conversations and then all of a sudden I’ll hit this question and I wouldn’t be answered and I’m just like “What?”

Myrtle: It’s like, “where did she go?” [laughs]

Janelle: [laughs]

Vic: I used to always get mad. You don’t do that in a conversation with somebody face-to-face. Like you know, where we’re talking to each other and I ask you a question and you just don’t answer. But then again, that’s like texting. What I learned is you can’t really judge the conversations on texts that you have in real life, you know, or face-to-face.

Myrtle: For sure, especially if something comes up right?

Vic: Yeah.

Myrtle: And you get interrupted, and you intend to reply, but sometimes other things grab your attention. Is that kind of what happened, Janelle? 

Janelle: Yeah, that’s pretty much how it is, and I had to explain to him when you’re long distance, the reason why you text is because you’re not available to talk. If