Voicing the agony of betrayal trauma can come in many different forms. Ralynne Riggs, a professional singer and victim of betrayal and abuse, shares her experience. She created a YouTube cover of the song Anything Worth Holding On To.

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Transcript: Voicing the Agony Of Betrayal

Anne: I’ve posted the music video we’re talking about today on our YouTube channel. So after you’ve listened to this episode, find our channel on YouTube. Search Betrayal Trauma Recovery or BTR.ORG. Look for our logo and colors.

This music video really captures the emotions that women go through when they’re experiencing betrayal trauma. So many women feel this way. They’re going to relate when they see it. Once you see it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s incredible. And I really want to get this video out there.

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The Agony Of Betrayal: Help Us Go Viral

Anne: So maybe with your help. We can get it to go viral. Anything you can do to help us go viral would be greatly appreciated. So go to YouTube and watch it. Like it, share it, subscribe to our YouTube channel.

Ralynne Voices Her Agony Through Music

Anne: Ralynne Riggs is the woman who created this music video. She was born and raised in Chandler, Arizona. Her passions include singing, dancing, acting, horseback riding, baking and making movies. As you will see when you go to our YouTube channel. As well as being the favorite aunt to her beautiful nieces and nephews.

Since she was young, her greatest passion has been the stage. She received her bachelor’s degree in vocal performance from Brigham Young University and has performed as a leading soprano throughout the U. S., China, and Austria. After graduation, she became a lead singer for Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida and on a Disney cruise line.

Ralynne has learned the importance of hard work, confidence, self worth, and perseverance in bringing one’s dreams to life. Her mantra is you can do anything. If you just do it. Welcome Ralynne.

Ralynne: Thank you so much Anne.

Anne: So I’m hoping by this time people have paused this podcast. They’ve gone to our YouTube channel. They have seen this amazing music video that you made. I hope they shared it and commented. I’m hoping that they’re letting their friends and family know about this incredible video. Also that they’re understanding that this can help their friends and family. And other people understand the pain that victims go through.

So you were prompted to create this video to help educate people about betrayal trauma.

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Initial Discovery Of His Betrayal

Anne: But before we get to that and what happens with that, let’s start with your own personal story. Did you know about your husband’s pornography addiction before you married?

Ralynne: I did know a little bit about his addiction before we were married. There was one night when after things were more serious in our dating that he approached me. He said there were things in his past that he wanted to make me aware of. So that I truly knew everything about him. He shared with me that he struggled with pornography throughout his teenage years.

But you know, I was kind of naive to the problem, to how serious a pornography addiction could be. What that all entailed. I didn’t know the right questions to ask. I thought, well no one’s perfect, and I asked him if he had struggled with it since. Because he said he had cleaned up and didn’t struggle with it at all.

To me, I thought, well, that was brave of him to bring that up with me and share it with me. And I believed him and I didn’t know what else to ask about it.

The Agony Betrayal: Your Husband Is Lying To You

Anne: Even if you had, because we know that pornography users often lie about their pornography use. Or abusive men often lie and manipulate. So even if you had known the so-called right questions to ask, that likely wouldn’t have helped you.

What we find helps women more, and you know this now, is what behaviors to look for. And you also didn’t know that at the time. What was your reaction to his disclosure about viewing and acting out with pornography after you married?

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The Agony Of Betrayal: Infidelity

Ralynne: Well it was about five months into our marriage that he called me very distraught and crying. And telling me that I needed to come home because he needed me. I didn’t know what was going on. And then I got home. He shares with me that he viewed and acted out to pornography. In my mind I was thinking, okay. So all of a sudden after four or five years of not viewing pornography, you’ve gone back to it.

Why? So, as a new bride, I of course was sitting there in utter shock. I felt immediately like it had something to do with me. Was I not enough? Why would he go back to this now? And I mostly was just in shock and disbelief. But he also seemed so sorry when he told me that. My immediate reaction was, I love you.

Thank you for being honest with me and telling me about it. Let’s go meet with our bishop and get a therapist and start working through this together. I literally told him, use me when you need to use me, let’s be open and get through this together. Use me as far as, if you’re feeling tempted, talk to me, tell me when you’ve done it.

Let’s be open and honest. Part of me was like, hey, well, if you’re feeling the urge. Hello, we married. Let me know, like, why would you turn to that instead of turning to me, your wife? I know now, that those were a lot of the wrong things to do.

Not Understanding The Need For Safety During The Agony Of Betrayal

Anne: I’m guessing you didn’t understand the emotional abuse that you experienced.

Ralynne: Not at all.

Anne: And I’m guessing, you also didn’t understand, boundaries or keeping yourself safe?

Ralynne: I knew nothing about that because it did not register in my mind that anything had been done to me. At that point.

Anne: Yeah, you’re just thinking, Oh, this is too bad for him, but I can help him through it. Kind of like he got a broken finger or something. Describe what happened in your personal life during this time. And what were your days like as you tried to “help” your husband worked through his addiction.

Ralynne: They were pretty awful for me, long story short, I kind of took on the problem. I’m a go getter in all of the things that I do in life.

It’s not surprising to me that I took everything on my shoulders. I became very worried about doing check ins with him. And I was even worried when I talked to him if he was telling me the truth or not. Setting up appointments for