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Myrtle Alegado (host): Okay, newlyweds. After the wedding, many of you expect wedded bliss to be automatic. You’ve married the person of your dreams right, so they should be able to anticipate every thought, wish, and need. But even after decades of marriage, I can tell you, this is not the case. So, all you newlyweds out there stay tuned as we continue our series on effective communication in marriage. 

Welcome to Happy Life, the newest podcast brought to you by INCMedia that aims to help newlyweds navigate through the first years of marriage. I’m Myrtle Alegado and I’ve been married to my husband, Paul, for over 21 years. 

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Inspiration to make your marriage thrive, you’re listening to Happy Life

Myrtle Alegado: All right, so in this episode of our effective communication in marriage series, we’ll be focusing on expectations. Is it relevant to a successful marriage that expectations are clear between the husband and wife? Sure, it is. In the same way that having unclear expectations contribute to an unsuccessful marriage. Consider for a moment this quote from an article entitled The Psychology Of Expectations, and I quote: Without actually verbalizing expectations about give and take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads about legitimate expectations of each other, and unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. In an article we found on psychologytoday.com, Dr. John Johnson, a psychology professor at Pennsylvania State University, explored how unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments. Now what exactly does that mean?

To get this discussion underway, I’d like to introduce today’s guests, Darnelh and Kim from Fremont, California, and they’ve been married since August of 2019. Welcome to Happy Life, Kim and Darnelh.  

Darnelh: Hello

Kim: Hi, everyone.

Myrtle: How are you today?

Kim: Oh, we’re doing great. It’s really nice to be here, so thank  you.

Myrtle: Oh, we’re happy to have you. Okay, so newlyweds. Going back to that saying “unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.” Well, simply put, it means we feel happy when expectations are met but disappointed when they aren’t, even though other expectations we have are actually without good reason. And to break it down further the example they used in the article was a cup of coffee. Okay, so now you’re probably wondering, “Myrtle, what does a cup of coffee have to do with expectations in marriage?”

So, just bear with me for a second as I share with you my take on this. I was able to relate to the article’s cup of coffee example, because when I wake up in the morning having a cup of coffee makes me happy. Darnelh and Kim, do you two look forward to your first cup of coffee in the morning too?

Kim: I do. I think I’m a big(ger) coffee drinker than Darnelh, but I always, it’s like the first thing that I have to have in the morning.

Myrtle: Okay, so maybe Darnelh can relate to the article’s cup of coffee example with maybe his morning cereal, or his pancakes, or what have you. 

Obviously I know that I have to carry out steps to produce that cup of coffee, and that it just doesn’t appear out of thin air on my counter waiting to greet me. But there have been times when my husband makes it to the kitchen before me, and in my head I’m like, “Oh, this is awesome. He’ll probably have my coffee waiting for me when I get downstairs.” But, I never actually articulated or expressed to him before he went downstairs that I’d like him to make me a cup of coffee. So, why is it then that I feel disappointed when I don’t actually see that coffee waiting for me on the counter? I mean after all, he isn’t a mind reader. Right, Darnelh, Kim?

Kim: We can agree on, like, so many levels with that. I think I’m the same way. Like, “Oh I hear someone in the kitchen. Someone’s making coffee. By the time I get out of the room I’m  pretty sure I’ll have a coffee. So that’s, you know, I can totally agree with that and relate.

Darnelh: She was giving me a look the whole time you were talking.

Kim: Yeah.

Myrtle: It’s so funny how that works. Now after several instances similar to this, for example, like if, you know, every day I’m kind of expecting him to make me a cup of coffee and it doesn’t happen, for some couples, could that disappointment start building into resentment? You know, Darnelh and Kim, you’ve been married for what is it?  Almost two years now or a year and a half?

Kim: Yeah, about a year and a half, yes. Almost two years, yes.

Myrtle: Yeah, time’s flying huh? In that time, can you maybe give us an example of when unfulfilled expectations was an issue for you in your marriage?

Kim: I think one of the biggest things though, as a newly married couple, is when it comes to responsibilities at home. I think it was something that we never saw coming, but a lot of the expectations really weigh on the responsibilities that we both have at home. 

Myrtle: You’re not the first couple who have mentioned that, so it’s really funny how even just, you know, dividing chores and daily responsibilities can become, you know, a bone of contention in a way. 

Kim: Yes, I agree. I think, like a big factor with it too is we both came from, we came from different families. So with him he only has, like, one brother and then meanwhile I have two sisters, a brother. So our family’s a lot bigger. So, that to like, you know, coming from two different families and then now you’re starting a new family and life together, I think, the way you used to do things when you were with your own family before is like quite different when you live together as a newly married couple.

Myrtle: Right, so you’re adjusting to not only, you know, your other half now that you’re married but even the type of upbringing that they had, the different routines that were normal for them in their homes aren’t necessarily, you know, the same as what you’re expecting now that you’re married, you know, as newlyweds. So, Darnelh, can you talk a little bit about that? Were there misunderstandings because of, you know, expectations you had of each other?

Darnelh: Yeah, there was a lot of learning that was done, that is still being done. We’re learning a lot about each other. Going back to what she said, you know, we come from different backgrounds and different approaches of how we live in our homes and all that. Yeah, my family like when we grew up, like me, my brother and my parents, and everyone had such different schedules. So it was kind of like every man for themselves, type of thing. I know we always, like for instance dishes, we made a rule early on when I was a kid. I guess it was an issue, I don’t remember too much. But whatever is in the sink, you wash it. So it never really stacked up, so I guess we just took on the responsibility.

Myrtle: I see.

Darnelh: There was a bit of an integrity there, I guess.

Kim: Which is funny because, I just wanted to add, which was totally different from how it is in our household. Because there’s four siblings, and we always have to make sure that everyone gets to do chores. So for us after dinner, when you eat together, one person takes care of the dishes.

Myrtle: So it’s assigned.

Kim: Yeah, so I think that’s one of the main differences we actually noticed when we were, you know, when we just started being together. 

Myrtle: In this situation where, you know, in your minds your expectations versus the reality that you faced when you finally moved in together they were different, right? So how did you get on the same page?

Darnelh: We definitely sat down every time there [were] misunderstandings. We would talk it out, we would, you know, speak our minds, say what we felt and try to understand, like, where the other is coming from, why are they approaching it this way, and all that. So we try to help each other out and to understand.

Myrtle: When we talk about, you know, the topic of expectations, it’s not really something that a lot of newlyweds or even engaged to be wed couples really think about, or even take the time to discuss prior to marriage. I know, I didn’t. I didn’t think about, you know, managing what my expectations of my husband were going to be, or future husband. So is the topic of expectations in your marriage something you both discussed prior to getting married, or did you think about it at all?

Darnelh: No. [laughs]

Kim: Yeah, I don’t think we actually, because we…. I think it’s different because I think in my opinion if we were closer, because we were in a long distance relationship for a long time, like we started our relationship with long distance, and really like the expectations you have when you have a long distance relationship is totally different when you’re dating someone who’s just there, right. But when it comes to long distance, I think you make an extra effort to make everything so special that you really don’t think of expectations. Like, what do you expect this person to do? I feel like I’m always surprised by all the gestures t