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Up to just 2 years ago, I thought it was my destiny to have children…like birth them from my literal body or through adoption. Being a future mother felt synonymous with me since I was little. I’ve always been really good with kids and everywhere I went people commented how I will be an amazing mom one day. I remember so many times growing up when I would be in the kitchen helping my mom make dinner, and she would say how this is training me to be a good future mom and wife. Every time she said that, I didn’t cringe. It warmed my heart thinking about me grating ginger for my future family.

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For two decades of my life, I took care of children for a living! I freaking loved being a nanny. I loved playing and taking care of little ones, and I still do. I loved picking up the baby after nap time and getting their snacks ready. So what happened in the past 2 years? Is it my age that made me suddenly have a change of heart?

I almost froze my eggs.

From 2021-22, I did ALOT of research about freezing my eggs. Early 30’s is when people say you should do it before it’s too late. Too late. Too late. I kept on hearing that and I kept on saying it.

I was in a long term committed relationship at the time and kids were a possibility with that partner. (Side note - I thank the universe every day for saving me from having kids with that man. He ended being a lying and manipulative piece of s**t.)

At that time I was 100% sure I would have a kid with or without a partner, but I really hoped it was with my then boyfriend. I learned that freezing your eggs is very expensive (10-15k), it doesn’t guarantee a successful pregnancy, you might need to do multiple rounds if you want a higher chance of conceiving later, and freezing your eggs fertilized makes the eggs more stable. In the end, I didn’t want to be in debt and would take a chance on things working out naturally.

After the breakup, I felt free. And then after uncovering all the ways my ex lied to me after the breakup, I felt EXTRA free. I got to embody principles and values I couldn’t when I was dating that piece of garbage (I don’t usually like to classify any human as garbage, but you would agree if you knew what he did).

Throwing away the relationship ladder.

Finally I was able to live into my queerness not as an abstract idea, but a tangible way of life. It was healing to connect and love people of different genders excluding cis men. But - let me tell you - untangling the tricky ways of comphet (compulsive heteronormativity) and patriarchy is an ongoing struggle. It’s so much more than who you are romantically connected to. It’s getting into the nitty gritty and questioning it all on a body level.

Part of embodying queerness was getting rid of the relationship ladder. Dating→partnership→moving in together→getting married→having kids. The whole thing is trash. It robs us of true choice and consent. It makes us become little capitalism machines churning out humans to feed the capitalism machine. It strips us of having relationships and connections that are rooted in authenticity and accountability.

I’m not saying that all relationships that follow the relationship ladder are fake or unhappy or unsuccessful…I’m saying that without clear alternative paths (that are available and respected), it’s not much of a consensual choice. Going to repeat myself again: truly liberating ourselves from patriarchy and systems of oppression cannot be stuck on an intellectual basis.

But I get it. Like what I wrote in the last post, there are real life consequences (socially/economically) when you don’t submit to empire’s wishes for you. If you don’t follow the relationship ladder in a cishet relationship, there are punishments. Many of them are lethal.

How much was the desire for kids selfish?

How much was the desire of having kids spoon fed to me by patriarchy/capitalism and how much was it actually from me?

To expound on that, part of it was that I wanted to see a mini me. I wanted to raise a child and do better than my parents. I wanted to give a child the household I wish I had. I wanted to feel what it’s like to have a human grow inside of me. I wanted to have a baby that adored me and needed me. I wanted all the snuggles and sweet baby breaths. I wanted to have a toddler who would be delighted to see me enter the room. I wanted to be able to choose their little clothes and style their hair. I wanted to do night time baths and bedtime book time. I wanted to have open and honest communication. I wanted to create a household that was safe for their big feelings. I wanted a tangible way of passing on my legacy. I wanted a full grown adult to hug me and say they couldn’t have solved world hunger without me. And once again, I wanted to blubber over my mini me, who would be the cutest thing ever.

(Above: a photo of my mom and me. Omg look at me…I’m SO CUTE.)

When I looked at the reasons why I wanted children, I couldn’t justify it.

Those weren’t good enough reasons to bring a human into this world. Side-note: I’m not going to get into adoption here, because that’s a whole other complex conversation.

To answer my leading question: yes the desire is selfish. All those reasons center me and my ego.

Reasons why I choose not to have kids:

1 . In this economy??

I can barely make rent.

2. Under this empire??

This empire wants to either kill the children or make them into slaves (prison or to capitalism).

3. With my unstable state??

I am mentally/emotionally unwell and traumatized. If push comes to shove, I think I could rise to the occasion, but that’s a huge question mark. There are so many moments where I just thank god I don’t have children when I just need to crawl into my bed and disappear…or when I’m overstimulated and feel like screaming.

4. In this timeline??

If I were a floating soul, I wouldn’t want to be birthed into this timeline.

I love children.

I know people will continue to have kids and they won’t regret it. This is not sarcastic - I’m happy for them. And no shade to anyone! Children are incredible and such a gift. The reason why I don’t want kids isn’t because I don’t value them anymore. It’s because I’ve pivoted how I see family and community. I have the peace that there will always be children in my life, and I hope to be a loving community member in raising those children. For how society is structured, I don’t think I have the means to raise children, and in deconstructing my desire for kids - I’m not sure if I will ever have any valid reasons to have them. That feels peaceful in my body.

The rush I felt in my late 20’s going into my 30’s to have kids was so unfair. I hate that I felt that weight in watching my “biological clock” tick. Having that pressure lift off of me is a blessing. Honestly, who knows what life will bring me. All I know is that my responsibility is to heal from this oppressive system as much as I can while living from my values.

(Below is me - the older one, my baby sister, and my stylish mom.)

What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?

A world where children are actually valued. People like to think that they care about children, but it comes out real fast they don’t if they are Black or brown or poor. The images of babies in Gaza…in the NICU…left to die…is seared into my body forever. The countless kids who were martyred. Hearing from children about their accounts of watching their siblings being killed. Girls in sudan being systemically sexually assaulted. Black children who are fed into the school to prison pipeline, which is just another word for slavery. Just yesterday an autistic teenager was shot 9 times by the police. This world hates children.

Liberatory imagination asks me: what am I doing to contribute to a world where children are loved and protected?

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