When victims of betrayal and emotional abuse are told things like, “If you have enough faith, God will change your husband.” Or, “You decide whether you are a victim.” These statements are a form of spiritual or new age bypass. What does spiritual bypass mean for victims of emotional abuse? Here’s what you need to know.

If you have heard this kind of messaging and need help getting out of the fog, we would love to see you in a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session.

<figure class="wp-block-image size-full"></figure>

Transcript: What Does Spiritual Bypass Mean? What You Need To Know

Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s podcast. Her name is Tracy, and she is a passionate advocate for betrayed wives. Discovering her husband’s addiction set her on a course of education about betrayal trauma, abuse, spirituality, and healing. Tracy is a devoted mother of four children, a compassionate friend, and an avid runner. Mountains and lakes are her happy place. Mountains and lakes are also my happy place, so we have that in common.

We’re going to start by talking about spiritual bypass. I think the main issue is abusers used spiritual bypass, clergy or even therapists to build up abusers and keep victims trapped.

Tracy: Absolutely. Okay. Wow. You’re jumping right into the meat of things. Spiritual bypass is such a complex topic.

Understanding What Spiritual Bypass Means

Anne: I’m interested in learning how spiritual concepts are used to abuse women. We’ll get to that a little later, but before we get to that, how can understanding what spiritual bypass means help those seeking to heal from trauma?

Tracy: I’ll just give an example for myself. So my first D-Day was a month after I married. It was very traumatic, very, very traumatic. I didn’t know that I was in trauma. I didn’t know anything about trauma. There was so much I didn’t know. I didn’t have any support system or any real education.

So basically, all I knew was that I was in so much pain, in such a place of darkness. The only way out, it took me two or three days, I don’t remember. Truly being in this dark, dark pit before I realized the only way out was God. And so I went to God in prayer and said, I cannot keep feeling this. I felt like it was going to kill me.

Thinking, “I need to forgive my husband, but don’t know how to forgive him?” I am incapable of forgiving him, but I want to forgive him. And I know you can help me, and it was incredible. I mean, it worked immediately. The darkness lifts, and I fill up with incredible comfort, warmth and peace. Now, I wasn’t healed from trauma. Of course, I didn’t understand trauma or what it meant to thoroughly heal from trauma.

<figure class="wp-block-image aligncenter size-full"></figure>

Recognizing Reality and Spiritual Bypass Meaning Helps Victims of Betrayal and Abuse

Anne: My guess is, this was the first time you knew you were in the abuse cycle. But you found out more later. The other thing you didn’t know at the time was that your husband was abusive. So this to you felt like a miracle that you could move forward and forgive. You didn’t realize that you hadn’t healed from trauma, but also that you weren’t safe.

Tracy: Right, here’s where spiritual bypass can get tricky. Because while that worked for me at that time and helped me, ultimately it kept me stuck in the trauma. It didn’t help me to better understand it or to come to a better understanding of my situation.

Anne: Okay, that’s interesting. I can think of many examples of spiritual bypass. Something like I’m going to let Jesus solve this problem and ta da! It’s solved. Or other ways in which I’m going to turn to God. Mistaking that moment of feeling peace, which is a good thing. You needed to feel peace, and he gave you the gift of peace in that moment. But mistaking a moment of peace for the solution.

Tracy: Absolutely.

The Second D-Day

Tracy: Yeah, and I want to compare that now to my second D-Day, which was 15 years into marriage. I had very little idea that anything was going on between. I did have one small D-day, a year after the first, about a year into marriage. But again, I still did not realize what was going on.

About 15 years in, I found out that this was going on my entire marriage regularly. That obviously my husband had been lying constantly about it, and hiding it. Then all those pieces start to fit together. That explains so much of my experience in this marriage that I did not understand.

So the second one was incredibly traumatic. That happened on a Sunday night, I still remember it late at night. We were in bed talking. And as he began to disclose the reality, my situation started to descend upon me, as I came to terms with that.

<figure class="wp-block-image aligncenter size-full"></figure>

Aftermath Of Second D-Day & Not Knowing What Spiritual Bypass Means

Tracy: I didn’t sleep that night. I think I fell asleep at 6 a.m. and slept for one hour.

And I said, I will not do this again. Because I realized I’d only been through one big cycle of this. I could see that handling it the way I did the first time wasn’t going to cut it. All that was going to do was set me up for more D-Days, and more D-Days, and more D-Days. And continuing to experience spiritual bypass over and over.

Anne: The other thing at the time, I’m guessing, was you did not take into account. That those 15 years you were psychologically abused continually. So you’re not just saying, I’m not going to stand for one more D-Day.

Tracy: Right, absolutely. And I didn’t know what spiritual bypass was at that point. I didn’t even stumble upon this concept until a year after that second D-Day. But this is something I knew inherently in that moment, that moment of truth, right? And so my whole approach to healing was different than that first time.

This was not going to be an event or an arrival. This was going to be a long process. I was going to let myself feel angry for as long as I needed to feel angry. And I start setting boundaries right away without even knowing what a boundary was. I was never introduced to the concept, it was something that I knew.

<figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube">

</figure>

Why Are Spiritual Bypass & New Age Bypass Harmful To Victims Of Betrayal?

Tracy: The lesson I learned was actually good and true. From the first experience, God is real. So it actually did not help me in the context of my relationship. But it helped me personally strengthen my relationship with God. So there was good and truth that came out of that first experience for me personally.

Anne: Let’s talk about that for a minute. You did not feel betrayed by God then? You didn’t look back and say, Oh, he gave me the sense of peace. He gave me the ability to forgive, and that did me wrong.

Tracy: You know, it’s interesting because I felt more betrayed by God after the first D-Day than the second. I don’t know what it was, but something after that second D Day, I instinctively knew some truths right away. And one of them was that this isn’t God. God did not betray me here. My husband did. And I realized that many things started fitting into place quickly. One of those was God was there for me all along.

He was warning me. After that first D-day, I would pray for discernment. Oh, I would pray to know if my husband was honest with me or if