Sex is supposed to bring us closer, but sometimes it becomes something else—obligation, reassurance, or quiet avoidance.

You say yes because it feels easier than saying no. Your partner pushes for closeness hoping it will fix the distance. Both of you are trying to connect, but end up feeling lonelier than before.

In this episode, Rachel unpacks the difference between solace sex—sex used as a band-aid for disconnection—and safe sex, the kind that grows from empathy, curiosity, and nervous system safety.

You’ll learn why survival strategies often take over in the bedroom, how attachment patterns like anxious pursuit and avoidant withdrawal collide, and why even “tender” sex can leave partners feeling drained when it’s driven by fear instead of aliveness.

Drawing from both client stories and her own marriage, Rachel explores:

• Why saying yes out of duty or fear can quietly erode connection.
• How your nervous system confuses sex with safety—and what to do when that happens.
• What research (including Emily Nagoski’s) says about empathy and communication as the real predictors of great sex.
• Three questions that can help you shift from survival mode to genuine connection:

1. What would bring me connection right now?
2. What might help my body feel more alive?
3. Am I willing to speak that out loud and see if my partner can meet me there?

This episode isn’t about blaming or fixing—it’s about noticing. Because when you can tell the difference between sex that soothes fear and sex that nurtures safety, you can begin to rebuild intimacy that restores instead of depletes.

Key Quote

“Solace sex may ease tension for a moment, but it leaves partners emptier. Safe sex builds honesty and aliveness—it’s where empathy replaces performance.”

Listen + Connect

If this episode hit home, share it with a friend or partner who needs to hear it.

Resources

Free 7 Day Email Course:

Break the Cycle: 7 Days to Break the Cycle of Conflict