This past tuesday, my neck and shoulder flared up.

The first time I consciously noticed the correlation of my body pain and spiritual pain was when my boss of that time said something that empathized with the pig that shot Laquan McDonald. Something like how hard it must be for him and his family. I felt this cold drip extend from my spine upwards into my right shoulder and then to my neck. The next day, I could barely move my neck.

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From there, I started processing how my body reacts when injustice happens around me or to me. I also saw another theme around truth suppression and truth speaking especially around my neck pain. The correlation isn’t a stretch, because it literally is in my throat center. But making that connection continues to be illuminating for me.

On wednesday, I put my hands on my neck and shoulder and asked what my body wants me to hear. Sitting in the pain and stiffness, my body had a lot to say. Immediately, she told me I’ve been moving really fast and there’s fear in what slowness will uncover…but she can’t keep up with the speed. And what if I trusted her in slowing down and be in the sadness and grief. So that’s what I did. I spent all of Thursday in bed. Surprisingly, I didn’t slump into a state of deep depression. Yay.

Ever since that day, I’ve been sitting in the physical and spiritual pain testing my capacity.

I led a liberatory imagination workshop thursday. (It was so beautiful to gather with aligned souls!) I heard myself speak about how it takes courage to believe that something else is possible (a world free of colonization, empire, capitalism, genocide, cops, prisons, etc.) - it actually makes the horror of what we are witnessing more horrifying to think that an alternative world is actually possible. I heard myself and conviction hit me.

The universe has been teaching me lessons about liberation - how there needs to be integration of my political theory into the details of my life - particular relational life. Woof. Healing from emotional abandonment from my parents and having had an incredibly cruel ex, my abandonment wound has changed so many forms and is currently raw. So when I heard myself talk about the capacity for courage for something else…it hit me in the arena of my partnerships and community.

Being betrayed by community and romantic partners is so predicable...or so it feels.

How can I practice imagining a possibility where I can build connections that are based in honesty and love?…AND have margin for being human.

I have the opportunity to do that right now in my community and with my partner, and I’m terrified.

My gaping abandonment wound has been dysregulating me like none other the past few days. On top of the trauma of witnessing genocide, feeling the crushing weight of capitalism and witnessing the effects of the empire everywhere I look is triggering for my innerchild as a baseline (I wrote more about it in Innerchild Work + Activism.)

The continuing dysregulation is exhausting. I honestly don’t know what to do.

Watching other people be normal makes me mad sometimes. Part of me is resentful that I can’t find that kind of ease in my life. Another part of me is afraid they are normal because of the indulgence of privilege. And another part is afraid I might find ease in my life and that would be me indulging in ignorance.

Cognitively, I have so many things I know I could do - being that I’m a nerd about the nervous system and somatics. But the call for transformation is held in the body and not just the mind.

The call for transformation is held in the body and not just the mind.
The call for transformation is held in the body and not just the mind.

What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?

Praying for courage in the face of fear and loss. Courage to believe that not only that a free Palestine, freedom from empire, freedom from exploitation is possible…but is coming. Courage to believe that in this lifetime I can have beautiful community and partnerships in its complexity and imperfection…courage to not only believe that its possible but to see it in its presence. Praying for courage to accept the good and the miraculous in the sea of grief.

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues because, without courage, you can't practice any other virtues consistently.” - Maya Angelou

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(ID: self portrait of me - east asian femme with short bangs, bleached brows, hair behind me, in my apartment on a sunny day. The sweet shadow of plants are across my chest.)

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