/ To watch this substack via video recording - scroll to the bottom!/

Loneliness comes in so many shapes and textures. I remember sitting in my bedroom I shared with my sister when I was 7, and I was praying to God for help. The bedroom was (and still is) purple. My sister and I shared bunk beds - the top was mine and the bottom was hers. In the corner of the small room was a desk with one of those deep drawers people used to file papers. In that drawer, I hid my diary where I wrote out so many cries for help. My mom’s nervous system was as sensitive as a mouse trap. It took basically nothing to set her off, and then your day was over.

As I prayed, I felt a kind of loneliness that was suffocating me. There wasn’t anyone whom I could talk to or run to. There was no way out. The air in that room was so thick. The people who were supposed to protect me were the ones hurting me, and they told me it was my fault. That I was the problem.

Fast forward to a few years later, when I was 12 or so…I dreamed of a boyfriend coming into my life and saving me with tender kisses and soft tones. He would say, “Don’t worry about anything, I've got it from here.” How I daydreamed of that moment!

I spent most of my childhood daydreaming about scenes of other timelines. Daydreaming about being light as a feather, floating around without a worry. Daydreaming about relationships that were full of softness and passion. Daydreaming about conversations that were present and understanding.

Above is a screenshot of a video my parents sent me recently. I’m probably 4 years old in this photo. I’m in a daze…probably somewhere else in my head.

I just watched this tiktok, where the creator talked in a very honest way about loneliness. They share how they don’t have a best friend, and when they do try to make friends, it doesn’t feel reciprocal or the other person is mean to them. They go on about how it’s so hard to trust people when the track record is so bad. And then they see these toxic people have all these friends who have their back…in contrast, they have no one. The only times they felt seen were when they had romantic partners.

This video hit a nerve for me, because it felt so deeply human and familiar. The comments are all these people saying they feel like this too. So lonely. Trapped and suffocating from the human need for connection not being met.

It’s so ironic how there are so many humans around, and yet we can be so isolated and hungry for human presence.

It made me think about how the empire is grinning.

Loneliness is such a great way to disarm the collective.

If collectivism and people power threaten the empire structure, loneliness and isolation will strengthen empire.

Cults know this well. Isolation is one of the most effective ways to manipulate people. When you take away a human need, you can then use that need to lure them into behavior you deem fit. We all want belonging, to be seen, to be loved. And we should all have access to those things! That’s the juicy part about being alive.

White supremacy and capitalism are a cult. In the same way christian nationalism is a cult.

How does empire want lonely people to cope? Buy stuff. Spend money. Spend more money to dull the pain. Create parasocial relationships through social media. Be obsessed with getting married and having kids.

It is strategic for empire to block us from the necessary resources towards beautiful relationships. It is strategic that we were fed the message that romantic love is the purpose of life. It is strategic that we were taught that having kids is the only way to ensure that we will be taken care of in old age. It is strategic.

It’s a threat! Do you know how many times people have told me (especially in the christian church) that I should consider more angles of [fill in the blank] topic? Consider more people’s opinions and standpoints. I shouldn’t be so quick to write people off…WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? They are a homophobic/transphobic/bigoted a*****e/etc. WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH THEM????

The threat is that if I keep being strong on my “stances”, I’ll have no one. My mom was advising me not to be so harsh, because I would have no one left. She told me friendships are so much harder to make and maintain when you’re older. I believe it, and in a way she’s not wrong that friendships are hard to maintain. But I resist being friends with certain people at the expense of other people’s dignity.

I’m doubling down.

From my lived experience, the clearer and stronger I am with my values and integrity, the stronger and more tender my relationships become. There are fewer of them for sure! But I’ve never had such resilient and beautiful relationships in my life as in this moment.

I’m not saying that when you’re confident in your values, you will automatically have loving people in your life. Nothing is a given. But what I am saying is not betraying ourselves and our integrity is worth betting on.

I don’t believe that people are disposable, but there are standards on who gets to have close proximity to me.

The standard isn’t perfection, it’s alignment.

I need to be strategic with my relational energy. With consistent low capacity, I need my inner circle to have the same emotional/spiritual maturity as I. And honestly, even outside of my inner circle, there are standards. This oppressive colonial world is pressing down on me so hard, and my energy needs to be used intentionally. No one can convince me that watering down my standards will protect me from being lonely.

I know how it feels to be surrounded by people who say they love you, but be completely alone and isolated.

In contrast, I also know the joy of being physically alone and so content in my relationships.

This past month, I read Love in a F*cked Up World by Dean Spade and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It is so important that we figure out how to be in relationship with each other as the world is on fire. We need to learn how to be honest with ourselves and one another in tenderness. We need to learn how to keep OURSELVES accountable (thankful for teachers like Mia Mingus). We need to practice breaking relational cycles of fear and past resentment however unfair and unjust.

That’s the only way we can forge a new path towards the world we want to build. We cannot do it alone.

The tiktok made me think about how so many people do not have the tools or opportunities to have healthy relationships. We all have so much trauma both systemically and personally. Even in the examples the creator gives, I can hear that those people who mistreated them also want belonging, but they lack introspection and personal integrity.

In the organizing space, it’s no different. People usually come in with good intentions, but with the combo of little practice of introspection + self-accountability and weak personal integrity…it goes to s**t. It sets off a ping pong of reactions and other people’s triggers. The mission of the space is derailed once again.

We should have access to FREE support around relationships from a decolonial lens.

(Prayyyying that I could be instrumental in that in the future.)

I wish I could transport myself and materialize to little Tiffany and say: You have so many loving people in your future. Relationships you can’t even dream of. You will learn how to love and be loved in such a tender way. You will redefine family in a way that will be so freeing. God will always be with you and for you. You will always have me, and I will fight for a beautiful chosen family for you.

What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?

A world where belonging and being truly loved is as ordinary as air. Best friends are abundant. Working through conflict and tension is a given and even a little boring. A world where the responsibility of caring for children and the elderly is so shared that there are no definitions like “biological family.”

I pray that the Sumud Flotilla will safely arrive in Gaza and that the food will be delivered without any killings.

How to Support Me!

I’m going to try something new! For those who don’t know, I run a shop called More Liberation. I’ve been trying to experiment with more ways to figure out how to make rent. So here it is! I’m going to be posting a sticker here every time I write, and you can buy it from me directly.

The vinyl stickers are perfect for water bottles, laptops, notebooks, and light poles.

This Land Back sticker is aprox. 2.5x2”

Cost (shipping included): $5 - domestic. $6 - international.

If you want this sticker:

* Email me [ tiffany@liberatoryimagination.com ]:

* Your mailing info: Name + Address

* Design name: This one is “Land Back”

* Venmo me at @ tiffanywongart

(Also, feel free to buy me a cup of coffee through venmo (@ tiffanywongart)!)

Thanks for tuning in!

LIBERATORY IMAGINATION is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Get full access to LIBERATORY IMAGIN