Communication in Marriage: Disagreements

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Myrtle Alegado (host): Disagreements, quarrels, little arguments, or squabbles, these are all terms people use when there’s some conflict. And in marriage, some may say that little disputes or disagreements can be healthy, and even help you learn more about your spouse. But conflict that recurs or lingers over an extended period of time could have negative consequences on married life. And let’s talk about that today.

Welcome to Happy Life. This new podcast, brought to you by INCMedia, helps newlyweds navigate through the first months and years of marriage to remind us all that marriage is a blessing. I’m Myrtle Alegado and I’ve been married to my husband, Paul, since 1999.

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Inspiration to make your marriage thrive, you’re listening to Happy Life.

Myrtle: On the website psychologytoday.com, they mentioned something called the Romantic Relationships Scale, and there are 30 items that cover the sources of disagreements in romantic relationships.

Some of them included: not showing enough love or affection, lack of communication, one not paying enough attention to the other, and not being appreciated, things that deal with chores and responsibilities like housekeeping, and other tasks at home and who does more work. And finally, these items such as goals in life, future plans, children, who should pay for something, or if one uses all the other’s money.

And to share their thoughts on disagreements in marriage, we have Martin and Erica, who are newlyweds from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. They got married [in] October of 2019. Hi Zerrudos! How are you two doing?

Martin Zerrudo: Hi!

Erica Zerrudo: Hi!

Martin: Thanks for having us.

Myrtle: How are you today?

Erica: We’re doing well, doing well. Thank you for asking.

Martin: [laughs] Excited to be part of this show. Thank you for having us.

Myrtle: From the list that I just read to you, can you relate to one of those reasons for disagreements or a few or maybe all of them?

Erica: [laughs] Well, I think definitely at first, you know, you’re adjusting to each other. So, definitely the lack of communication and maybe one not paying enough attention to the other, and you know, not showing enough love or affection when the other person needs it, definitely.

Martin: Yeah, I think because we were long distance, right, you can really show affection just through the phone or through a video call or you know, sending each other care packages. But once we were married, you know, very much excited to be in love and to be with each other physically, but we were still trying to kind of figure out, like you know, when you’re on the same flow in terms of when is the right time to show affection—does somebody need more, does somebody need less? And you’re kind of just learning that as you go along, because you know, we didn’t have the ability to kind of figure that out because we were long-distance. So I think, definitely that. We’re working from home during the pandemic and it just so happens that the pandemic was the same time as the first year of our marriage.

Erica [laughs]

Myrtle: Right, yeah.

Martin: And so we got to spend the time together physically because we had to stay at home, but at the same time, I’m working from home so it didn’t necessarily allow me to give the focused attention that I could have even if we were in the same space for a long time.

Myrtle: Yeah, definitely. Everybody’s busy these days with, you know, multitasking. And you did mention you were both in a long distance relationship prior to marriage. So, what do you wish you had known about facing disagreements together before saying your “I dos?”

Erica: You want to take this one?

Martin: [laughs]

Myrtle: [laughs] You’re both pointing fingers at each other?

Erica: Yeah! [laughs]

Martin: Yeah, no, pointing smiles at each other. Who wants to take this one? No, you take it, honey. No…

So for a long distance, yeah, obviously, the only way that that’s going to survive—outside of prayer and having faith that you’re meant to be—is communication. And, you know, just to be quite frank, like, we’re 9 years apart, and so Erica is in her early 20s and I’m in my early 30s, and so we’re at different stages in life. And so, the things that we’re going through from day to day, whether it be work or duties or responsibilities, they’re different.

And so we had to adapt to that and be mindful of that, knowing that, you know, there are certain things that she has to do at this stage in her life, there are certain things that I have to do at my stage in life. And if we wanted to make the relationship work, we just have to be conscious and aware of that so that we can communicate effectively, you know?

Myrtle: Right.

Martin: Her hour or window of opportunity to communicate may not always be the same for me, and vice versa, just because we have different responsibilities and lifestyles. So, definitely, that was one of the challenges and areas of disagreement, is finding those windows where we’re, we’re both available to give quality time for each other.

Erica: [agrees] I feel like it’s also, mistakes are for learning, kind of deal. You try and bring up a problem or you know, just something that’s been on your mind. And you see if this is a good timing, oh it’s not a good timing. You gotta read what’s his headspace, what his day was like. Okay, maybe he likes it, when we’re both sitting down, when we’re both calm, when we both don’t have a lot on our schedule anymore, then I can bring it up and we can have as much time as we need for this conversation to happen.

Myrtle: You know, what Martin said, a few of our other couples have said, you know, our spouse isn’t a mind-reader. So adjusting to, you know, the little nuances of how the other person may kind of, react to certain things or scenarios and even words, that was probably a big thing, in terms of adjusting to each other.

But can I also ask you, you said you finally moved in together during the pandemic and you had to go through those adjustments. So Erica, can you talk a little bit about what that situation was like?

Erica: Yes. So when we first got married, when I first arrived to Canada, at the time Martin was living with his parents, so we adjusted, like, living into his room which at the time was a twin bed, it was—

Myrtle: Oh [laughs]

Erica: —a cute little closet, yeah. And so… [laughs] Moving in with my, you know, suitcases and luggages, we were like “Oh man, where are we going to put everything?”

Martin: Can I just pause? So, we live in Toronto. In Toronto, you know, it’s a metropolis. We live in a townhouse, multiple levels. So, Toronto is all about, like dense, compact living, right?

Myrtle: Right.

Martin: And Erica is from the South. She’s from Atlanta and her house is a little bit off into the suburbs. So she’s got a, you know she grew up, at least when she was in Atlanta, in this huge property, huge backyard.

Erica: It’s not huge.

Martin: I mean, for her it’s not huge, but in comparison to a townhouse in Toronto, it’s, like, gigantic. And so, like, her bedroom has a queen bed, she has her own walk-in closet, she has her own bathroom, and that’s the norm. It’s not like she’s wealthy or anything,

Myrtle: Oh, wow.

Martin: But that’s just the norm in the community in the area where she lives, where it’s just massive properties and houses. Whereas here in Toronto, the norm is, yeah, we’re either all in buildings or in townhouses. It’s very densely populated. So you can imagine her adjustment like, “Hey, thanks for marrying me. Let’s live in this box.”

Erica: [laughs]

Myrtle: [laughs] Although I’m sure she was, you know, very grateful that your parents allowed you to both move in there and get your start in life.

Erica: Absolutely. Especially, you know, financially. So, they’re very understanding, and we’re very grateful for that. They always tell us, all the time, “Hey, if you want to like come over,” or “Here’s some food to help you guys out a little bit.” They’re always sweet to us, so we’re always thankful for that. They tried their best, you know, helping me to adapt to a new city, new life, marriage.

Martin: (faintly) Winter.

Erica: Yeah, winter in the quarantine,-

Myrtle: [laughs] Winter.

Erica: –which no one’s gone through before. So yeah, just, you had to adapt to, not only, your husband, but his parents, to his siblings and also his sibling’s wife, so the in-laws as well. So, it was pretty packed in the house, but you adjust to each other’s scheduling and where to navigate yourself in the house and how each other, like, how they like to clean… yeah.

Myrtle: So during that time, you know, when you were together and you had disagreements, how did you adjust to each other and how did you handle them?

Martin: I think, I mean one of the challenges is, you know, w