There’s this tiktok (not endorsing the creator - have no idea who she is) that came across my FYP that was about how everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager. Oof. She goes on about how her mom has always had a huge village around her and the creator shares her observations of what her mom does to make that possible.

It made me think about my relationship with community, my upbringing and the life my parents are living. Below is a photo of my parents! My mom is in that darling striped dress with the large collar, my dad is beside her, and my maternal grandparents are beside my dad, and my aunt is next to my mom. They are at a Chinese restaurant filled with people. And it’s for my parent’s wedding banquet in the 80’s! They are so cute! I’ve been at many Chinese dinner banquets and large gatherings growing up. There’s usually shark fin soup (not sure if it’s actual shark fin or if it’s that ethical), cold jellyfish, garlicky crab, roast duck, many other savory yummy dishes, and a dessert sago soup. It’s LOUD in that room. People are talking and basically yelling. Love it so much.

You might know that I grew up in an evangelical christian home, and for my whole childhood my community was a Chinese community church in the Bay Area. For all the ways that I resent Christianity in my lineage, I am also grateful to have grown up with fellow Chinese and Asian community members. All my aunties and uncles (biological and chosen) spoke Chinese - Cantonese - and the first generation kids spoke chinglish (chinese/english). In that church, there was a deep sense of belonging that was more than sharing the same faith.

One of my favorite memories was church lunch after service, and the aunties have been rushing to get all this food ready for lunch before choir practice. They laid out hot trays on wooden foldable tables all lined up. You grabbed your plate and utensils and you went to town. Rice, veggies, noodles, savory meats, saucy tofu. SO GOOD.

During the week, my parents had bible study, prayer meetings, and church meetings held in people’s homes. Sometimes we would host. The kids would play and watch movies. That was my childhood! For all the trauma that was happening on different levels, my memories of the gatherings are joyful and warm. Oh the nuance.

In between church events and meetings, I was at least once a week at someone’s home with my parents for a non church gathering. There would be dinner, lots of laughter, and late night goodbyes. Most of the households had pianos, and I would practice piano at my parent’s friend’s homes. I remember being SO obnoxious with my 21st century weird ass piano pieces that I played extremely loud. My mom would have to be like “so proud of you for practicing, but can you not play so loud?” Haha!

Like the tiktok creator’s mom, people are always dropping by with desserts or a random things, and my parents are always dropping off things at other friends’ homes. It’s been 16 years since I’ve lived at home, and every time I’m visit - it’s still the same. When I was at my parent’s place last time, a long time friend dropped off peeled jackfruit. My parents are always hanging out with their elderly friends at their home - my dad helping with their computer and ordering things for them. There’s always something.

Over the years their community has changed drastically. Some folks remain close, but most of them came and went. I remember quieter years when there was less social activity. In the past few years, they rejoined a new asian church, and it’s been really sweet to hear about their new friends. My mom told me about all the different regional asian dishes she’s been learning about from her community.

My parents are adventurous - they try new places to eat and plan trips across the world with their friends. A couple months ago I called my mom and found out that they were on a road trip in the pacific north west visiting some friends over the weekend. Adorable.

Below is a photo of my younger sister and I on a roadtrip! We are in our black honda accord, which I inherited when I was a teenager. Every year growing up my parents would take us on 2 big road trips to national parks and museums across the states. One of the reasons why they decided to homeschool us was to bring us on trips that could also double as field trips and family vacations. We didn’t have much growing up, and could’t afford international and expensive trips - so getting into our car and staying at motels was their way of making a more immersive learning atmosphere as well as spending time together. Looking back, I’m so grateful for my parents’ thoughtfulness in raising me and my sister. I’m so tired all the time, and I can’t imagine having kids and then getting the energy to make their lives feel exciting and full. Thank goodness I’m not a parent!!

I remember growing up hearing in the other room grown up meetings happening. I felt in the air there was betrayal and lots of conflict. When my parents were alone, I would hear them talking in the kitchen about what was simmering and unfolding. Lots of tears and heartbreak. I felt like my parents were constantly mediators, but I’m sure they were part of rupture too.

It’s interesting to think how my upbringing informs my formation of community.

The truth is that I feel very guarded and jaded. The older I get the smaller my circle is getting, and that’s by choice!

I went to a talk yesterday that featured Mariame Kaba ( Prisonculture ), Beth Richie, and Avonlon Betts-Gaston hosted by IRRPP at UIC, where they talked about building a collective vision of liberation. It was so incredibly good for my spirit. So much wisdom, truth, and honesty.

Mariame Kaba said many things that challenged me, and one of them was how we need to be widening our circles. My body’s reaction was BUT NO!!!. She talked about how the network needs to get bigger and we need to make more friends to build the future we want to see. But I don’t want more friends!! I can barely keep up with the ones I have! I have so many people left unread literally right now!

As I said: confronted.

I cognitively know that we need each other. Mutual aid and organizing (with literal humans) is our way towards the world we want to see. But humans are so consistently disappointing. I was looking at the organizers and thought leaders on the panel, and I whispered to my friend next to me about how they have seen harm and been majorly let down in their lifetime over and over again - WAY more than what we have seen. We probably have no idea the extent of it. Yet, they are speaking from their souls and encouraging us to widen our circles. I could cry, because I know it’s the truth - and I so don’t want to.

The flip side is certain and dark. That’s how the empire wins - if we dig our heals in our individualism. If we think we don’t need each other. If our pride gets in the way of connection. If we silo ourselves and simmer in the what if they betray me and us. If we don’t take risks. The empire wins.

Mariame Kaba spoke about being grounded in the possibilities.

This substack is about liberatory imagination, because I want to strengthen my center. Strengthen my gaze towards our North Star. I can feel my spirit recognizing how she feels wobbly. Praying for increase of faith…I sure need it to endure the unknown-ness of the future and people’s behavior. On the flip side, I need to look in the mirror. Alot of the fear with people is fear that I will be someone who will be kicked to the curb. Can I allow people to show up as fully human? Can I allow myself to show up as fully human? It’s scary to think that I will continue to make mistakes.

What I do know is that keeping myself accountable is hand in hand on where we are going towards - free of police and prisons. Transformative justice is key to creating a culture where there is accountability and true opportunities of growth. Gotta practice what I preach.

As I reflect on my upbringing, I see that my parents are always taking relational risks. They have been hurt and were burned many many times I’m sure. And they probably did the same to others. Yet they keep on trying. In a country that rejects them, they keep on trying to build community. I wrote about this in the last post, and it is still resonating. I have to try.

I don’t know what will happen and I don’t need to. I just need to try.

What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?

Someone on the panel (I think it was Avalon Betts-Gaston) said that at the end of your life there should be so many people gathered around you. Your community should extend so deep and wide. And if you don’t have friends around you, that’s a problem.

Liberatory Imagination sparks in me roots that continue to grow deeper and wider as I age. The deeper and wider my roots get, the deeper and wider my community becomes. I will surround myself with folks dedicated to building the world we want to see with unity and diverse strategies. Harm will be reduced and true accountability will be embraced free from policing (systemically and relationally.)

How to support me (thank you in advance):

Currently, I’m in between jobs and would appreciate any support you can afford.

* I’m changing my ask! Before, I was asking folks to become a paid subscriber, but instead - please don’t go through substack. Subscribe for free (all my posts will be available to t

he public), but set up a monthly or annual recurring payment with me directly on venmo - </stro