If you’re wondering, “How do I know if my husband is abusive?” You’re not alone. Hearing the stories of other women can help you know what to do next. Coach Jo is a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach who had to ask herself that question in two different marriages.

f you relate with her experience learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions here.

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Your Husband Is Abusive If His Porn Use = Sexual Coercion

Women have the right to information about their partner’s sexual behaviors before choosing to be intimately involved and committed to him. A man is not giving his partner the ability to make informed consent if he withholds information about pornography use.

This is called sexual coercion and it is abusive.

An appropriate conversation would include her partner disclosing the full truth his use of pornography and other sexual behaviors prior to intimate contact.

Often, women find that they are in a relationship for several months or years with a pornography user before discovering his secret sexual behaviors.

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He’s Abusive If He’s Using Psychological Control Tactics

Gaslighting, lying, and manipulation are all psychologically abusive tactics. Psychological abuse differs from emotional abuse in that it is intended to make the victim question her own reality.

Often, psychological abusers will take the stance that they “didn’t do it intentionally” or that it “wasn’t calculated.” Perhaps they didn’t intend for their partner to become so depressed from their abuse that she fantasizes about suicide every day…. or perhaps they didn’t intend for their partner to become so unsure of her reality that she truly wonders if she is insane… but they were intentionally choosing to protect their sexual acting-out behaviors by not being honest and forthright.

Every abuser is completely accountable for their every word and action. The consequences on victims can be overwhelmingly tragic and abusers must face the reality that even if it wasn’t “calculated”, it was still intentional.

Pornography Use is Emotionally Abusive

Betrayed women suffer from Betrayal Trauma. Betrayal Trauma is a symptom of abuse, not addiction. Betrayal in and of itself is emotionally abusive. It creates feelings of immense anguish, rejection, terror, and grief. At BTR, we understand that it’s not “just porn”. We understand that your world is crashing down around you. We’re here for you.

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Transcript: How Do I Know If My Husband Is Abusive?

Anne: I’m so excited to have coach Jo on today’s episode. She’s one of our amazing BTR coaches. All of the coaches here at BTR have been through this and are now able to live free through strategy and boundaries. I’m so passionate about only having women who have been through this on our team.

Jo facilitates Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions and also Betrayal Trauma Recovery Individual Sessions here at BTR. She’s incredible. And I’m so grateful to have her.

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How To Tell If My Husband Is Abusive

Anne: Coach Jo was married to two different abusers. Let’s start with the first one. Did you recognize that he was an abuser at first?

Coach Jo: I didn’t have a clear understanding of what abuse was before we were married. Then pretty quickly it became apparent that there was something wrong, and that it wasn’t safe. I didn’t have the words for that initially, but it became clear very very quickly. It started on the honeymoon.

The second night of the honeymoon he left me in the hotel room for a couple of hours. I had no idea where he had gone. This is pre cell phone. I was distraught and wondering what the heck had happened and what I had gotten myself into.

Is My Husband Emotionally Abusive?

Anne: What happened after this?

Coach Jo: There were explosions at the house, a lot of angry outbursts, a lot of name calling, a lot of breaking things. I had no idea what to do. Then we went on a trip together and got lost in the middle of the night. We were circling around looking for our exit or the connecting road, this was before GPS.

He was cussing and screaming and driving like a maniac. Every time we went over an overpass, he would threaten to drive off the overpass. This went on for probably a good hour and a half. And by the time we reached our destination, I locked myself in the bathroom and couldn’t move. There was 20 years of that kind of behavior. We have five children together.

Anne: How did you describe his behavior when you didn’t know it was abuse?

Coach Jo: I told one relative and she said communicate better, try not to trigger him, walk on eggshells around him. It never even occurred to me to ask myself, is my husband abusive?

I did bring it to clergy. Of course my husband was in the room too, and the response that I got was, “Has he hit you?” And the answer was no. Then he said, “So what’s the problem?”

Seeking Help & Not Understanding That My Husband Is Abusive

Anne: At BTR, we are interfaith, but also inter-paradigm. In fact we have women who work here from various different faiths, also who are agnostic. Wherever a client is, is where we meet them. Would you mind sharing what your specific faith is?

Coach Jo: I am Catholic, this was the only priest that I have encountered personally that had that kind of an attitude .

Anne: This particular priest says, what’s the problem? did you try to get help from anyone else during this time?

Coach Jo: About year six we went to couples therapy and did individual therapy.

Anne: So many women think that couple therapy was going to be the solution. So finally, if he agrees to it, they’re really excited about it and then surprised and so devastated to realize that it makes it worse.

Coach Jo: I kept thinking he doesn’t understand surely he doesn’t understand. Surely, he just doesn’t know a better way. I focused my energy on trying to fix him so couples therapy was my idea.

Anne: Di