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It’s maddening and laughable, because I was taught that if I focused my whole life on god (or at least who I was told god was) then I would live a righteous life. In bible school (yes I went to a private christian collage), I so vividly remember these two images in one of the bible classes.

The first image: numerous dots surrounding god and they are chaotically going in random directions with no balance. The second image portrays those same dots neatly surrounding god, pointing in towards god, in perfect balance. I remember how it really clicked in my head: “WOW. How can it be any clearer?! Makes total sense, and it confirms everything I know and feel. If I just focus on God, then everything else will snap into place.” I breathed and lived for god (I mean, I cheated ALOOOOTTT in college, but who cares - god understood.)

I’ve written this before, but I really miss that kind of unprincipled peace. The kind that let’s you walk with a bounce, because you got it all figured out - the purpose of life, how it all started, what happens after death, what you can and cannot do, and what I need to personally do to please god. That kind of clarity on top of existential superiority is so fun. Everyone at my church knew me, because I led music. Saying hi to so many people was exhilarating. Did any of those people actually know me or have my back in any way? No, but I didn’t know that yet.

After college, I got deep into leadership with a church that I thought was more progressive. LOL. It felt like a cool and grounded church, but in reality it was just as patriarchal, white supremacist, and homophobic as any ol’ church. My ego ate it up though, because being a token woman of color - I felt “loved and heard” - at least 20 percent of the time. And I was cool with it! Change takes time!

I spent hours prepping and practicing for music every week (below is a photo of me in 2022 deep in my church era - I’m looking off in the distance playing the guitar). Hours in meetings about initiatives. Hours in meetings about the “vision” of the church. Hours in meetings about meetings about meetings about meetings. SO MUCH TALKING. With nothing to show for it. Nothing ever happened. Except for an egg hunt for the kids during easter.

Those decades are formative to who I am today, but I grieve. I lost all those hours and weeks and years laboring for free. I believed it my choice, but was it? Other than my ego getting stroked and experiencing the facade of “community,” was I better off? HELL NO. The thought of all those hours of listening to men talk nauseates me. All those hours of listening to “diverse view points” and “spirit led” blasphemy was sickening. And not to forget…I gave CASH MONEY to the church, because I was taught to tithe (give 10% of your income to the church).

For what?? A tinnnyyy fraction of the budget helped people in financial need. We were able to go on trips and retreats on that church budget. The church supported missionaries. *GAGGING*

The success of mobilizing a few hundred people went to…nothing. People had the semblance of community and maybe made some friends, but it was nothing more than a social club. They loooved talking about how the church is not a social club - ironic. There are real life people who need CASH MONEY to pay for rent and food, but the church didn’t actually care. They didn’t actually care about addressing white supremacy and colonization. They knew how to use key words to seem relevant. Push comes to shove, no one is willing to sacrifice their comfort for real work or change.

Obviously that’s a huge generalization, but that’s what I saw with my very own two eyes. Even in writing this, I can feel my blood boil. It’s so wrong to use the umbrella of Jesus’ teachings to neglect people who are outside the doors - who need homes, food, and shelter from ICE. And it doesn’t count to volunteer at a homeless shelter 2x a year. I’m still actively grieving not using my energy and resources in a materially helpful way all those years…let alone the religious trauma.

When I finally left the church for good, I was so angry. Everything the church taught me about chaos (like in that illustration) was wrong. My life didn’t crumble because I was leaving the church and the faith. I didn’t fall into sin (at least in my definition). I was taught that people who didn’t have Jesus in their heart were lying to themselves in believing that they had peace or were happy. I was taught it was all a facade. When I left, I saw that the people outside the church were just as miserable as the people in the church. Actually, christians are some of the most tortured, discontent, and immoral people I’ve ever witnessed.

When I finally left the church for good, I had agency to actually walk in alignment. The weight of obligation and spiritual guilt lifted off of my shoulders. OMG I had no idea how heavy it was. I always felt bad I didn’t pray and read the bible more. It was always weighing on me that my relationship with god wasn’t stronger. The peace I felt after leaving was deeper and truer than anything I experienced. In my soul, I know Jesus would have been proud of me!

Instead of being in meeting after meeting, I took control of my energy and how I allocated it. Years later, I’m still figuring out how to be a loving friend, partner, and local/global neighbor. Because I don’t have spiritual obligation and guilt taking up space in my being, I can own up to my decisions fully. I’m not showing up truthfully because I should as a christian…I’m showing up truthfully because I choose to practice integrity.

Self accountability can only happen when I’m not functioning out of obligation and guilt.

Something I have my eyes and ears out for is the same pitfalls the church had in the organizing space. All I know is that any space where people gather is susceptible to losing the whole plot and obeying narcissist leaders.

Just because a space isn’t religious doesn’t mean that the same systemic harm can’t exist. Wow triple negatives! Cults are cults whatever form they take. In my book, a cult is where people are exploited for their bodies and their labor, usually led by a person or group of people who are in it for themselves. Typically it’s for money, but it could be for sexual gratification or just ego/control, or all of above.

In the christian church, people are exploited for their bodies and their labor in exchange for the sense of existential certainty, a feeling of belonging, moral superiority, and “community.” Who benefits? Usually it’s white men (sometimes white women and sometimes men of color) who are the pastors and leaders. They get literally paid by people’s tithes or/and they get their ego stroked. I’m not even going to get into MAGA churches and how all those votes are manufactured by the US and israel.

I gotta be honest, some of these political spaces look more like cults than revolutionary spaces. There’s alot of talk and little action…lots and lots of meetings…more talk…performative actions…very little material difference. People are finding belonging and friends, but at what cost? All I’m saying is that I won’t be surprised when I find out there is financial fraud or that a prominent person in the group has been abusing people. It’s sad. I don’t wish that on any group or anyone.

Having come from a background where that was normalized, I feel super guarded.

I’m reading Abolish the Family by Sophia Lewis and I just finished Earthlings by Sayaka Murata. They both address our function under empire and what the system expects of us in order to be deemed as valuable to them. It is ALL about exploitation of our bodies and labor. Earthlings was a creative and provocative book that I’m still churning on.

Something that I loved being brought to light is: what is considered as taboo? And who is protecting abusers?

Being an unwed and child free woman is socially unacceptable (kinda taboo if you think about it), and there are many punishments for that behavior. Pedophilia is taboo for sure, but who is protected the majority of the time in a society that doesn’t value children?

I highly recommend the book, but please read through the very intense trigger warning list before starting the book.

What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?

A day where we don’t have to figure out how to resist and survive (like this image of a bee barely hanging on). Surviving seems so impossible as we are still witnessing the genocide in Palestine a year and 6 months later…as we are witnessing devastating earthquakes and tsunamis…the abduction of people off the streets…trans siblings having all their rights stripped away…surviving itself feels so impossible. Liberatory Imagination sparks in me a future where we don’t need to “choose” between bowing down to the empire or death. Either way it is death. Liberatory Imagination sparks in me a future where we have the context and environment to actually thrive. There’s no thriving here, baby. We can have glimpses and glimmers, but until the empire has been burnt to the f*****g ground…there is no thriving.

I have a new event coming up virtually! We will be gathering on April 15 Wed 7-8:30 pm CST. Registration is based on sliding scale (free is an option). For more info and to register: <a href="http://tiffanywongvisualart.com/journal-together-april25" target="_bla