Effective Communication in Marriage: Introduction

[Show opens]

Myrtle Alegado (host): “Hello, everyone! For those joining us again we’re glad you’re back, and a warm welcome to our new listeners out there. I’m Myrtle Alegado, host of this newest podcast by INCMedia, Happy Life where we help newlyweds navigate through the first years of marriage.  As for me, I have been happily married for over 21 years to my husband, Paul.

In our last episode, we left off on the topic of communication. Today, we’re kicking off the series on effective communication in marriage.

On the website insightpsychological.ca it states that lack of communication is the root cause of marriage issues and on www.marriage.com they state and I quote:

“Communication is crucial in marriage and not being able to communicate effectively quickly leads to resentment and frustration for both, impacting all aspects of a marriage. Poor communication is one of the biggest reasons for divorce.”

Stay tuned now as we talk about what communication is and look at some of the different methods.

[Show jingle/catchphrase]
Inspiration to make your marriage thrive, you’re listening to Happy Life.

Myrtle Alegado: On Happy Life today, I’d like to welcome our guests Jannelle & Kurt, from Delta, British Columbia, Canada. They’ve been married a little over 2 years now. Hey, Kurt & Jannelle! How are you both today?

Jannelle Quines: Thank you  so much! We’re doing great, thanks!

Myrtle Alegado: Oh, that’s awesome! Kurt, how are you?

Kurt Quines: Pretty good. Hi, everyone!

Myrtle Alegado: So, before we jump into our discussion today, would you mind sharing a little bit about yourselves? You know, so we can get to know you a little. What do you both do professionally?

Kurt Quines: So, I’m a Structural Engineer at WHM Structural Consulting just outside of Vancouver.

Myrtle Alegado: Mmmhmm.

Jannelle Quines:  And I’m a Digital Marketing & Communications Professional. I work within a tech company that focuses on video editing software.

Myrtle Alegado: Oh wow, those definitely sound like busy careers. I know from our last conversation together, I know you met when you both worked in retail about 9 or 10 years ago. But you only got married 2 years ago, right?

Jannelle Quines: Yes, that’s right.

Myrtle Alegado: So for you personally, what does good communication in your marriage mean to you?

Kurt Quines: So for us, it basically means speaking with honesty and respect.

Myrtle Alegado: Right.

Jannelle Quines: Yeah, definitely, being able to speak with honesty and like, you know, being unafraid of your spouse’s reaction. Also, having an open mind and an open heart to listen to what your spouse is saying or trying to say.

Myrtle Alegado: So, in the little over 2 years that you’ve been married, but you’ve known each other for a total of 10, so what have you learned about communication with each other over the years? And did that change a little bit, you know, after you got married?

Kurt Quines: Definitely. So, communication in marriage is a lot different from when you’re dating. It’s a new stage in your relationship, as well as your life, so there are new things you’ll learn about yourself and your spouse while living in the same space.

Myrtle Alegado: Oh yeah definitely, because you know you’re adjusting not just to being married but to living with each other, living together.

Kurt Quines: Exactly. We both came from living with our families so this was our first time living with anyone. And, basically, first time living apart from our families as well.

Myrtle Alegado: Yeah.

Kurt Quines: So it was challenging learning to live together while adjusting to living away from our separate families.

Myrtle Alegado: Yeah, I get that.

Jannelle Quines: Yeah, for example, there are times where you know, we felt like we couldn’t express ourselves, because it felt like, you know, when you express yourselves and you’re not used to being with somebody constantly, you feel like you’re being criticized or being questioned, like the methods that you’re doing in your everyday life is being questioned. And we were both used to, you know, avoiding that. So we would try to avoid as many arguments by keeping silent, but you know that never works out. And then, you know, because of that tensions build and things start to feel uncomfortable in the shared space that you have. 

Myrtle Alegado: It’s kind of funny how that dynamic works, because I mean you’ve known each other for 9 or 10 years, and then you get married, and then it’s like walking on eggshells with each other.

Jannelle Quines: Yeah.

Myrtle Alegado: It’s almost like you’re trying to figure out, you know, when to bring something up or not.

Jannelle Quines: Right, totally. For sure, for sure. Like, I think It took some time, but we learned that the space that we share is you know, exactly that. It’s shared. So remembering that it belongs to the both of us, so it’s up to us to create that home together. It’s not like, you know, it’s only his space or only my space. It’s a space where we need to communicate our wants, and our needs, and our overall feelings in order for things to be more harmonious.

Myrtle Alegado: Okay, before we continue, let’s find out what exactly  is communication and how do others define communication?

The definition of communication according to Merriam Webster dictionary is a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.

There are 2 basic types of communication, being verbal & non-verbal. Verbal communication has two types. Oral Communication, which happens through word of mouth, spoken words, conversations like face to face conversation with your spouse, or you know phone calls; and of course, nowadays, we also have video chats and what not. And then, the other type is Written Communication, which happens through handwritten or typed medium, like text messages, instant messages, handwritten notes, or emails.

And then we’ve got Non-Verbal Communication. Any communication without word of mouth, spoken words, conversation and written languages are called Non-Verbal Communication. And it happens through gestures, body language or facial expressions

So, now that we have defined what communication is, Jannelle & Kurt, in your own words, why is effective communication important to you?

Jannelle Quines: I think communication is important to us because it’s taken us to another level of love and respect for each other. I think we understand each other much better, and we truly are partners in life. We’re in this together and that’s really comforting.

Myrtle Alegado: Yeah, in it for the long haul, right?

Jannelle Quines: Yeah. Yeah.

Myrtle Alegado: So,can you take us through a typical day for you two, you know, what you share, how you communicate with each other? How often? Is it throughout the day during work, or just in the evening when you finally get to see each other?

Kurt Quines: I think a good example is, because we work fairly close to each other, we usually carpool on the days when we have Church night.

Myrtle Alegado: Oh that’s nice.

Kurt Quines: So we have really good conversations while driving home or driving somewhere.

Jannelle Quines: Yeah. 

Myrtle Alegado: What are the sorts of things you talk about in the car?

Jannelle Quines: Well, I think it’s good that we work close by. So, when we carpool back home we talk about how our day went at work, and sometimes you know, how we’re feeling. We mention things that happen, like funny things that happened during the day, current events, or what’s happening in the world right now. We discuss a whole bunch of different topics when we go home.

Myrtle Alegado: It’s kind of like anything and everything, huh?

Jannelle Quines: Yeah, literally. It’s kind of whatever is happening, that happened that day, we sort of chat about. Yeah.

Myrtle Alegado: So, it’s kind of like a catch up session but also you can bring up anything. That’s great.

Jannelle Quines: Yeah.

Kurt Quines: Pretty much, and then we talk about Church, mostly as well. Talking about our responsibilities and our duties. You know, we kind of coordinate our schedules in the car, pretty much. And, overall, quality time is really important to us, so even if we don’t talk and we just drive, and we’re just in the same space, we sort of can feel or read each other’s mood.

Jannelle Quines: Yeah.

Myrtle Alegado: That’s so awesome when, you know, that comforting kind of  sil