Have you asked, “Can a husband sexually abuse his wife?” The answer is yes. When it happens, it’s difficult for a woman to understand what’s going on.

Do you need support? Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.

Even when she does, her husband is rarely held accountable by therapists, clergy, and family – let alone the law.

Sexual abuse is a serious crime and victims suffer devastating trauma as a result of their abuser’s choices. But women can heal and find peace again with support, safety, and self-care.

Sandy, an incredibly courageous member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community shares her story of intense and traumatizing sexual betrayal and rape, and how she identified it abuse. Even when it was happening to her she didn’t know her husband was sexually abusing her. Read the full transcript below.

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Transcript: Can A Husband Sexually Abuse His Wife?

Anne: A member of our community. Sandy is on today’s episode. Not her real name, she’s using an alias. Because she’s going to be talking about how she experienced sexual abuse. The perpetrator was her husband. We won’t go into details. Welcome, Sandy. Why don’t you just go ahead and start where you want to start.

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A Husband Can Sexually Abuse His Wife By Sharing Explicit Photos

Sandy: It’s hard to know where to start because I feel like the timeline is complicated. I was raped by my husband and then about a week after that happened. I found out that there were pictures of me on pornography sites. They were two completely separate incidences because the pictures happened about eight years before. I just didn’t know about them until a friend of mine told me. She said I don’t think you know this but he puts pictures of you on porn sites.

Anne: Wow. So you’re raped by your husband and then a week later, a friend says, you might not be aware, but there are some pictures of you on a porn site.

Sandy: When I heard that, I don’t even know how to describe it. It was like horror. The sentence can knock the wind out of you and just make your spirit, my soul, like just torn apart. That’s the only way I can describe it.

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Sexually Abusive Men Dismiss Their Partner’s Feelings & Desires

Sandy: I went home and I asked my husband if it was true, are pictures of me on porn sites? He said, yes. I look back now and I think about that as the end of everything. We were married for 13 years at that point, but we were together for 15. This person that I had loved for 15 years, it’s like he didn’t exist anymore. I didn’t know who this person was who would do this to me.

Sandy: At that point, I hadn’t identified what he had done to me as rape.

Anne: Can you describe what you thought at the time had happened?

Sandy: I knew it was not good. I knew it wasn’t loving. It was very confusing. Why it was happening, what was going on. We had just had this terrible fight. The next thing I knew, he followed me up to the bedroom and I had my bathing suit on. I was taking it off. And the next I know, we’re having sex, and I didn’t know why. I thought if I would ask him to stop, then he would yell at me more.

Clergy, Faith-Communities, & Friends Can Help Victims Of Marital Sexual Abuse

Sandy: I talked about this with some with some friends, and they said, that’s rape. I said he didn’t pin me down, didn’t hurt me. They said, yeah, but he didn’t have your consent. I said, no, I didn’t realize that at that point, there are actually degrees of rape. The rape hotline online support has first, second, third and fourth different grades or degrees of rape.

It was actually third or fourth degree rape. Friends and leadership from my church at the time told me, this is rape, call this hotline. They’ll point you in the right direction. You need to get help. And they kept pushing me to get help because they were very much, you’ll heal faster if you process this right away. This is sexual abuse.

Anne: That’s not very common that your church people were telling you it was rape. I actually haven’t heard a story like this in a really long time.

Sandy: Yeah, I definitely feel the Holy Spirit watching out for me, putting people in my life to really push me in the right direction.

Anne: That’s not a very common thing for clergy to help a rape victim identify the rape, especially when it’s her own spouse.

Sandy: And he didn’t punch me. He didn’t push me down.

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Seeking Therapy & Reflecting On The Relationship

Sandy: They were really the ones who urged me to go to therapy by myself for sexual abuse and trauma. It wasn’t one of these, “Oh, you guys need to get into couples counseling.” The church, all the friends I had, they were like, you need to heal from this before you can ever work on a relationship again. The same thing for him, they were like, he obviously has major issues. He needs to figure out what those are and get help for them before he can be in a relationship with you.

I felt like that all started me out on the right track, even though it was the harder track in some ways because I was very much just wanting things to get back to normal. I wanted my life back. Not to say that I had this perfect relationship or something like that. We definitely had issues.

Anne: Are you saying that at the time you didn’t really understand the extent of the issues?

Sandy: Yes. That’s a better way

Anne: Okay. So at the time you’re thinking, I know we have issues, but really, do I have to go through all this stuff?

Sandy: Yeah, I knew that it was bigger.

Men Sexually Abuse Their Wives By Stalking & Recording Them Without Consent

Sandy: Once I found out about the pictures especially, yes, there is more going on here than I ever realized. I thin